It's been a long time comin'...

When my fifth grade class and I decided to perform this song at our Black History month performance last February, I had no idea what a premonition it would be. Everything changed last February -- correction, everything is always changing, but the most significant changes occurred last year at this time, and it snowballed all year, gaining volume until it knocked me clear on my ass.

It had been a long time coming, the inevitable loss of my biggest fan. And from this, i have learned to become my own cheerleader this year. I was simply too afraid to die, as Sam Cooke wrote, simply because my father had and I know I have to be here to become everything he wanted me to be....even if I am unsure what that is sometimes. Just like I had very limited knowledge on how to direct these Metallica-loving fifth graders on how exactly to capture and sing soulfully like Sam Cooke, I have to fake it til I make it when it comes to finding my way sometimes. And sometimes finding that way means losing brothers, sisters, friends, lovers ... Even if I ask them for help, they may not have been able to give me the help that I'm looking for, and I might wind up back down on my knees, feeling as lost as I can be. But that doesn't mean I've lost any strength. There were many times I thought I wouldn't be able to carry on this year, I simply didn't have the energy to process any more pain, sorrow, loss or disappointment. But my friends, family and my sweet dog gave me the strength to carry on, to help me realize this too shall pass. And that is perhaps the most important lesson...a change did come, but an even bigger one will come soon, one that will remind me why I struggle through any grief or sadness.

A year later and my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be. In the span of time that most create a life and welcome it into the world, I have lost a father, a job, friends and lovers. But I haven't lost my strength. And I have to use it to do what my dad would want me to do, become my biggest cheerleader and carry myself on to that next big change, whatever it may be.

gotta love post secret...sometimes they so succinctly say what it is i want to that i don't need to write anything. but i may just do so anyway.

What I love about AA today.

I like how the last time I posted, the date was 1-7-09, and now it is 7-1-09. My, how time flies...I've celebrated a natal birthday, a sobriety birthday, the end of another school year. I've dealt with the loss of a parent and the loss of a job. I've joined another 12-step program that goes hand in hand with AA which has helped contribute to my sanity and ability to express my feelings, sometimes. (Progress, not perfection...) All in all, it's been an eventful six months, and I feel like nothing's as bad as it seems it will be. Or at least, that is what I have learned in this half-year.

A safe place like the rooms has kept me from the obsession. You see, that's what really is much worse than the actual events strung together that are actually, as some people call it, L I F E. The obsession - the "bondage of self"*- is what made me try to solve my problems with alcohol or drugging just so I would ignore it. But with that, I missed out on L I F E too. Now I'm experiencing both, and am so grateful to the meetings for helping me with that. See it's in those places that I can share without feeling labeled or judged. That comes as a direct result of two things -- one, being the idea of principles before personalities, and the other being Tradition 11.

Principles before personalities means simply that -- judge people not on who they are or how they act, but what principles they set forth. Someone I don't want to listen to may just have the exact thought I need to hear. If I try to ignore them because of their annoying voice or tendency to bash people after meetings, then I might simply miss whatever message they might be carrying.

The other factor I have really come to cherish is this: "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity..." Tradition 11 is important because it is guaranteeing that you will be kept anonymous. This means a lot to me because I know I have expressed a lot of pain and a lot of joy in the rooms. But my secrets are kept secret except to those that can and want to help. I am grateful to that because I know I am safe, that no one will call anyone and report on how I feel.

Anonymity and a place that promotes the better side of humanity -- what an amazing concept. And how even more amazing that I have found the place that intertwines them both to let my heart out? No wonder I am sober and free to "trudge the road of happy destiny..." I am complete.

*= Bill Wilson

Cash and Prizes

Today marks my ninth-month of sobriety. Let's see, 9 x 30 = 270, and there were 5 months with 31, so 270 + 5 = 275 days. Remarkable. But I never set out to get to 275 days. I set out to "control my drinking", somehow get it to only on the weekends or less than twice a week. And so I did.

The reward of this sobriety is not cash and prizes, but the simple fact that I am present. I have been there for my mom as she deals with my dad, and for friends as they suffer losses and learn lessons. Helping them helps me, even though it's as cheesy as a line from a Tom Cruise movie. It's completely true. I find myself giving advice that I need to hear -- life happens, stay strong, remember that you're worth it. In doing so, I am not only being present for them, but for myself as well.

By writing in here, talking to friends and sharing the love in a healthy, happy way, I am constantly reiterating my strength against this disease of self-obsession. More than that, I am creating an idea that I can be trusted, and I can trust; that I am strong and can give strength; and finally, that I know what unconditional love is, and can love others as well as myself. This is worth more than any showcase on the "Price is Right", any suitcase on "Deal or No Deal", any car or money anyone can give me.

