Gratitude List

So after writing that particularly scathing post as seen below, I decided to push out some positive energy, as that will grant me a more sound center. Five things I am grateful for tonight include:

1. Writing. The fact that I know how to write actual words, even if I'm not brilliant at poetically arranging them so that they conjure up strong emotions, I still have a way to express myself.

2. Books and TV. They allow me to escape, sometimes to a world without men and sometimes simply finding out how to better put together a day to nighttime outfit. It doesn't matter, either way, my brain can just relax.

3. My bed. Because damn. That thing wants me and I want it.

4. Meetings. Being in those rooms help me make sense of a crazy, fucked up way of thinking that I just happen to have. And most times, I remember I'm not the only one.

5. My dog. Even though sometimes he barks and eats things that aren't meant to go into the stomach of a 14 pound lovebug, he's still a cuddly, sweet dog who absolutely adores me, no matter what.

I feel the rage dissipating, so I'm going to go write some more in my private edition inside that mountainous pile of delicious softness. Good night and thanks.

Scariest Time of Year

It's October 30th. Usually this time of year I am filled with anticipation, giddiness, and wonder at all the fun spirited way the world looks at Halloween. However, I can't bring myself to feel that way tonight. I don't know what it is, but this Halloween is different. Instead of the marathon of sleep that I used to prepare myself with for the evening of debauchery, I'm wide awake at 1am thinking about how I should go to bed so I can get up, exercise and hit up twelve meetings in the morning. Instead of thinking about whether to start with Sapphire and tonics or Grey Goose and Red Bull, I'm thinking about how I can't wait to get my body into downward facing dog at 7am on Saturday. My life has changed, obviously, and while some people, including myself, find this to be for the better, tonight I feel it's for the worse.

Wait, you mean, you don't love sobriety all the time? No, and if I did, I don't think there would be a need for 12-step programs. Right now, in fact, this very instant, I am very resentful and angry at the gang of girls I saw on my way home in hot pants and cat ears, who are fifteen sheets to the wind and still looking for another drink. I'm pissed off that they get to drink on a Thursday night and go into work tomorrow hungover as fuck and have to deal with clients or customers while a headache thrashes in their empty, lonely and regretful minds. It's really unfair to me that they can access this world of drink and I can't. I probably have a lot more to drink over than they do, and yet I have to stay present and sound of mind while they get to scream "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO" while taking their 15th jaeger bomb as some piece of shit stud gropes their asses where I didn't know asses could be groped. I know I might come off as sounding sarcastic, but I really do hate that I don't get to disappear into the evening of slutty nurses, schoolgirls and storybook characters drunk off my ass as I have every year since I was 18. That disappearing is a comfortable place to be, but I have to be different this year. I have to be me.

As I complain, I also have to remember that every year some sort of fight or drama gets caused on Halloween, or at a Halloween Party, and I cause it 99% of the time. I've gotten thrown out of a bar on Halloween, cried my eyes out, and had a few other tragedies that I choose to keep mum on. But on the other hand, I have danced my body out at a Halloween concert or two and skipped down the Castro singing at the top of my lungs. This reminds me that not all episodes that included Grey Goose were fun, but every once in a while they were. And those are the ones I miss most, but they aren't worth the troubled times I experienced. Or at least that's what I'm praying to remember tonight.

Love quote unquote...

i liked this quote and felt it fit in with my heart nicely, so here it is.

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but ever too far to feel the love within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive. no past so bitter that love cannot accept. And no love so little that we cannot start all over with. --Albert Einstein

oh, here I am!

I haven't written in a while -- I always start blogs that way, but I know it's better to just get the truth out there. I've been busy -- watching my first class of 5th graders graduate, letting them go into the wild world of middle school with a lavish ceremony and amazingly fun activities, escaping from the negativity by taking in some movies and escaping through new methods of sleeping and exploring, pouring myself into the two things that have kept me motivated this year -- AA and work. These two things have kept me motivated because they keep me connected. I'm so grateful I have a job where I'm connected to people, because I think it's helped me most when I'm in a dark place, but it's never fun to cut the cord, even though I felt so proud. I didn't get too much time to mourn, whine, bitch OR complain though, because I received a new patch of pumpkin seeds to grow just three days later. They're different, and don't yet feel like "my" class, but they're special nonetheless and I think I"ll help them out in some way or another.

Today I'm going to my parents' house to celebrate Independence Day. My parents don't really celebrate holidays, and they sometimes have a tendency to not make me feel independent at all, which is their job, I guess. I don't really know why I'm going down there, but I guess a lack of other plans propelled me to go get some TLC from my mom and puppies. My dad can give it too, if he feels like it, but I'm not expecting much. We're not barbecuing, but I will get to see a gorgeous fireworks display without leaving my front door, and will be closer to the ocean, which will feel like a vacation without having one, I suppose.

