well maybe not Triumphant but here nonetheless...
A Dim Time
So I never came back to finish the story. I guess I was just too fearful of sounding whiny and too cautious of living in the past. But basically, work put me in a horrible position -- walk and get respect from peers but possible disapproval from the man who arranges my check to be sent to me, or not walk and lose respect from peers but gain approval from my principal. It was a rough place to be, pressure from all sides, but I faced it head on. I simply went up to the principal and said, "Look, if I don't walk, I lose their respect. If I do walk, I might lose my job." He looked at me and said "You're going to be okay. Do what you need to do." I thought to myself, I already did. I faced my fear, and got the answer that I needed from doing so. I walked and it was good. I still feel like I'm not sure about the union's bullying tactics, but I'm not in charge there.
I also have been going through losses. They're called transitions, but whatever it is, it hurts. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for realizing I have the self-respect to deserve better. But on the other, I have been orbiting some of these people for *so* long, I can't imagine what it will be like without them. I think I might cry a lot less from being hurt by them in the long run, but right now it makes me cry most. The support system I've known is just being chipped away at, and I know that it'll make me stronger and that I'm going to be getting some great people in my life and blahblahblah, but that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel like love is constantly being given by me, and not much is coming back in right now. And I'm feeling all of this. I'm not running away or trying to orbit around anything else...just being driven by my feelings. Hanging tough like the New Kids but feeling every ounce.
The Bright Side...
Through all this, I've made it to 70 days. My friend made me realize that the other night. Through a death, through job loss possibilities, through a Lakers' loss, through family issues, through vacation, through feeling welcome and feeling ostracized, through feeling great and feeling like I was being ripped to shreds, I have made it. In the words of Stark Raving Brad, I win. I'm going to bed sober.
Good night and thanks for letting me share....
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Week Leading Up to my 60th Day...Part 1
Wow. What a week. It started off okay, I guess. Last Saturday I went to an incredible bbq at the last minute, and was surrounded by alcohol. While the tequila looked refreshing, I'm sure it would have left me with that "not-so-fresh" feeling in my mind and soul had I taken any. Without it, I felt like I was truly genuinely happy, and that's a feeling I love. Sometimes it feels so good, I get drunk off of that feeling, and I'm always jonesing for it now. I think the good meeting I attended Saturday morning helped, but it was kinda a weird vibe at the same time. I heard what I needed to hear though -- a thoughtful reminder that if I have peace in myself, I will stay calm no matter what. Oh, and not to drink. ;)
Anyway, Sunday took a turn for the not so great, with a fight with my mom over the pressure of my dad's attendance at a memorial service overcoming our conversation. We didn't speak again til Tuesday, which for anyone else is not that long of a time, but for us, well it just is. We at least say hi everyday, so that hit me hard. Luckily I was able to turn to my oldest half-sister, who really made me see it from a different perspective. Nonetheless, it being my first fight with my mom while sober, I especially took it to heart. I sucked it up for dinner on Sunday, which was nice but not the best Malo's experience, aside from the company. It makes me feel good to hang out with people who enjoy and express their happiness.
Monday was a hard, hard day at work. Parents make me sick sometimes, and the fact that right and left, people are allowed to have children without emotionally helping them grow just puts a pit in my stomach. The children deserve better than that, and furthermore, if we're putting them in this already messed-up world, we better teach them improved ways to constructively add to this world instead of teaching them anger and hate. Anyway...without going too much into that, I was angry and terrified all at the same time, both of which are emotions that just shock me into crying. Luckily, I had a meeting to turn to, which all of a sudden had three teachers in it once I shared. Amazing. Just what I needed. I got more than a few touching words after the meeting and felt all was right with the world.
Tuesday was okay -- my kids are itching to leave me, which is great but sad at the same time. I think I'll always treasure them. As a result of getting ready to leave my nest at school, they kinda turn into little asshole birds sometimes, pooping all over me. But at the end of the day, there's still a few willing to preen my feathers. However, the pressure to participate in Friday's walkout was starting to mount. And little did I know this was just the beginning...
Anyway, Sunday took a turn for the not so great, with a fight with my mom over the pressure of my dad's attendance at a memorial service overcoming our conversation. We didn't speak again til Tuesday, which for anyone else is not that long of a time, but for us, well it just is. We at least say hi everyday, so that hit me hard. Luckily I was able to turn to my oldest half-sister, who really made me see it from a different perspective. Nonetheless, it being my first fight with my mom while sober, I especially took it to heart. I sucked it up for dinner on Sunday, which was nice but not the best Malo's experience, aside from the company. It makes me feel good to hang out with people who enjoy and express their happiness.
