The speaker Friday night was incredible. And very much well-received, at least by me. See, I worked in 2nd grade again today, which went great until lunchtime, and then it was like I took a grouch pill at lunch. I think it might have just been sheer exhaustion, which definitely means I'll have to get more than 5 hours of sleep a night when I go back to my babies, my fifth graders. I digress. My Friday afternoon felt a lack of enthusiasm towards recovery and towards life in general once I left school. Might have had something to do with the daily convo with mom, who has the answers to everything, or it might have had to do with the sad news that my favorite school secretary in the world might lose her first grandchild to an obscure disease. I hate having to see people I love and cherish go through the hard times. I'm not sure, but for some reason I was really on edge this afternoon and just feeling bleh about daily life. Not sobriety, but the part we call life. I didn't think for once to drink. I just felt like I would hate anyone I would meet, (even if it were Picasso or Tori Amos or the guy who came up with the recipes for Porto's cakes) for those couple of hours. And I actually became the snarky monster I used to become when I drank. So I gave in and passed out in a gentle afternoon-nap-type-way on my couch. It was perfect, and I woke up in a happy Snow White glow, with the birds chirping and little bunnies gather 'round my feet. Okay, so there were no bunnies but I was loving life once again. A nice feeling. I looked at http://www.ihasahotdog.com and some LOL cats pictures, which totally revved me up, and then I went to the meeting.
I was late, or rather, just in time to have to stand next to the trashcan. I wasn't even annoyed by that though -- I got there just in time to do the whole newcomer thing, where a lovely sober alki came over and brought me to a seat next to her. Finding a seat in this ginormous meeting is a bit like finding a ten dollar bill in a dollar store. The people I found there were like finding a hundred dollar bill. And I got to see someone take a cake for like, 14 years, and talk about how it's changed their life, being in this program. It made me so unbelievably high.
Then the speaker. This guy was electric. One of the first things he talked about was how he's seen it in every meeting, the people who have had such a hard time sobering up and then get sober for five months or five years and still stand outside and say "I have a problem with the whole God thing." He then compared it to going down the 405 at 80mph and turning to your passenger and saying, "You know, I have a problem with this whole engine thing." And I think he's right. I mean, far be it from me to become a Jesus Freak, because I've been screwed by, judged by and crucifed by organized religion. And I've seen organized religion used in politics to just make a mockery of a guy who seemed like a pretty good guy. But there has to be someone or something out there that knows more of the answers than I do, because my answer was always a bottle of champagne or red wine or vodka. And something made me change my mind. So there has to be something there, you know?
He went on, completely cracking me up through his words, and then within seconds, putting tears in my eyes. His words were radiating with enthusiasm for sobriety. And later, as I found out when I thanked him, his entire manner was that way. I'll probably be writing more about him as I let his words marinate and permeate my thoughts, but I was just entirely grateful for this man. It's true, someone said this the other day, another speaker..."since I can't find "God", I might as well look for his stash. And his stash is in the good people in the world." And they make me high.
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