Thank you for being a part of this journey, thank you for letting me share, and remember to be true, stay strong. You are valued.

In a beautiful world...

For some reason, the words to "Creep" by Radiohead have been running through my head since the first alarm went off this morning. I think it's because I kinda feel like a creep myself, talking to my gorgeous sober, happy self that woke up yesterday. The Committee barely let me get into the shower when all of a sudden, they started in on me. "Don't you want to control this person? You should. She/He/It/They all need fixing. Where's their 12 Step Program? Why do you have to be in one?" And on and so forth. Relentless little fuckers. So what to do?

Well, I've always heard that the best way to get a song out of the head is to listen to it fully. I just put it on, and I think back to a time not too long ago when I sang it on Rock Band 2 and just fucking wailed. "You're so very special...I wish I was special."It's a tango, for me at least, between what I used to tell myself 90% of the time and what I have been telling myself lately 90% of the time. My old self relished telling me how I was never good enough, not worth anything. It was really good at coming up with several hundred ways to tell me that on an hourly, if not minutely or secondly, basis.

In these past few weeks, months, I have been working on a personal inventory, seeing where I'm resentful and where I'm responsible, so on and so forth. Trust me, it's rough. But through this, I have had a realization that really, despite what the committee has said to me for the past 28 years, I'm actually worth a lot. I'm valued, and I do "float like a feather". The only way to continue that feeling of being so very special is to help others feel the same way about themselves. And to be honest to myself and others about what I think, do, believe and want. Or at least I've been trying. It might be hard, I might want to protect others and make friends, but I have to know that the only way of being there for people is by showing up and sharing my experiences - not telling myself that I don't deserve to be doing any of that. By dropping these preconceived notions of what I used to believe, I become less of a Creep, and more of a girl whose skin makes you cry.

That's all I got. Thanks for letting me share. I believe in you and always will. Stay strong and be true.

To all my friends that are sad or happy today, just remember this.
Credit: S. Canizales, Los Feliz, CA

This too shall pass, my friends. No matter how happy or sad, this too shall pass. I love you.

Doors Opening, ding!

Yesterday, my mom told me about how my dad doesn't want to get a biopsy, but how she's still trying to convince him. "Who knows if it will make this cough go away? Then what's the point?" I can hear my dad argue. I can also hear myself arguing back with him, in a moment of weakness -- it might make it better, it might reassure us, it might, it might, it might. Sometimes the "it mights" are as bad as the "what ifs". However, when my mom calls me and tells me about her latest plight to right him, I have to remind her a lesson I learned the other day, "We can't make him, Mom." We can drag him to the doctor's office, we can make him listen to the doctor, but we cannot make him go under the knife, no matter how many problems, or "it mights" we think it's going to solve. And that's okay.

I say that's okay because my dad has lived a long life, and told us his best part of his life was the past 30 years with us. But I also say that's okay, because who would want that responsibility? Of course we all want to force someone to do something for us, but in reality, would we really want to have the power to be able to force them? That could be dangerous -- if I could have made people in the past do what I wanted, I would have a very different, very unstable, possibly unhappy life but definitely unhealthy life right now. I would have been stuck in my first dimension, with that creature from it, and stuck in my old hometown, having never met any of my soulmates that have enriched my life. Hardly any lessons would have been learned, and this blog would definitely not be here. Wow, it's a trip thinking about it, but not a trip I can afford to take today.

This lesson, this one about not being able to force anyone to do anything is something I am sure might not stick with me. In fact, I know it won't, because I was trying to will someone into a new life yesterday. I don't want her to be in pain, I know she deserves better, but I also have to know I can't force her to choose what I think to be wisely. I cannot be her higher power, I cannot be my dad's, I cannot be my exes' higher power (collective sigh of relief, boys) , and I cannot be Chester's higher power. I can show them what I have learned in my experience, and I can tell them what I think would satisfy me, but if that lesson, that door isn't ready to be open for them, then I won't jimmy it open. I am a teacher, I am a recovering alcoholic, but I am not AAA who comes and opens doors for people with a tool. Their hands alone can turn the knobs that my crowbar is powerless against.

That's all I've got, off to school today again and trying to spread goodness to all. Thanks for letting me share, be true and stay strong. You're wonderful.