Monday was a hard, hard day at work. Parents make me sick sometimes, and the fact that right and left, people are allowed to have children without emotionally helping them grow just puts a pit in my stomach. The children deserve better than that, and furthermore, if we're putting them in this already messed-up world, we better teach them improved ways to constructively add to this world instead of teaching them anger and hate. Anyway...without going too much into that, I was angry and terrified all at the same time, both of which are emotions that just shock me into crying. Luckily, I had a meeting to turn to, which all of a sudden had three teachers in it once I shared. Amazing. Just what I needed. I got more than a few touching words after the meeting and felt all was right with the world.
Tuesday was okay -- my kids are itching to leave me, which is great but sad at the same time. I think I'll always treasure them. As a result of getting ready to leave my nest at school, they kinda turn into little asshole birds sometimes, pooping all over me. But at the end of the day, there's still a few willing to preen my feathers. However, the pressure to participate in Friday's walkout was starting to mount. And little did I know this was just the beginning...
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Random Playlists
So the other day I was thinking about my iPod. And, I realized something that iPods and life have in common. More often than not, when you just press "Shuffle Songs" and let it go, the iPod can create a better playlist than I could ever create myself. I don't know why it is, I'm sure it has something to do with the newfangled technology. Today I've been listening to my library on shuffle all day, and it just went from the Beatles' "Revolution" to the Arcade Fire's "Keep the Car Running" and straight into Otis' "Try a Lil Tenderness". Delicious. But you know, every time I try to create the perfect playlist, it just comes out so forced and fake. Just like life. I have found in the past couple of weeks, that if I just let go and do my best at just being, everything else falls into place. But if I force it and try to control things, well, they just end up falling apart. Of course, the good playlist and the good life have resources, the former being a good library of songs to choose from and the latter being some hard work and showing up on my part. However, I'm not forcing issues, and I'm not trying to figure out why people do what they do. That's like figuring out why some people don't have the same appreciation for Otis Redding and M.I.A that I do. I'll never be able to figure out either one anyway, so it's best to just have and appreciate my good library of songs and hard work.
That's all I got. That and a huge sense of accomplishment from my hard work today. Thanks for letting me share.
That's all I got. That and a huge sense of accomplishment from my hard work today. Thanks for letting me share.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Death
So I think this year will be full of firsts while being sober. And even though I was and am still looking forward to actually feeling, something I felt was lacking while I was drinking, I was not looking forward to my first death. But it happened. Actually, it happened twice. Once was not someone I was related to, but it was still hard to see them lose their young one. Especially because there was so much doubt behind whether they did the right thing. That was almost inspiring though. My co-worker's daughter had to make the awful decision of whether or not to pull the plug on her very young daughter. The quality of life was not worth it, they decided in the end, because she would have been simply a body due to the disease that ate her from the inside out, and kept her little body from growing. And my co-worker bravely stated that she knew, and had faith that her daughter had been worth it. Her strength in that decision made the death seem not as bad, though I still know it caused many pain, including myself.
Today, my nieces called me when I was at work. I thought this to be odd, but I had told my youngest to call me because she was sad last night. They've been dealing with their grandmom, (my sister's real mom, because we're half sisters) dying of cancer in their house. My sister and brother have both been strong in this battle, going so far as to test out experimental drugs along with traditional chemotherapy to prolong the life of their mom. It has been a long battle, one that's shrouded my nieces' 16 year old lives in darkness and stress for the past year or so. And that's hard to watch. Not to mention watching my sister be sad. At any rate, this weekend I texted with them about the situation at home, and it had gone from bad to worse. My sister's mom, Marion, had stopped eating and talking. Now, I have had the awful unfortunate experience of watching a couple of people die of cancer before, and I know that this is not a good sign. Usually though, there is a day or more of waiting. Fortunately, my sister and brother and nieces did not have to endure too much of this time, because she passed today.
It's hard to know her sunny face won't be calling out "Merry Christmas" to me when I call my sister's house in the beginning of December. It's sad to know that my sister, no matter how close she and my brother have gotten as a result of this, that she has lost her mom. She's very lucky, because she has my mom, who has always been there for her. But I know and she knows that it's just not the same. I can't fathom what it's like, for her and others close to me that have lost their moms, but I can imagine how much strength it must take. And I just hope that strength builds for her and she can re-focus her attention on her sweet girls, who are darling, no matter how bratty they can seem, because they are, after all, sixteen going on seventeen.
As for me, well, I'm proud I didn't say OH POOR ME, and let this compound my stress over this coming weekend, and snowball into my one woman pity party as I have in the past. Instead, I called my sister and grieved with her. I chatted with my nieces over simpler things, like what happened when the great aunts arrived, and how they are dealing with the stress and sadness. I wished I could be there more for them, and help with funeral arrangements, but Seattle is just too far away for that right now. I did grieve, which was important, and I took care of myself by taking a nap. Not by going to a meeting, which I should have done, but it's progress, not perfection. Besides, some days you just need to cocoon and marinate a bit. Anyway, that's all I got. Thanks for letting me share...but I gotta sleep!