The bad news? The meetings in the OC are awful. I feel like I'm on an episode of television, and do not feel connected at all. I will have to call lotsa people today to feel like I'm a part of this world. Otherwise, I may disconnect further, which just makes me feel like crap. Sigh. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, and my weapons include my journal, my books, my laptop and my work. OH, and don't forget the caffeine. At least that doesn't turn me into a weirdo, freaked out self-conscious monster like the booze used to. And prayer. I don't think I'm really religious, but I do feel a spirituality exist inside of me. My higher power is to be described further in a later blog entry, but it's a good one. Much better than undependable people who change like the wind.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got for now. I feel good, and even though I might not all day today, I'm going to fake it til I make it. :) And I will make it. I know I will. Thanks for letting me share.

My Triumphant Return to Blogland

well maybe not Triumphant but here nonetheless...

A Dim Time

So I never came back to finish the story. I guess I was just too fearful of sounding whiny and too cautious of living in the past. But basically, work put me in a horrible position -- walk and get respect from peers but possible disapproval from the man who arranges my check to be sent to me, or not walk and lose respect from peers but gain approval from my principal. It was a rough place to be, pressure from all sides, but I faced it head on. I simply went up to the principal and said, "Look, if I don't walk, I lose their respect. If I do walk, I might lose my job." He looked at me and said "You're going to be okay. Do what you need to do." I thought to myself, I already did. I faced my fear, and got the answer that I needed from doing so. I walked and it was good. I still feel like I'm not sure about the union's bullying tactics, but I'm not in charge there.

I also have been going through losses. They're called transitions, but whatever it is, it hurts. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for realizing I have the self-respect to deserve better. But on the other, I have been orbiting some of these people for *so* long, I can't imagine what it will be like without them. I think I might cry a lot less from being hurt by them in the long run, but right now it makes me cry most. The support system I've known is just being chipped away at, and I know that it'll make me stronger and that I'm going to be getting some great people in my life and blahblahblah, but that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel like love is constantly being given by me, and not much is coming back in right now. And I'm feeling all of this. I'm not running away or trying to orbit around anything else...just being driven by my feelings. Hanging tough like the New Kids but feeling every ounce.

The Bright Side...

Through all this, I've made it to 70 days. My friend made me realize that the other night. Through a death, through job loss possibilities, through a Lakers' loss, through family issues, through vacation, through feeling welcome and feeling ostracized, through feeling great and feeling like I was being ripped to shreds, I have made it. In the words of Stark Raving Brad, I win. I'm going to bed sober.

Good night and thanks for letting me share....

The Week Leading Up to my 60th Day...Part 1

Wow. What a week. It started off okay, I guess. Last Saturday I went to an incredible bbq at the last minute, and was surrounded by alcohol. While the tequila looked refreshing, I'm sure it would have left me with that "not-so-fresh" feeling in my mind and soul had I taken any. Without it, I felt like I was truly genuinely happy, and that's a feeling I love. Sometimes it feels so good, I get drunk off of that feeling, and I'm always jonesing for it now. I think the good meeting I attended Saturday morning helped, but it was kinda a weird vibe at the same time. I heard what I needed to hear though -- a thoughtful reminder that if I have peace in myself, I will stay calm no matter what. Oh, and not to drink. ;)

Anyway, Sunday took a turn for the not so great, with a fight with my mom over the pressure of my dad's attendance at a memorial service overcoming our conversation. We didn't speak again til Tuesday, which for anyone else is not that long of a time, but for us, well it just is. We at least say hi everyday, so that hit me hard. Luckily I was able to turn to my oldest half-sister, who really made me see it from a different perspective. Nonetheless, it being my first fight with my mom while sober, I especially took it to heart. I sucked it up for dinner on Sunday, which was nice but not the best Malo's experience, aside from the company. It makes me feel good to hang out with people who enjoy and express their happiness.

Monday was a hard, hard day at work. Parents make me sick sometimes, and the fact that right and left, people are allowed to have children without emotionally helping them grow just puts a pit in my stomach. The children deserve better than that, and furthermore, if we're putting them in this already messed-up world, we better teach them improved ways to constructively add to this world instead of teaching them anger and hate. Anyway...without going too much into that, I was angry and terrified all at the same time, both of which are emotions that just shock me into crying. Luckily, I had a meeting to turn to, which all of a sudden had three teachers in it once I shared. Amazing. Just what I needed. I got more than a few touching words after the meeting and felt all was right with the world.

Tuesday was okay -- my kids are itching to leave me, which is great but sad at the same time. I think I'll always treasure them. As a result of getting ready to leave my nest at school, they kinda turn into little asshole birds sometimes, pooping all over me. But at the end of the day, there's still a few willing to preen my feathers. However, the pressure to participate in Friday's walkout was starting to mount. And little did I know this was just the beginning...

