It's been a long time comin'...

When my fifth grade class and I decided to perform this song at our Black History month performance last February, I had no idea what a premonition it would be. Everything changed last February -- correction, everything is always changing, but the most significant changes occurred last year at this time, and it snowballed all year, gaining volume until it knocked me clear on my ass.

It had been a long time coming, the inevitable loss of my biggest fan. And from this, i have learned to become my own cheerleader this year. I was simply too afraid to die, as Sam Cooke wrote, simply because my father had and I know I have to be here to become everything he wanted me to be....even if I am unsure what that is sometimes. Just like I had very limited knowledge on how to direct these Metallica-loving fifth graders on how exactly to capture and sing soulfully like Sam Cooke, I have to fake it til I make it when it comes to finding my way sometimes. And sometimes finding that way means losing brothers, sisters, friends, lovers ... Even if I ask them for help, they may not have been able to give me the help that I'm looking for, and I might wind up back down on my knees, feeling as lost as I can be. But that doesn't mean I've lost any strength. There were many times I thought I wouldn't be able to carry on this year, I simply didn't have the energy to process any more pain, sorrow, loss or disappointment. But my friends, family and my sweet dog gave me the strength to carry on, to help me realize this too shall pass. And that is perhaps the most important lesson...a change did come, but an even bigger one will come soon, one that will remind me why I struggle through any grief or sadness.

A year later and my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be. In the span of time that most create a life and welcome it into the world, I have lost a father, a job, friends and lovers. But I haven't lost my strength. And I have to use it to do what my dad would want me to do, become my biggest cheerleader and carry myself on to that next big change, whatever it may be.