Today, my nieces called me when I was at work. I thought this to be odd, but I had told my youngest to call me because she was sad last night. They've been dealing with their grandmom, (my sister's real mom, because we're half sisters) dying of cancer in their house. My sister and brother have both been strong in this battle, going so far as to test out experimental drugs along with traditional chemotherapy to prolong the life of their mom. It has been a long battle, one that's shrouded my nieces' 16 year old lives in darkness and stress for the past year or so. And that's hard to watch. Not to mention watching my sister be sad. At any rate, this weekend I texted with them about the situation at home, and it had gone from bad to worse. My sister's mom, Marion, had stopped eating and talking. Now, I have had the awful unfortunate experience of watching a couple of people die of cancer before, and I know that this is not a good sign. Usually though, there is a day or more of waiting. Fortunately, my sister and brother and nieces did not have to endure too much of this time, because she passed today.
It's hard to know her sunny face won't be calling out "Merry Christmas" to me when I call my sister's house in the beginning of December. It's sad to know that my sister, no matter how close she and my brother have gotten as a result of this, that she has lost her mom. She's very lucky, because she has my mom, who has always been there for her. But I know and she knows that it's just not the same. I can't fathom what it's like, for her and others close to me that have lost their moms, but I can imagine how much strength it must take. And I just hope that strength builds for her and she can re-focus her attention on her sweet girls, who are darling, no matter how bratty they can seem, because they are, after all, sixteen going on seventeen.
As for me, well, I'm proud I didn't say OH POOR ME, and let this compound my stress over this coming weekend, and snowball into my one woman pity party as I have in the past. Instead, I called my sister and grieved with her. I chatted with my nieces over simpler things, like what happened when the great aunts arrived, and how they are dealing with the stress and sadness. I wished I could be there more for them, and help with funeral arrangements, but Seattle is just too far away for that right now. I did grieve, which was important, and I took care of myself by taking a nap. Not by going to a meeting, which I should have done, but it's progress, not perfection. Besides, some days you just need to cocoon and marinate a bit. Anyway, that's all I got. Thanks for letting me share...but I gotta sleep!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Yoga
Who knew Fairfax and Santa Monica Boulevard could be so peaceful? I just got back from there, well, City Yoga to be exact. There was an 11th Step (which in layman's terms means Involving meditation in your life) Yoga Class/AA mtg. The man who runs it is just a dollface, and the room was filled with gay men and women, with a couple of straights here and there. So loving, so comfortable. After the intense yoga training where I defied gravity once or twice and did an incredible backbend, something I haven't done in years, we gathered to share and hold a meeting. Throughout the class we spoke of Grace, and the strength we have when it is within us, but how no matter what, you need to be open to it. And I really liked that feeling. So I thought I'd share. I think I'll have more to say on it, but my brain is yoga-fied right now, and I'm going to drop off to sleep. Namaste.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Video of the Week
Below is my song of the week, an intimate performance of fiona apple and her song "extraordinary machine." the lyrics are delicious but i didn't want to post them here because they're too long. :) enjoy! (oh, and if you get bored watching them tool around on stage, you can fast forward to 1:34 or so...)
ALSO....check out one of my sources of support -- Stark Raving Brad -- and his blog. You can see it here - http://www.myspace.com/starkravingbrad17. He lives in the beautiful city of SF, and we had a chance meeting at a meeting in LA. Amazing.
ALSO....check out one of my sources of support -- Stark Raving Brad -- and his blog. You can see it here - http://www.myspace.com/starkravingbrad17. He lives in the beautiful city of SF, and we had a chance meeting at a meeting in LA. Amazing.
Exactly what I needed to hear...
Last night I made a shocking revelation to myself. I have been in a wonderful place - probably the most genuine-type happy I have been since high school graduation. Feeling absolutely fulfilled with the way life has been working out, because I've been letting go. Yeah my house is a mess, my room looks like my closet threw up all over it, and I am not being this awe-inspiring teacher, but I feel like a light is fucking radiating from my chest. A good light, kinda like E.T.'s. I feel, socially speaking, that I have had some incredible people enter my life. And stay there, which is even more remarkable.
I write this because it's so easy to forget the good things. For example, today was an emotionally raw day. But Saturday night, I was high on life after a good soccer game, and cracking up by myself while watching the "More Cowbell" skit from SNL. To be able to laugh so hard and call someone else up and laugh with them, that was a miracle this weekend. Total light years from the lonely solo pity parties of the "good ol' days" a few months ago. And yeah, while I'm being rigorously honest, today I had a pity party too. But I didn't feel alone completely, because I talked it out. Like, with a real human being, or several...instead of trying to just drink it all down. Or turn it inside and let it get me angry. Then..I went to a meeting, following what my sponsor told me to do. I hate to be bossed around, but I know if I do try it a different way, the way that she suggests I do, that good things will come of it. And you know what? It did! I went to the meeting, all puffy-eyed and exhausted and grumbling about how I have so much shit to do for school, and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. A guy speaking about how he didn't understand for a long time, why bad things kept happening to him even though he was being "the right kinda guy". And then he just said, fuck it. I'm letting go. The bad things that kept happening to him eventually made sense to him, because he didn't try to control them anymore. He stayed sober, he helped people, and he kept aspiring to be who he wanted to be. And eventually, he became the exact person he had walked into the program wanting to become.