Random Playlists

So the other day I was thinking about my iPod. And, I realized something that iPods and life have in common. More often than not, when you just press "Shuffle Songs" and let it go, the iPod can create a better playlist than I could ever create myself. I don't know why it is, I'm sure it has something to do with the newfangled technology. Today I've been listening to my library on shuffle all day, and it just went from the Beatles' "Revolution" to the Arcade Fire's "Keep the Car Running" and straight into Otis' "Try a Lil Tenderness". Delicious. But you know, every time I try to create the perfect playlist, it just comes out so forced and fake. Just like life. I have found in the past couple of weeks, that if I just let go and do my best at just being, everything else falls into place. But if I force it and try to control things, well, they just end up falling apart. Of course, the good playlist and the good life have resources, the former being a good library of songs to choose from and the latter being some hard work and showing up on my part. However, I'm not forcing issues, and I'm not trying to figure out why people do what they do. That's like figuring out why some people don't have the same appreciation for Otis Redding and M.I.A that I do. I'll never be able to figure out either one anyway, so it's best to just have and appreciate my good library of songs and hard work.

That's all I got. That and a huge sense of accomplishment from my hard work today. Thanks for letting me share.

Death

So I think this year will be full of firsts while being sober. And even though I was and am still looking forward to actually feeling, something I felt was lacking while I was drinking, I was not looking forward to my first death. But it happened. Actually, it happened twice. Once was not someone I was related to, but it was still hard to see them lose their young one. Especially because there was so much doubt behind whether they did the right thing. That was almost inspiring though. My co-worker's daughter had to make the awful decision of whether or not to pull the plug on her very young daughter. The quality of life was not worth it, they decided in the end, because she would have been simply a body due to the disease that ate her from the inside out, and kept her little body from growing. And my co-worker bravely stated that she knew, and had faith that her daughter had been worth it. Her strength in that decision made the death seem not as bad, though I still know it caused many pain, including myself.

Today, my nieces called me when I was at work. I thought this to be odd, but I had told my youngest to call me because she was sad last night. They've been dealing with their grandmom, (my sister's real mom, because we're half sisters) dying of cancer in their house. My sister and brother have both been strong in this battle, going so far as to test out experimental drugs along with traditional chemotherapy to prolong the life of their mom. It has been a long battle, one that's shrouded my nieces' 16 year old lives in darkness and stress for the past year or so. And that's hard to watch. Not to mention watching my sister be sad. At any rate, this weekend I texted with them about the situation at home, and it had gone from bad to worse. My sister's mom, Marion, had stopped eating and talking. Now, I have had the awful unfortunate experience of watching a couple of people die of cancer before, and I know that this is not a good sign. Usually though, there is a day or more of waiting. Fortunately, my sister and brother and nieces did not have to endure too much of this time, because she passed today.

It's hard to know her sunny face won't be calling out "Merry Christmas" to me when I call my sister's house in the beginning of December. It's sad to know that my sister, no matter how close she and my brother have gotten as a result of this, that she has lost her mom. She's very lucky, because she has my mom, who has always been there for her. But I know and she knows that it's just not the same. I can't fathom what it's like, for her and others close to me that have lost their moms, but I can imagine how much strength it must take. And I just hope that strength builds for her and she can re-focus her attention on her sweet girls, who are darling, no matter how bratty they can seem, because they are, after all, sixteen going on seventeen.

As for me, well, I'm proud I didn't say OH POOR ME, and let this compound my stress over this coming weekend, and snowball into my one woman pity party as I have in the past. Instead, I called my sister and grieved with her. I chatted with my nieces over simpler things, like what happened when the great aunts arrived, and how they are dealing with the stress and sadness. I wished I could be there more for them, and help with funeral arrangements, but Seattle is just too far away for that right now. I did grieve, which was important, and I took care of myself by taking a nap. Not by going to a meeting, which I should have done, but it's progress, not perfection. Besides, some days you just need to cocoon and marinate a bit. Anyway, that's all I got. Thanks for letting me share...but I gotta sleep!

Yoga

Who knew Fairfax and Santa Monica Boulevard could be so peaceful? I just got back from there, well, City Yoga to be exact. There was an 11th Step (which in layman's terms means Involving meditation in your life) Yoga Class/AA mtg. The man who runs it is just a dollface, and the room was filled with gay men and women, with a couple of straights here and there. So loving, so comfortable. After the intense yoga training where I defied gravity once or twice and did an incredible backbend, something I haven't done in years, we gathered to share and hold a meeting. Throughout the class we spoke of Grace, and the strength we have when it is within us, but how no matter what, you need to be open to it. And I really liked that feeling. So I thought I'd share. I think I'll have more to say on it, but my brain is yoga-fied right now, and I'm going to drop off to sleep. Namaste.

Video of the Week

Below is my song of the week, an intimate performance of fiona apple and her song "extraordinary machine." the lyrics are delicious but i didn't want to post them here because they're too long. :) enjoy! (oh, and if you get bored watching them tool around on stage, you can fast forward to 1:34 or so...)



ALSO....check out one of my sources of support -- Stark Raving Brad -- and his blog. You can see it here - http://www.myspace.com/starkravingbrad17. He lives in the beautiful city of SF, and we had a chance meeting at a meeting in LA. Amazing.

Exactly what I needed to hear...

