In a beautiful world...

For some reason, the words to "Creep" by Radiohead have been running through my head since the first alarm went off this morning. I think it's because I kinda feel like a creep myself, talking to my gorgeous sober, happy self that woke up yesterday. The Committee barely let me get into the shower when all of a sudden, they started in on me. "Don't you want to control this person? You should. She/He/It/They all need fixing. Where's their 12 Step Program? Why do you have to be in one?" And on and so forth. Relentless little fuckers. So what to do?

Well, I've always heard that the best way to get a song out of the head is to listen to it fully. I just put it on, and I think back to a time not too long ago when I sang it on Rock Band 2 and just fucking wailed. "You're so very special...I wish I was special."It's a tango, for me at least, between what I used to tell myself 90% of the time and what I have been telling myself lately 90% of the time. My old self relished telling me how I was never good enough, not worth anything. It was really good at coming up with several hundred ways to tell me that on an hourly, if not minutely or secondly, basis.

In these past few weeks, months, I have been working on a personal inventory, seeing where I'm resentful and where I'm responsible, so on and so forth. Trust me, it's rough. But through this, I have had a realization that really, despite what the committee has said to me for the past 28 years, I'm actually worth a lot. I'm valued, and I do "float like a feather". The only way to continue that feeling of being so very special is to help others feel the same way about themselves. And to be honest to myself and others about what I think, do, believe and want. Or at least I've been trying. It might be hard, I might want to protect others and make friends, but I have to know that the only way of being there for people is by showing up and sharing my experiences - not telling myself that I don't deserve to be doing any of that. By dropping these preconceived notions of what I used to believe, I become less of a Creep, and more of a girl whose skin makes you cry.

That's all I got. Thanks for letting me share. I believe in you and always will. Stay strong and be true.