I couldn't relate more. I have to just let go and go forward. It's easy to rationally say, emotionally, eh, I think it might take longer. But it'll show up. And in the meantime, I just need to take care of me and show up and be there. It's gonna resemble Colossus at Magic Mountain, I think, but I'll just enjoy the ride. (That's what she said.)
Listening to...
Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine
Can't wait to watch...
brothers and sisters from last week, the office.
I write this because it's so easy to forget the good things. For example, today was an emotionally raw day. But Saturday night, I was high on life after a good soccer game, and cracking up by myself while watching the "More Cowbell" skit from SNL. To be able to laugh so hard and call someone else up and laugh with them, that was a miracle this weekend. Total light years from the lonely solo pity parties of the "good ol' days" a few months ago. And yeah, while I'm being rigorously honest, today I had a pity party too. But I didn't feel alone completely, because I talked it out. Like, with a real human being, or several...instead of trying to just drink it all down. Or turn it inside and let it get me angry. Then..I went to a meeting, following what my sponsor told me to do. I hate to be bossed around, but I know if I do try it a different way, the way that she suggests I do, that good things will come of it. And you know what? It did! I went to the meeting, all puffy-eyed and exhausted and grumbling about how I have so much shit to do for school, and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. A guy speaking about how he didn't understand for a long time, why bad things kept happening to him even though he was being "the right kinda guy". And then he just said, fuck it. I'm letting go. The bad things that kept happening to him eventually made sense to him, because he didn't try to control them anymore. He stayed sober, he helped people, and he kept aspiring to be who he wanted to be. And eventually, he became the exact person he had walked into the program wanting to become.
I couldn't relate more. I have to just let go and go forward. It's easy to rationally say, emotionally, eh, I think it might take longer. But it'll show up. And in the meantime, I just need to take care of me and show up and be there. It's gonna resemble Colossus at Magic Mountain, I think, but I'll just enjoy the ride. (That's what she said.)
Listening to...
Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine
Can't wait to watch...
brothers and sisters from last week, the office.
Friday, May 16, 2008
My Friday Night
"Shoop" is playing on my iTunes, the Lakers just advanced, and I consumed a few grams of chocolate. It's been a stressful but fun week - seems like, I don't know, well-balanced with a few weird dreams splashed in during the nights. I think I love this balmy weather, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's heat, nor do I want to especially test 23 5th graders in this heat next Tuesday. But anyway, tonight was interesting. Intriguing, if you will. I was supposed to go see the Trachtenberg Family Slideshow players tonight, a greatly entertaining band who find slides and write songs with subliminally political messages weaved throughout them. I saw them open for Kate Nash a few days ago, another amazingly talented artist that I really enjoyed seeing. She is going to go far, man.
Anyhoo, I stayed at home, watched the Lakers, chatted with my friends and niece online, and even went grocery shopping. I mean, how great is that? I just took care of myself, and was satisfied just doing that. Though I did have an interesting run-in with a guy at the Trader Joe's. He was really overreacting to me being in his way, but I was the bigger person and just ignored him, and wished him a good night. Funny how a month or two ago, I would have been rude right back, but I saw that he's just struggling and it has nothing to do with me. Moments later, almost in the exact same spot, a woman who saw I was juggling apples and volunteered to help me by opening a plastic bag so I could put them in. Amazing. I made it back safely to my house, watched the Lakers really kick some ass, and then get cocky and almost lose, but they held on.
Totally satisfying night, if you ask me. I used to think I had to be out and about and socializing, but now I kinda realize I don't have to do anything. I can just be and still have plenty of fun. I am just being, and not really caring who thinks what about it. That's why I love this Kate Nash song...it's called "Mouthwash", and I think she's basically saying, hey, this is who I am and if you don't like it, that sucks for you but I'm not caring. I like to change the lyrics at the end, which say, "And I'm singing uh-oh on a Friday night and I hope everything's gonna be alright" to "I'm singing ohoh on a Friday night and I know everything's gonna be alright." It's happier that way, and it rounds out the song better, IMO. So with that being said, here's the cute and random video. Like I said, I saw her this week and absolutely recommend her to everyone.