Last night I made a shocking revelation to myself. I have been in a wonderful place - probably the most genuine-type happy I have been since high school graduation. Feeling absolutely fulfilled with the way life has been working out, because I've been letting go. Yeah my house is a mess, my room looks like my closet threw up all over it, and I am not being this awe-inspiring teacher, but I feel like a light is fucking radiating from my chest. A good light, kinda like E.T.'s. I feel, socially speaking, that I have had some incredible people enter my life. And stay there, which is even more remarkable.

I write this because it's so easy to forget the good things. For example, today was an emotionally raw day. But Saturday night, I was high on life after a good soccer game, and cracking up by myself while watching the "More Cowbell" skit from SNL. To be able to laugh so hard and call someone else up and laugh with them, that was a miracle this weekend. Total light years from the lonely solo pity parties of the "good ol' days" a few months ago. And yeah, while I'm being rigorously honest, today I had a pity party too. But I didn't feel alone completely, because I talked it out. Like, with a real human being, or several...instead of trying to just drink it all down. Or turn it inside and let it get me angry. Then..I went to a meeting, following what my sponsor told me to do. I hate to be bossed around, but I know if I do try it a different way, the way that she suggests I do, that good things will come of it. And you know what? It did! I went to the meeting, all puffy-eyed and exhausted and grumbling about how I have so much shit to do for school, and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. A guy speaking about how he didn't understand for a long time, why bad things kept happening to him even though he was being "the right kinda guy". And then he just said, fuck it. I'm letting go. The bad things that kept happening to him eventually made sense to him, because he didn't try to control them anymore. He stayed sober, he helped people, and he kept aspiring to be who he wanted to be. And eventually, he became the exact person he had walked into the program wanting to become.

I couldn't relate more. I have to just let go and go forward. It's easy to rationally say, emotionally, eh, I think it might take longer. But it'll show up. And in the meantime, I just need to take care of me and show up and be there. It's gonna resemble Colossus at Magic Mountain, I think, but I'll just enjoy the ride. (That's what she said.)

Listening to...
Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine

Can't wait to watch...
brothers and sisters from last week, the office.

My Friday Night

"Shoop" is playing on my iTunes, the Lakers just advanced, and I consumed a few grams of chocolate. It's been a stressful but fun week - seems like, I don't know, well-balanced with a few weird dreams splashed in during the nights. I think I love this balmy weather, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's heat, nor do I want to especially test 23 5th graders in this heat next Tuesday. But anyway, tonight was interesting. Intriguing, if you will. I was supposed to go see the Trachtenberg Family Slideshow players tonight, a greatly entertaining band who find slides and write songs with subliminally political messages weaved throughout them. I saw them open for Kate Nash a few days ago, another amazingly talented artist that I really enjoyed seeing. She is going to go far, man.

Anyhoo, I stayed at home, watched the Lakers, chatted with my friends and niece online, and even went grocery shopping. I mean, how great is that? I just took care of myself, and was satisfied just doing that. Though I did have an interesting run-in with a guy at the Trader Joe's. He was really overreacting to me being in his way, but I was the bigger person and just ignored him, and wished him a good night. Funny how a month or two ago, I would have been rude right back, but I saw that he's just struggling and it has nothing to do with me. Moments later, almost in the exact same spot, a woman who saw I was juggling apples and volunteered to help me by opening a plastic bag so I could put them in. Amazing. I made it back safely to my house, watched the Lakers really kick some ass, and then get cocky and almost lose, but they held on.

Totally satisfying night, if you ask me. I used to think I had to be out and about and socializing, but now I kinda realize I don't have to do anything. I can just be and still have plenty of fun. I am just being, and not really caring who thinks what about it. That's why I love this Kate Nash song...it's called "Mouthwash", and I think she's basically saying, hey, this is who I am and if you don't like it, that sucks for you but I'm not caring. I like to change the lyrics at the end, which say, "And I'm singing uh-oh on a Friday night and I hope everything's gonna be alright" to "I'm singing ohoh on a Friday night and I know everything's gonna be alright." It's happier that way, and it rounds out the song better, IMO. So with that being said, here's the cute and random video. Like I said, I saw her this week and absolutely recommend her to everyone.

Eleven O'Clock and All's Well

Ha. There's nothing like reading to make you feel like a jerk sometimes. Here's a passage I read randomly today.

A trying situation can be tolerated with relative ease when we have a positive, trusting attitude. We forget, generally, that we have an inner source of strength to meet every situation. We forget the simple truth - all is well, at this moment, and at every moment.