Disagreeing with The Beatles

As I finished up a mature, honest conversation with my mom about my dad's condition, I heard the chords and remixed version of "You've Gotta Hide Your Love Away" on KCRW come through the speakers of my busted stereo. And I came to a heartbreaking revelation - I think I have found this morning that I disagree with the Beatles. Maybe not fully disagree, but if I could, I would love to have a word with the Lennon-Mc Cartney writing team that scribed those words.

Looking more closely at the lyrics, I can see the heartbreak and yearning that they experienced over someone of the female persuasion. I understand the value of being careful with who you share your heart with. I have found in my experience that it is a good idea to be cautious with who you trust with what, but I have absolutely no regrets regarding that idea. I figure what I've shared with people will either teach them or me a lesson, and that is invaluable, no matter how much the heart gets knocked from its comfort zone as a result of my expectations and projections. Furthermore, as you might notice from earlier posts, I'm a pretty firm believer now that things happen for a reason. And as such, I have learned that all I want is to be safe. But that has nothing to do with hiding my love away. In fact, it's quite the opposite. If I hide my love away, as Paul and John express they would like me to do in this song, then hatred and anger breeds. It festers, much like the mold on my dishes used to. By keeping this love hidden, by hiding the light inside of me, and covering it up with anything else or reacting to situations in the fashion of my old behaviors, that's when the Committee starts. The second I do something like reaching out to an old friend, phoning a newcomer in the program, asking someone how they're doing and sticking around to actually listen, or simply smiling at a homeless person, that's the second that my attitude changes. My thoughts of everything I'm lacking change to thoughts of everything I have, and my self-esteem emerges from the bottom of the polluted Los Angeles river to the fresh air above Griffith Park and the Hollywood sign.

I cannot resent Lennon and McCartney for too long, because I understand what they were saying. Be careful, be prejudiced with whom you share your heart. However, since things are often taken out of context, I hesitate to rally behind them on this particular song. What I have to choose to remember, though is that these are the same geniuses that told us, "All you need is love", a line I have always held deep and close to my heart, and something I believe I cannot disagree with.

Thanks for letting me share, keep reading and stay strong. You are valued.

Wise Words from a Good Friend

For your reading pleasure via Brad in SF, a brother in blogging and sobriety...

There is a curious, extremely interesting term in Japanese that refers to a very special manner of polite, aristocratic speech known as 'play language', asobase kotoba, whereby, instead of saying to a person, for example, 'I see that you have come to Tokyo', one would express the observation by saying, 'I see that you are playing at being in Tokyo' – the idea being that the person addressed is in such control of his life and his powers that for him everything is a play, a game. He is able to enter into life as one would enter into a game, freely and with ease. And this idea is carried even so far that instead of saying to a person, 'I hear that your father has died', you would say, rather, 'I hear that your father has played at dying'.

And now, i submit that this is truly a noble, glorious way to approach life. What has to be done is attacked with such a will that in the performance one is literally 'in play.' That is the attitude designated by Neitzsche as amor fati, love of one's fate. It is what the old Roman Seneca referred to in his often quoted saying: 'The Fates lead him who will; him who won't, they drag.'

Are you up to your given destiny? That is the challenge of Hamlet's troubled question. The ultimate nature of the experience of life is that toil and pleasure, sorrow and joy, are inseparably mixed in it.

And, of course, as everybody knows who has ever played at games, the ones that are the most fun - to lose as well as to win - are the ones that are the hardest, with the most complicated, even dangerous tasks to accomplish...but winning, finally, is not the aim; for as we have already learned in mounting the way 'rich in pleasure' of the Kundalini, winning and losing in the usual sense are experiences of the lower chakras. The aim of the ascending serpent is to clarify and increase the light of consciousness within, and the first step to the gaining of this boon - as told in the Bhagavad Gita, as in many another wisdom text - is to abandon absolutely all concern for the fruits of action, whether in this world or the next.

Life as an art and art as a game - as action for its own sake, without thought of gain or loss, praise or blame - is the key, then, to the turning of life itself into a yoga, and art into the means to such a life.

~ The Power of Myth, Joseph Campbell

My Experience with Coincidence.

To me, it is no coincidence that I woke up at 6:35am, the committee rearing its ugly head and yelling at me to worry about friends and family. It's no coincidence that I got up and looked to see when the next meeting was before I went to try to go back to sleep, only to find that it started in half an hour right up the street. Nor was it a mistake that when I got there, there were only three other people in the room, and they were asking for someone to share about the literature. And while that committee in my brain starts talking about how my share wasn't good enough, and that I should never volunteer to share again, it was no mistake or accident that someone else started sharing about how they want relief from their disease and began to distract me from my own misery. I can relate to that feeling - that desire of relief has been me throughout the course of my sobriety.