Anyhoo, I stayed at home, watched the Lakers, chatted with my friends and niece online, and even went grocery shopping. I mean, how great is that? I just took care of myself, and was satisfied just doing that. Though I did have an interesting run-in with a guy at the Trader Joe's. He was really overreacting to me being in his way, but I was the bigger person and just ignored him, and wished him a good night. Funny how a month or two ago, I would have been rude right back, but I saw that he's just struggling and it has nothing to do with me. Moments later, almost in the exact same spot, a woman who saw I was juggling apples and volunteered to help me by opening a plastic bag so I could put them in. Amazing. I made it back safely to my house, watched the Lakers really kick some ass, and then get cocky and almost lose, but they held on.
Totally satisfying night, if you ask me. I used to think I had to be out and about and socializing, but now I kinda realize I don't have to do anything. I can just be and still have plenty of fun. I am just being, and not really caring who thinks what about it. That's why I love this Kate Nash song...it's called "Mouthwash", and I think she's basically saying, hey, this is who I am and if you don't like it, that sucks for you but I'm not caring. I like to change the lyrics at the end, which say, "And I'm singing uh-oh on a Friday night and I hope everything's gonna be alright" to "I'm singing ohoh on a Friday night and I know everything's gonna be alright." It's happier that way, and it rounds out the song better, IMO. So with that being said, here's the cute and random video. Like I said, I saw her this week and absolutely recommend her to everyone.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Eleven O'Clock and All's Well
Ha. There's nothing like reading to make you feel like a jerk sometimes. Here's a passage I read randomly today.
A trying situation can be tolerated with relative ease when we have a positive, trusting attitude. We forget, generally, that we have an inner source of strength to meet every situation. We forget the simple truth - all is well, at this moment, and at every moment.
After reading this, my head snapped out of it. It's funny -- this message has been in and out of my realm of thinking since Friday night, thanks to random messages heard in meetings and conversations with friends.. but didn't really click emotionally until today. I got out of the funk, and got into a groove by visiting a close friend down near my parents. It was rejuvenating, and our talk made me realize that I don't have to be working the steps every freaking minute. What matters is that I am enjoying my life and finding that positive optimist that I grew up with deep down inside of me. With her comes this relaxed acceptance of any and all that might cross my path, along with a smart cookie that takes everything at face value - nothing more, nothing less. Most of all, I'm now comfortable with who I am, at least for today. And way more comfortable and forgiving than I was 34 days ago. And while actions speak volumes more than words, it feels good to write it all down and say it to myself, because that instills the positive attitude inside of me, and lets me marinate in it. Today I showed myself this person, as I did for most of the day yesterday and will hopefully do so tomorrow. And that's the most important person that needs to see it -- me. But I don't mind telling you about it. ;)
In case I don't get to write much this week, what with the return to the real world pending...have a beautiful week and keep your chins up and your hearts open! Thanks for letting me share...
A trying situation can be tolerated with relative ease when we have a positive, trusting attitude. We forget, generally, that we have an inner source of strength to meet every situation. We forget the simple truth - all is well, at this moment, and at every moment.
After reading this, my head snapped out of it. It's funny -- this message has been in and out of my realm of thinking since Friday night, thanks to random messages heard in meetings and conversations with friends.. but didn't really click emotionally until today. I got out of the funk, and got into a groove by visiting a close friend down near my parents. It was rejuvenating, and our talk made me realize that I don't have to be working the steps every freaking minute. What matters is that I am enjoying my life and finding that positive optimist that I grew up with deep down inside of me. With her comes this relaxed acceptance of any and all that might cross my path, along with a smart cookie that takes everything at face value - nothing more, nothing less. Most of all, I'm now comfortable with who I am, at least for today. And way more comfortable and forgiving than I was 34 days ago. And while actions speak volumes more than words, it feels good to write it all down and say it to myself, because that instills the positive attitude inside of me, and lets me marinate in it. Today I showed myself this person, as I did for most of the day yesterday and will hopefully do so tomorrow. And that's the most important person that needs to see it -- me. But I don't mind telling you about it. ;)
In case I don't get to write much this week, what with the return to the real world pending...have a beautiful week and keep your chins up and your hearts open! Thanks for letting me share...
Family Crap
I really want a meeting. Lakers lost, which bums me out, and there has been an overwhelming amount of family issues being tossed out. All I can really say is, staying sober in the real world is rough. I totes wanted a drink during the game, or at least a cigarette, but being at the parents' house, the latter was not viable. Needless to say, my jaw is tired from being clenched and upset about the bad plays by the Lakers and deep breathing has become my friend.
Family issues are the worst, and most prevalent, because of the obligatory calls to my mom, who is amazingly close to her entire family, both hers and my father's. The problems are about people who I care deeply about, and want to have the most control over, but just cannot. The pain that is caused by one's poor choices is dissected and re-evaluated by my mom, who then passes it on to me. Being that it's habit, and that I want to support my mom, I have to listen. Then I get worried, and everything turns into that knot that I wrote about the other night. However, I will prevail. I have to let go, because if I don't ... that knot might just turn into a craving.