After reading this, my head snapped out of it. It's funny -- this message has been in and out of my realm of thinking since Friday night, thanks to random messages heard in meetings and conversations with friends.. but didn't really click emotionally until today. I got out of the funk, and got into a groove by visiting a close friend down near my parents. It was rejuvenating, and our talk made me realize that I don't have to be working the steps every freaking minute. What matters is that I am enjoying my life and finding that positive optimist that I grew up with deep down inside of me. With her comes this relaxed acceptance of any and all that might cross my path, along with a smart cookie that takes everything at face value - nothing more, nothing less. Most of all, I'm now comfortable with who I am, at least for today. And way more comfortable and forgiving than I was 34 days ago. And while actions speak volumes more than words, it feels good to write it all down and say it to myself, because that instills the positive attitude inside of me, and lets me marinate in it. Today I showed myself this person, as I did for most of the day yesterday and will hopefully do so tomorrow. And that's the most important person that needs to see it -- me. But I don't mind telling you about it. ;)

In case I don't get to write much this week, what with the return to the real world pending...have a beautiful week and keep your chins up and your hearts open! Thanks for letting me share...

Family Crap

I really want a meeting. Lakers lost, which bums me out, and there has been an overwhelming amount of family issues being tossed out. All I can really say is, staying sober in the real world is rough. I totes wanted a drink during the game, or at least a cigarette, but being at the parents' house, the latter was not viable. Needless to say, my jaw is tired from being clenched and upset about the bad plays by the Lakers and deep breathing has become my friend.

Family issues are the worst, and most prevalent, because of the obligatory calls to my mom, who is amazingly close to her entire family, both hers and my father's. The problems are about people who I care deeply about, and want to have the most control over, but just cannot. The pain that is caused by one's poor choices is dissected and re-evaluated by my mom, who then passes it on to me. Being that it's habit, and that I want to support my mom, I have to listen. Then I get worried, and everything turns into that knot that I wrote about the other night. However, I will prevail. I have to let go, because if I don't ... that knot might just turn into a craving.

I am so grateful though. I mean, my mom has overcome so very much, and she has persevered through a tragic upbringing and created her own successes in life. Her strength kept her company through an uprooting from Honduras and an arrival in a new country. The losses she survived last year and this year, the sickness she dealt with this year and overcame -- she's never given up. I have to appreciate her strength, because she has surely passed it on to me. The ever-compassionate love and forgiveness she has shown to her family members, some of whom have betrayed her, has never once wavered. She is a remarkable woman who loves her Lakers. And I am very grateful she is still with me.

Briefly

It's Mother's Day, and I did the right thing by coming down here. It's been pretty good quality time so far with Mom. With Dad, it's a whole other story. Sobriety is rough around him - it's just hard because he's so grouchy and for so long, I've believed it was always a fault of mine. But what I've come to realize is that he is just very spoiled and set in his ways, and if something isn't going his way, he gets really upset and takes it out on me or my mom. That's hard. But that's how people are, and I know I've acted that way plenty of times. He was rude to me, and I just basically found strength, acceptance and serenity in myself and didn't react like I have my whole life. I'm very proud of myself. I'm learning and re-wiring, and so far it's working.

The Lakers are on, so I have to go watch. In my room. Where I can watch without anyone complaining about my enthusiasm - because that's who I am. I'll write more after the game's over. Depending on my mood of course...;)

Unbelievable

I'm learning how to cut the ties, and it's painful. Being a teacher, I always want to see the potential in people, and it saddens me when they can't live up to their potential. But I have to just accept it, cut out people who don't live up to my standards. What's ironic is that I wasn't living up to their standards at one time, but now that I am, they're not living up to mine. Life is funny that way, I guess.

So I cried, and I probably will cry a few more times before this year is over. Maybe after that too.

What's more amazing about this, is that I was just so letting myself feel in the car on the way home. I was going to go to the Farmer's Market, but my battery was dying in my phone, and my emotional battery was sunk too. So I went home. Then, I got a text, unsolicited, from one of my best friends in the world, who does not text unsolicited. Sometimes he doesn't even text solicited...but anyway. It said, "Sorry I couldn't call you back yet. Very long week. Going now to help mom. How r you?" I could not f-ing believe it. I just couldn't. I needed it, and it was sent to me.

And then I go look in my book for an inspirational title, and it opens to a page that says..."We each have to grab our own happiness, create our own richness through experieces. We may share what we capture with loved ones, but like us, they too must search their own avenues for the satisfaction that lasts. We can neither give happiness to another, like a gift, nor expect it in return. " Part of cutting this loss is realizing that I am happy, and if people choose not to see that, well, I feel sad for them, but I can't change it. When they're happy enough and they're ready...I'm here.

Just further proof that I deserve people who love me and they will find their way to me as life sees fit. No pushing, no prodding required.

Carbon

So last night when I was having emotions, I comforted myself with some good ol' Tori Amos. She used to be my source of comfort steadily, until I had my last downward spiral and decided in a drunken state that she's sold out. Which she is. But now that I'm sober, hell, I'll cling on to an old memory to get me through the night without drinking and to help reteach me how to cope. I guess I thought that since she was an obsession for so much of my life and then let me down in various ways on tour last year (hello! a red wig, tori, really?!?), that I didn't connect with her music anymore. But last night she sympathized with me. When I feel down and need some strength, I listen to this song called Carbon off her seventh album, "Scarlet's Walk". She usually writes in abstract metaphors but you'll get it if you get it. These are the some of the lyrics I held onto last night as I thought about how I can't control life.