This made me realize, the only relief I can get is from this program, from sharing, from talking to another group of individuals that have the crazy committee making them feel like less of a person and who want relief. Most people don't want that relief -- they want to stay with what's comfortable, whatever it is. That comfort can come in many forms -- gossip, weed, other people, dishonesty, control issues, clothing, blogging, caffeine, anger, food, yoga, running, the list can continue. The thing is that most of the time, one thing or another will cease granting that relief. And then we're back at square one, lost and uncomfortable until we find another pacifier to stick in our mouths.

Lately, I have found myself to be using caffeine as a pacifier. It's legal, readily available, makes me more alert, and deliciously tasty. What more could I want? Unfortunately, the drawbacks to me are a cessation of appetite, and a mind that also has become more alert and paranoid, armed and ready rattling off a list of my imperfections, fears and hatreds at any moment's notice. So now what? Well, I don't think it's much of a coincidence that I have some sort of infection in my excretory system. Obviously, something or someone, saw the damage I was doing to myself, emotionally, mentally and physically, and decided I needed to be in pain so I would quit the private funding of Starbucks and coffee houses in the greater Los Angeles area. Not to mention the rallying of the committee.

More than that, some force greater than myself saw that I needed to find relief in writing and meetings. This is very uncomfortable, quite jarring to myself, but I find serenity in the fact that that same jerk that robbed me of my daily fix also put people in my life that I can talk to. People who want to listen, and have been through this emotional acid burn of dealing with feelings. That force also managed to remind me of my writing ability, and the relief I get from that by reminding me through a song on the radio that sang "Come on and let it out". Truer words were never spoken. Thanks for letting me share, and remember that you are valued. Stay strong.

Gratitude List

So after writing that particularly scathing post as seen below, I decided to push out some positive energy, as that will grant me a more sound center. Five things I am grateful for tonight include:

1. Writing. The fact that I know how to write actual words, even if I'm not brilliant at poetically arranging them so that they conjure up strong emotions, I still have a way to express myself.

2. Books and TV. They allow me to escape, sometimes to a world without men and sometimes simply finding out how to better put together a day to nighttime outfit. It doesn't matter, either way, my brain can just relax.

3. My bed. Because damn. That thing wants me and I want it.

4. Meetings. Being in those rooms help me make sense of a crazy, fucked up way of thinking that I just happen to have. And most times, I remember I'm not the only one.

5. My dog. Even though sometimes he barks and eats things that aren't meant to go into the stomach of a 14 pound lovebug, he's still a cuddly, sweet dog who absolutely adores me, no matter what.

I feel the rage dissipating, so I'm going to go write some more in my private edition inside that mountainous pile of delicious softness. Good night and thanks.

Scariest Time of Year

It's October 30th. Usually this time of year I am filled with anticipation, giddiness, and wonder at all the fun spirited way the world looks at Halloween. However, I can't bring myself to feel that way tonight. I don't know what it is, but this Halloween is different. Instead of the marathon of sleep that I used to prepare myself with for the evening of debauchery, I'm wide awake at 1am thinking about how I should go to bed so I can get up, exercise and hit up twelve meetings in the morning. Instead of thinking about whether to start with Sapphire and tonics or Grey Goose and Red Bull, I'm thinking about how I can't wait to get my body into downward facing dog at 7am on Saturday. My life has changed, obviously, and while some people, including myself, find this to be for the better, tonight I feel it's for the worse.

Wait, you mean, you don't love sobriety all the time? No, and if I did, I don't think there would be a need for 12-step programs. Right now, in fact, this very instant, I am very resentful and angry at the gang of girls I saw on my way home in hot pants and cat ears, who are fifteen sheets to the wind and still looking for another drink. I'm pissed off that they get to drink on a Thursday night and go into work tomorrow hungover as fuck and have to deal with clients or customers while a headache thrashes in their empty, lonely and regretful minds. It's really unfair to me that they can access this world of drink and I can't. I probably have a lot more to drink over than they do, and yet I have to stay present and sound of mind while they get to scream "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO" while taking their 15th jaeger bomb as some piece of shit stud gropes their asses where I didn't know asses could be groped. I know I might come off as sounding sarcastic, but I really do hate that I don't get to disappear into the evening of slutty nurses, schoolgirls and storybook characters drunk off my ass as I have every year since I was 18. That disappearing is a comfortable place to be, but I have to be different this year. I have to be me.