I am so grateful though. I mean, my mom has overcome so very much, and she has persevered through a tragic upbringing and created her own successes in life. Her strength kept her company through an uprooting from Honduras and an arrival in a new country. The losses she survived last year and this year, the sickness she dealt with this year and overcame -- she's never given up. I have to appreciate her strength, because she has surely passed it on to me. The ever-compassionate love and forgiveness she has shown to her family members, some of whom have betrayed her, has never once wavered. She is a remarkable woman who loves her Lakers. And I am very grateful she is still with me.
Family issues are the worst, and most prevalent, because of the obligatory calls to my mom, who is amazingly close to her entire family, both hers and my father's. The problems are about people who I care deeply about, and want to have the most control over, but just cannot. The pain that is caused by one's poor choices is dissected and re-evaluated by my mom, who then passes it on to me. Being that it's habit, and that I want to support my mom, I have to listen. Then I get worried, and everything turns into that knot that I wrote about the other night. However, I will prevail. I have to let go, because if I don't ... that knot might just turn into a craving.
I am so grateful though. I mean, my mom has overcome so very much, and she has persevered through a tragic upbringing and created her own successes in life. Her strength kept her company through an uprooting from Honduras and an arrival in a new country. The losses she survived last year and this year, the sickness she dealt with this year and overcame -- she's never given up. I have to appreciate her strength, because she has surely passed it on to me. The ever-compassionate love and forgiveness she has shown to her family members, some of whom have betrayed her, has never once wavered. She is a remarkable woman who loves her Lakers. And I am very grateful she is still with me.
Briefly
It's Mother's Day, and I did the right thing by coming down here. It's been pretty good quality time so far with Mom. With Dad, it's a whole other story. Sobriety is rough around him - it's just hard because he's so grouchy and for so long, I've believed it was always a fault of mine. But what I've come to realize is that he is just very spoiled and set in his ways, and if something isn't going his way, he gets really upset and takes it out on me or my mom. That's hard. But that's how people are, and I know I've acted that way plenty of times. He was rude to me, and I just basically found strength, acceptance and serenity in myself and didn't react like I have my whole life. I'm very proud of myself. I'm learning and re-wiring, and so far it's working.
The Lakers are on, so I have to go watch. In my room. Where I can watch without anyone complaining about my enthusiasm - because that's who I am. I'll write more after the game's over. Depending on my mood of course...;)
The Lakers are on, so I have to go watch. In my room. Where I can watch without anyone complaining about my enthusiasm - because that's who I am. I'll write more after the game's over. Depending on my mood of course...;)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Unbelievable
I'm learning how to cut the ties, and it's painful. Being a teacher, I always want to see the potential in people, and it saddens me when they can't live up to their potential. But I have to just accept it, cut out people who don't live up to my standards. What's ironic is that I wasn't living up to their standards at one time, but now that I am, they're not living up to mine. Life is funny that way, I guess.
So I cried, and I probably will cry a few more times before this year is over. Maybe after that too.
What's more amazing about this, is that I was just so letting myself feel in the car on the way home. I was going to go to the Farmer's Market, but my battery was dying in my phone, and my emotional battery was sunk too. So I went home. Then, I got a text, unsolicited, from one of my best friends in the world, who does not text unsolicited. Sometimes he doesn't even text solicited...but anyway. It said, "Sorry I couldn't call you back yet. Very long week. Going now to help mom. How r you?" I could not f-ing believe it. I just couldn't. I needed it, and it was sent to me.
And then I go look in my book for an inspirational title, and it opens to a page that says..."We each have to grab our own happiness, create our own richness through experieces. We may share what we capture with loved ones, but like us, they too must search their own avenues for the satisfaction that lasts. We can neither give happiness to another, like a gift, nor expect it in return. " Part of cutting this loss is realizing that I am happy, and if people choose not to see that, well, I feel sad for them, but I can't change it. When they're happy enough and they're ready...I'm here.
Just further proof that I deserve people who love me and they will find their way to me as life sees fit. No pushing, no prodding required.
So I cried, and I probably will cry a few more times before this year is over. Maybe after that too.
What's more amazing about this, is that I was just so letting myself feel in the car on the way home. I was going to go to the Farmer's Market, but my battery was dying in my phone, and my emotional battery was sunk too. So I went home. Then, I got a text, unsolicited, from one of my best friends in the world, who does not text unsolicited. Sometimes he doesn't even text solicited...but anyway. It said, "Sorry I couldn't call you back yet. Very long week. Going now to help mom. How r you?" I could not f-ing believe it. I just couldn't. I needed it, and it was sent to me.