"Little Sis you must crack this"
he says to me
"you must go in again
carbon-made
only wants
to be unmade" ...

and keep your eyes on her
keep
don't look away
keep your eyes on
her eyes
on her horizon

The Day I Fell

Emotions hurt. I don't know if anyone knows this or not, but it's true. And you know what? I haven't felt them for so long I don't know how to feel them anymore. I used to turn them inward, and I still do. Tonight I let them all out on the 5 freeway, and didn't know what to do. I warmed up first by calling my friend, who said she was there for me no matter what. But I know it's a big load for one person. So then, I didn't do what I would've done a month ago, and I called my sponsor and asked for help. Instead of being pissed, she said, I totally understand. Instead of feeling like I was being a burden, I felt like I was worth something. The following statements are things she said mixed with my own words to make them stick in my soul. "All these feelings and emotions are what normies feel, but you used to cover them up, so you're not going to be used to them. That awful lump that's coming into your throat when you think of the death that's about to surround your life, that pit in your stomach that you get when you realize you're coming from a pure place but no one else can see it or cares, that painful separation from your best friend of two years...yeah you used to drink it away. You used to blow it all off with as much alcohol as you could get your hands on. But not anymore. No, you're not going to try to control the situation, no matter how tempting. You're not going to be full of resentment of how others are suffering due to an uncontrollable illness...You're not going to ask anyone any questions because chances are, they're just as unsure themselves. You're going to let go, you're going to learn from it, you're going to go home and comfort you in any way you want. Take a bath, drink tea, watch tv, draw, go to a meeting, read, cuddle under the blankets, eat cake in bed...BUT you are NOT, under any circumstances, going to drink or use. Those will bring those haunting voices back. You're worth something now. You are worth something to those 23 kids that'll be waiting for you come Tuesday morning. You are worth something to your parents. You are worth something to me. No matter what anything else tells you in your brain, you win at this game tonight...you win at life always..."

And then I remembered that we are absolutely right. It's not my issue nor my place to understand why things are happening the way they are. It's my job to accept. Redundant, I know. But it's what's getting me through the night.

One month, comin' right up!

Today is the 30th day of my sobriety. It leaves me with a strange feeling. It actually began with a strange feeling, too. I kinda took today as it came, spent most of the morning cleaning and the second half not knowing if I wanted to go to a meeting. I threw the idea back and forth in my head more than a few times, and finally let the idea go. I didn't want to go to a meeting and not know anyone or feel disconnected, because I don't really have a regular Wednesday meeting. Funny, that didn't stop me from going 30 days ago, but this time, I just felt at peace with myself. I tried some of my old tricks, pushing someone away from me, begging to be entertained by another, and then I realized nothing ever comes out the way I want to when I push for it. So I let go. Then I watched a dvr'd episode of "Brothers and Sisters", which entertained me for a bit.
It was such a lackluster day to the outside person, but as I sat there on the couch and looked around, I realized how clean my apartment was. Again, a totally mundane thought for anyone else, but for me, it was like...wow. I know I could have cleaned 32 days ago, but I was so focused on myself and my dislike for life that I just didn't give a shit. Scones would not have made me as happy as they did today, not just because of my growing sweet tooth but because I made them perfectly, without trying to, and with such a great cup of coffee. And the whole time, I spent the day thinking, you know, I got all this done. And if I get to mopping, I get to it. But if not, I still managed to 409 the counters. Like I said, totally mundane thoughts for a normie. For me, though, I would done one of two things 33 days ago...I would have either kicked my ass and been totally sad with myself for not making the house perfectly clean, and wound up depressed; or I would have called everyone I know, begging them to come over and approve of my handywork. Today, my 30th day, I did neither. Instead, I kinda prodded on through my day, doing only what I cared to do, and didn't expect anything out of the day. I didn't even force myself to write, and tonight I went out to a premiere of a campy horror movie that I loved, followed by a great brazillian meal, capped off with a homemade chocolate mousse, with a cherry of a blog on top. All because I let go.

I am nervous about my 30th day, which could be why I didn't go get a chip. I remember my last 30th day, in the other county, and how I started substituting all sorts of things for alcohol. Control of food, smoking, affection...it was a mess. I didn't get the program. Now sometimes I get it so well I'm scared. I'm scared that the feeling of confidence I have right now will disappear along with my free time next week when school starts up again. I don't know why it's crept up right now, after I've written about how everything has been great now that I've learned to accept, not expect. But it's an underlying fear. There are some greater issues than life that I am also dealing with, at least in a removed sense. Moreso than my usual boy troubles or work stress. But for some reason, it's easier to let go of the death that's looming on my family's horizon than it is for me to let go of what work might do to my program. Life's funny that way...it's so much easier to trust in certain situations than others, and I don't think I can really grasp that. Maybe it's not so much for me to grasp but to just let go.