As I complain, I also have to remember that every year some sort of fight or drama gets caused on Halloween, or at a Halloween Party, and I cause it 99% of the time. I've gotten thrown out of a bar on Halloween, cried my eyes out, and had a few other tragedies that I choose to keep mum on. But on the other hand, I have danced my body out at a Halloween concert or two and skipped down the Castro singing at the top of my lungs. This reminds me that not all episodes that included Grey Goose were fun, but every once in a while they were. And those are the ones I miss most, but they aren't worth the troubled times I experienced. Or at least that's what I'm praying to remember tonight.

Love quote unquote...

i liked this quote and felt it fit in with my heart nicely, so here it is.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but ever too far to feel the love within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive. no past so bitter that love cannot accept. And no love so little that we cannot start all over with. --Albert Einstein

oh, here I am!

I haven't written in a while -- I always start blogs that way, but I know it's better to just get the truth out there. I've been busy -- watching my first class of 5th graders graduate, letting them go into the wild world of middle school with a lavish ceremony and amazingly fun activities, escaping from the negativity by taking in some movies and escaping through new methods of sleeping and exploring, pouring myself into the two things that have kept me motivated this year -- AA and work. These two things have kept me motivated because they keep me connected. I'm so grateful I have a job where I'm connected to people, because I think it's helped me most when I'm in a dark place, but it's never fun to cut the cord, even though I felt so proud. I didn't get too much time to mourn, whine, bitch OR complain though, because I received a new patch of pumpkin seeds to grow just three days later. They're different, and don't yet feel like "my" class, but they're special nonetheless and I think I"ll help them out in some way or another.

Today I'm going to my parents' house to celebrate Independence Day. My parents don't really celebrate holidays, and they sometimes have a tendency to not make me feel independent at all, which is their job, I guess. I don't really know why I'm going down there, but I guess a lack of other plans propelled me to go get some TLC from my mom and puppies. My dad can give it too, if he feels like it, but I'm not expecting much. We're not barbecuing, but I will get to see a gorgeous fireworks display without leaving my front door, and will be closer to the ocean, which will feel like a vacation without having one, I suppose.

The bad news? The meetings in the OC are awful. I feel like I'm on an episode of television, and do not feel connected at all. I will have to call lotsa people today to feel like I'm a part of this world. Otherwise, I may disconnect further, which just makes me feel like crap. Sigh. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, and my weapons include my journal, my books, my laptop and my work. OH, and don't forget the caffeine. At least that doesn't turn me into a weirdo, freaked out self-conscious monster like the booze used to. And prayer. I don't think I'm really religious, but I do feel a spirituality exist inside of me. My higher power is to be described further in a later blog entry, but it's a good one. Much better than undependable people who change like the wind.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got for now. I feel good, and even though I might not all day today, I'm going to fake it til I make it. :) And I will make it. I know I will. Thanks for letting me share.

My Triumphant Return to Blogland

well maybe not Triumphant but here nonetheless...

A Dim Time

So I never came back to finish the story. I guess I was just too fearful of sounding whiny and too cautious of living in the past. But basically, work put me in a horrible position -- walk and get respect from peers but possible disapproval from the man who arranges my check to be sent to me, or not walk and lose respect from peers but gain approval from my principal. It was a rough place to be, pressure from all sides, but I faced it head on. I simply went up to the principal and said, "Look, if I don't walk, I lose their respect. If I do walk, I might lose my job." He looked at me and said "You're going to be okay. Do what you need to do." I thought to myself, I already did. I faced my fear, and got the answer that I needed from doing so. I walked and it was good. I still feel like I'm not sure about the union's bullying tactics, but I'm not in charge there.

I also have been going through losses. They're called transitions, but whatever it is, it hurts. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for realizing I have the self-respect to deserve better. But on the other, I have been orbiting some of these people for *so* long, I can't imagine what it will be like without them. I think I might cry a lot less from being hurt by them in the long run, but right now it makes me cry most. The support system I've known is just being chipped away at, and I know that it'll make me stronger and that I'm going to be getting some great people in my life and blahblahblah, but that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel like love is constantly being given by me, and not much is coming back in right now. And I'm feeling all of this. I'm not running away or trying to orbit around anything else...just being driven by my feelings. Hanging tough like the New Kids but feeling every ounce.

The Bright Side...

Through all this, I've made it to 70 days. My friend made me realize that the other night. Through a death, through job loss possibilities, through a Lakers' loss, through family issues, through vacation, through feeling welcome and feeling ostracized, through feeling great and feeling like I was being ripped to shreds, I have made it. In the words of Stark Raving Brad, I win. I'm going to bed sober.

Good night and thanks for letting me share....