And then I go look in my book for an inspirational title, and it opens to a page that says..."We each have to grab our own happiness, create our own richness through experieces. We may share what we capture with loved ones, but like us, they too must search their own avenues for the satisfaction that lasts. We can neither give happiness to another, like a gift, nor expect it in return. " Part of cutting this loss is realizing that I am happy, and if people choose not to see that, well, I feel sad for them, but I can't change it. When they're happy enough and they're ready...I'm here.
Just further proof that I deserve people who love me and they will find their way to me as life sees fit. No pushing, no prodding required.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Carbon
So last night when I was having emotions, I comforted myself with some good ol' Tori Amos. She used to be my source of comfort steadily, until I had my last downward spiral and decided in a drunken state that she's sold out. Which she is. But now that I'm sober, hell, I'll cling on to an old memory to get me through the night without drinking and to help reteach me how to cope. I guess I thought that since she was an obsession for so much of my life and then let me down in various ways on tour last year (hello! a red wig, tori, really?!?), that I didn't connect with her music anymore. But last night she sympathized with me. When I feel down and need some strength, I listen to this song called Carbon off her seventh album, "Scarlet's Walk". She usually writes in abstract metaphors but you'll get it if you get it. These are the some of the lyrics I held onto last night as I thought about how I can't control life.
"Little Sis you must crack this"
he says to me
"you must go in again
carbon-made
only wants
to be unmade" ...
and keep your eyes on her
keep
don't look away
keep your eyes on
her eyes
on her horizon
"Little Sis you must crack this"
he says to me
"you must go in again
carbon-made
only wants
to be unmade" ...
and keep your eyes on her
keep
don't look away
keep your eyes on
her eyes
on her horizon
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Day I Fell
Emotions hurt. I don't know if anyone knows this or not, but it's true. And you know what? I haven't felt them for so long I don't know how to feel them anymore. I used to turn them inward, and I still do. Tonight I let them all out on the 5 freeway, and didn't know what to do. I warmed up first by calling my friend, who said she was there for me no matter what. But I know it's a big load for one person. So then, I didn't do what I would've done a month ago, and I called my sponsor and asked for help. Instead of being pissed, she said, I totally understand. Instead of feeling like I was being a burden, I felt like I was worth something. The following statements are things she said mixed with my own words to make them stick in my soul. "All these feelings and emotions are what normies feel, but you used to cover them up, so you're not going to be used to them. That awful lump that's coming into your throat when you think of the death that's about to surround your life, that pit in your stomach that you get when you realize you're coming from a pure place but no one else can see it or cares, that painful separation from your best friend of two years...yeah you used to drink it away. You used to blow it all off with as much alcohol as you could get your hands on. But not anymore. No, you're not going to try to control the situation, no matter how tempting. You're not going to be full of resentment of how others are suffering due to an uncontrollable illness...You're not going to ask anyone any questions because chances are, they're just as unsure themselves. You're going to let go, you're going to learn from it, you're going to go home and comfort you in any way you want. Take a bath, drink tea, watch tv, draw, go to a meeting, read, cuddle under the blankets, eat cake in bed...BUT you are NOT, under any circumstances, going to drink or use. Those will bring those haunting voices back. You're worth something now. You are worth something to those 23 kids that'll be waiting for you come Tuesday morning. You are worth something to your parents. You are worth something to me. No matter what anything else tells you in your brain, you win at this game tonight...you win at life always..."
And then I remembered that we are absolutely right. It's not my issue nor my place to understand why things are happening the way they are. It's my job to accept. Redundant, I know. But it's what's getting me through the night.
And then I remembered that we are absolutely right. It's not my issue nor my place to understand why things are happening the way they are. It's my job to accept. Redundant, I know. But it's what's getting me through the night.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
One month, comin' right up!
Today is the 30th day of my sobriety. It leaves me with a strange feeling. It actually began with a strange feeling, too. I kinda took today as it came, spent most of the morning cleaning and the second half not knowing if I wanted to go to a meeting. I threw the idea back and forth in my head more than a few times, and finally let the idea go. I didn't want to go to a meeting and not know anyone or feel disconnected, because I don't really have a regular Wednesday meeting. Funny, that didn't stop me from going 30 days ago, but this time, I just felt at peace with myself. I tried some of my old tricks, pushing someone away from me, begging to be entertained by another, and then I realized nothing ever comes out the way I want to when I push for it. So I let go. Then I watched a dvr'd episode of "Brothers and Sisters", which entertained me for a bit.