Like I said, today started weird and ended weird, with an enormous amount of good in between. Gingerdead, the Walkers, Bill W., Kobe, Chicken and Gorgonzola Salad, reflection, laughing, paparazzi, 409, Tupac, new friends, moving on, Rock Star, instant messaging, hot showers, sponsors, acceptance, writing and letting go. This is what made my day today. Could it make my day tomorrow...some of them might, but overall, probably not. There's a whole other slew of adventures and lessons for that and the next few months, to say the least. I think that's all I got. Apologies for the disjointedness, but exhaustion's a beautiful thing that way. Besides, I'm not known for making sense, but I do love my strength in not doing so. Thanks for letting me share....

Day 28

Today has been great so far -- I got up early and instead of sitting on my computer for hours at a time like I sometimes do when there are no plans on the horizon, I went a few minutes late to a new meeting I hadn't tried before. I wasn't going to go, but then I realized that I didn't go yesterday, and I've been feeling really good when I do go to meetings, so I went. It was a Step Study, studying step 6, which states that alcoholics are entirely ready to have G.O.D. remove all these defects of character. Even though I'm kinda keeping the steps a secret to myself as I work them, I know that step 5 is going to be making a complete inventory of myself. I kinda do that all the time, as many of my close friends know. I'm always thinking about what a crap job I did at this or how great I am at this... But this step really intrigues me. Maybe it's because it's more about accepting the character defects, which I understand...but I don't know how to let them go. I'm sure I'll get it in time...but right now, I just enjoy being intrigued by it. The really cool thing I heard at the meeting was this...that judgement can be a defect of character. And that by judging someone who has more or less time than you, you might shut out what they have to say. I think that's true. Everyone does have something important to say, no matter if you disagree with them or not. And if you think you're the only "right" one, then you have some defects to work on. As a newcomer to the program, it helped make me feel liberated to hear that, because I am *always* worried about what I have to say both inside the walls of the meeting and outside. This guy who was sharing said something to the effect of he might have ignored the speaker had it been a year ago because the speaker had less time than him. But since joining this program, and working through the steps, he realizes having more time sober means showing up as a newcomer each day, being open to hearing everything and not thinking you know it all...that was just a miracle. That's what this program is teaching me. It's not teaching me to not drink. I know how to be a dry drunk. It's teaching me how to love myself and live with others.

Religion and Some other Clarifications

So my friends pointed out to me tonight that I've been using the term "Big Book" a lot in my blogs. By using this term, I'm not talking about the Bible. That's a book I simply haven't picked up since high school, I think. No, the Big Book is the AA's nickname for the book that's actually called Alcoholics Anonymous. It has a lot of great info on how AA works, how it came about, and how it can continue to work. Not only that, but it has stories of people. These stories are actually between 65 and 80 years old, but a lot of them could be written by me or any other alcoholic I know. It is our Bible in the program, and can be very scary and very enlightening at the same time. Both feelings are conjured in me because of its relevance.

As well, I tend to talk more about GOD, but it's not who you think. Quite frankly, I'm kinda a believer that something or someone is out there, but I'm not sure who. And recently, I'm realizing what connotations the word God can have, politically, emotionally and spiritually. The GOD I think about when we use the term "God" or "Higher Power" in the program is actually the "Gathering of Divinities". Buddha, Jesus, Confucious, Earth...I think they all play a part in my spirituality, in some way. And that is all I have to say about that. ;)

Not *just* an alcoholic

When you're in the dumps, it's really hard to get out of them. And I think with sobriety this week, and reading these last few posts, I was thinking...hey, I'm getting sober, why aren't my problems going away? Then, after hearing a few good speakers, and talking with the sponsor, and my MFT (Mentor/Friend/Therapist) I realized...the problems aren't going to go away. That's life. Right now, I'm focusing all my energy on sobriety, but in the end, it's not going to be who I am. The sponsor and I were talking, hmm, Friday, I think it was...and she said something interesting. People who are in the program in the area I was formerly in the program are much more likely to say, "I'm an alcholic. So what?" As in, they only see themselves as just that. And, as Maria Shriver said the other day when I happened upon her talking at a book fair..."You are never *just* one thing...each one of us has a value." Each one of us has many different aspects to them, and even though right now I am focused on being an alcoholic, and recovering, that's not going to solve my problems in life completely, nor is it going to consume all of my life. Right now, it has to, so I can get better. It's just like that speaker I heard a few weeks ago, that because someone scratches his balls, that does NOT make him just a ball scratcher. No, he might be a father or a son or a great friend, and that's just something you're focused on. Similarly, alcoholics are teachers, they are doctors, they are the homeless, they are famous...and they, just like me, have to focus on staying strong and working on sobriety.