It was such a lackluster day to the outside person, but as I sat there on the couch and looked around, I realized how clean my apartment was. Again, a totally mundane thought for anyone else, but for me, it was like...wow. I know I could have cleaned 32 days ago, but I was so focused on myself and my dislike for life that I just didn't give a shit. Scones would not have made me as happy as they did today, not just because of my growing sweet tooth but because I made them perfectly, without trying to, and with such a great cup of coffee. And the whole time, I spent the day thinking, you know, I got all this done. And if I get to mopping, I get to it. But if not, I still managed to 409 the counters. Like I said, totally mundane thoughts for a normie. For me, though, I would done one of two things 33 days ago...I would have either kicked my ass and been totally sad with myself for not making the house perfectly clean, and wound up depressed; or I would have called everyone I know, begging them to come over and approve of my handywork. Today, my 30th day, I did neither. Instead, I kinda prodded on through my day, doing only what I cared to do, and didn't expect anything out of the day. I didn't even force myself to write, and tonight I went out to a premiere of a campy horror movie that I loved, followed by a great brazillian meal, capped off with a homemade chocolate mousse, with a cherry of a blog on top. All because I let go.
I am nervous about my 30th day, which could be why I didn't go get a chip. I remember my last 30th day, in the other county, and how I started substituting all sorts of things for alcohol. Control of food, smoking, affection...it was a mess. I didn't get the program. Now sometimes I get it so well I'm scared. I'm scared that the feeling of confidence I have right now will disappear along with my free time next week when school starts up again. I don't know why it's crept up right now, after I've written about how everything has been great now that I've learned to accept, not expect. But it's an underlying fear. There are some greater issues than life that I am also dealing with, at least in a removed sense. Moreso than my usual boy troubles or work stress. But for some reason, it's easier to let go of the death that's looming on my family's horizon than it is for me to let go of what work might do to my program. Life's funny that way...it's so much easier to trust in certain situations than others, and I don't think I can really grasp that. Maybe it's not so much for me to grasp but to just let go.
Like I said, today started weird and ended weird, with an enormous amount of good in between. Gingerdead, the Walkers, Bill W., Kobe, Chicken and Gorgonzola Salad, reflection, laughing, paparazzi, 409, Tupac, new friends, moving on, Rock Star, instant messaging, hot showers, sponsors, acceptance, writing and letting go. This is what made my day today. Could it make my day tomorrow...some of them might, but overall, probably not. There's a whole other slew of adventures and lessons for that and the next few months, to say the least. I think that's all I got. Apologies for the disjointedness, but exhaustion's a beautiful thing that way. Besides, I'm not known for making sense, but I do love my strength in not doing so. Thanks for letting me share....
It was such a lackluster day to the outside person, but as I sat there on the couch and looked around, I realized how clean my apartment was. Again, a totally mundane thought for anyone else, but for me, it was like...wow. I know I could have cleaned 32 days ago, but I was so focused on myself and my dislike for life that I just didn't give a shit. Scones would not have made me as happy as they did today, not just because of my growing sweet tooth but because I made them perfectly, without trying to, and with such a great cup of coffee. And the whole time, I spent the day thinking, you know, I got all this done. And if I get to mopping, I get to it. But if not, I still managed to 409 the counters. Like I said, totally mundane thoughts for a normie. For me, though, I would done one of two things 33 days ago...I would have either kicked my ass and been totally sad with myself for not making the house perfectly clean, and wound up depressed; or I would have called everyone I know, begging them to come over and approve of my handywork. Today, my 30th day, I did neither. Instead, I kinda prodded on through my day, doing only what I cared to do, and didn't expect anything out of the day. I didn't even force myself to write, and tonight I went out to a premiere of a campy horror movie that I loved, followed by a great brazillian meal, capped off with a homemade chocolate mousse, with a cherry of a blog on top. All because I let go.
I am nervous about my 30th day, which could be why I didn't go get a chip. I remember my last 30th day, in the other county, and how I started substituting all sorts of things for alcohol. Control of food, smoking, affection...it was a mess. I didn't get the program. Now sometimes I get it so well I'm scared. I'm scared that the feeling of confidence I have right now will disappear along with my free time next week when school starts up again. I don't know why it's crept up right now, after I've written about how everything has been great now that I've learned to accept, not expect. But it's an underlying fear. There are some greater issues than life that I am also dealing with, at least in a removed sense. Moreso than my usual boy troubles or work stress. But for some reason, it's easier to let go of the death that's looming on my family's horizon than it is for me to let go of what work might do to my program. Life's funny that way...it's so much easier to trust in certain situations than others, and I don't think I can really grasp that. Maybe it's not so much for me to grasp but to just let go.
Like I said, today started weird and ended weird, with an enormous amount of good in between. Gingerdead, the Walkers, Bill W., Kobe, Chicken and Gorgonzola Salad, reflection, laughing, paparazzi, 409, Tupac, new friends, moving on, Rock Star, instant messaging, hot showers, sponsors, acceptance, writing and letting go. This is what made my day today. Could it make my day tomorrow...some of them might, but overall, probably not. There's a whole other slew of adventures and lessons for that and the next few months, to say the least. I think that's all I got. Apologies for the disjointedness, but exhaustion's a beautiful thing that way. Besides, I'm not known for making sense, but I do love my strength in not doing so. Thanks for letting me share....
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