There's a certain high to being sober for the first month or so...mine lasted a little longer last time I started being sober. I have to admit, I've been getting off on it. What's not to be high about? I mean, it seems like This week, it ended, hence the sad posts and questioning of sobriety. I was kinda like, what's the point? I'm not getting any of my problems solved, I still feel sad sometimes, and I don't feel liked all the time. Then I realized...OH! It isn't going to solve everything, but it IS going to remove part of me. That whole alienation of people that I wrote about in earlier posts, that whole blurring of lines that allowed me to manipulate situations, that false sense of control...those will start to lessen because I'm not drinking. Will I still say stupid things? Will I still try and control things? Will I maybe try to manipulate still? Probably. It's all part of being human. But I'll be more aware of my actions and the importance of being a good person and feeling that light of loving life, and therefore be more attracted to doing the right things. I won't have a crutch of alcohol anymore, to blame and use as an excuse. Scary? Yeah. But in that fear I will gain a sense of being human, being Mireya, being a lot of different things. Most importantly, just being me. (Which, I have to admit, makes me want to sing that darn "She's just being Miley" song...but I will spare you.)

That's all I got, folks. At least for now.

Scattered.

I feel like last night's update was kinda like how I've been feeling all week -- scattered, happy but with a little confusion on top. I guess that's what being sober and being reintroduced to having a huge pile of work is like. It's going to be my reality soon -- working and being sober and not having all day long to attend meetings. I'm getting anxious about it, which has prompted feeling scattered and trying to keep myself busy so I don't overanalyze and anxious-cize about it. This results in me feeling burned out and not feeling like I'm taking care of myself, but I am. I think it might be my way of living in denial or something. Just keep myself busy and I don't have to deal with the impending worry of real life settling back in.

I'm also having strange feelings towards alcohol. I don't know what these strange feelings are. I don't think they're cravings, but I do think my view of it has shifted. I don't know if talking to my sponsor, who has sponsored before and is actually studying to be a drugs and alcohol counselor but never has sponsored someone who went into the program without being in rehab prompted it but i think being on the eve of my 30th day might have something to do with it. They're feelings of like, what's wrong with me that I can be around alcohol and not want it? Why did I not feel that way when I was drinking? Is it because I've admitted I'm totally powerless over it? I don't know. It kinda makes me nervous.

But I am hanging in there. Gladly, actually. I'm realizing how much better my life has been without alcohol. I've been busy, having an event almost every night for the past few weeks, or something to do...whether it be a meeting or something just to get me out of the house. I've been surrounding myself with positive friends that are aware of my dedication to fighting this disease but maybe don't know that sometimes I feel shaky. It kinda reminds me of my depression, actually. I can maintain in front of my class no matter what, no matter how depressed I feel, but then I get home and crumble sometimes. Totally high-functioning. I feel that way right now. Just totally lost. My sponsor is great, and she and I have a strong connection that I feel like I can ask her all of these things and more. I'm grateful for all the busy-ness but kinda wonder if I'm going to collapse when life gets back to being life.

I kinda feel like I really really want to be back to where I was two weeks ago, happy and optimistic and feeling good about my choice to be sober. But right now, I feel like maybe I didn't make the right choice, maybe I'm not capable of feeling good about being sober. I've heard others deal with this -- and then they say this is the nature of the disease. It's out "talking" you. In fact, it "out-talked" a 29 year old last week in his first two months of the program. It out talked him right to his suicide. That's scary, and I know I don't want to go there, but it just goes to show that this isn't going to be rainbows and happy times, no matter how much I want it. I just don't know.

So yeah, I'm scattered. Yeah, I'd love to get back to where I was. But I just don't know how right now. Maybe I'll know better after some downtime, maybe I'll know better when I wake up in the morning, maybe I'll know better tomorrow after my Friday night meeting. Maybe I won't even know til next year. For now I'm going to strive to be happy, and strive to maintain my positivity and strive to be a person that is trying to be good. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can o, feel free to let me know. Thanks for letting me share.

Baby steps...

so life has been crazy, at least this week. Monday I was way overwhelmed and just plain in need of a meeting. Tuesday, I spent the day at a great Teaching Writing Seminar, and felt re-juvenated as a teacher. But then last night I was stressed about the BTSA thing (that beginning teacher support thing) that I have to turn part 2 of 2 in ASAP. I cannot work on it at home -- I get too distracted online. That's what happens when you have great friends online and offline ... or when I'm just online. I think I just love procrastination, actually. Because as I see this little kid studying frantically not far from me, probably for a test tomorrow, I totally relate. I was that kid, never getting how to finish an essay or project early, never studying at all in school.

Since I started the program though, I noticed something. Yeah I still totally procrastinate. I have to have this thing in by 3pm tomorrow and I'm writing a blog, for pete's sake. But I *want* to do better right now. I am figuring out that I should do the individual events ahead of time, and then this wouldn't have been such a pain in my ass. I would've been able to play hours of GTA4 last night, which I'm determined to figure out. That's what I'm going to do ... and strangely, I just heard this dad of this kid say the same thing to his son..."Don't put things off, just get things over with..."I smile to myself and tell myself the same thing. The thing about AA, it's a program of action. Today I did that in my personal life by calling my oldest sister, instead of just thinking I should call her. We had a fantastic talk, me in my car, hustling down the freeway to the parents', where they still live in the 20th century with dial-up, which I have no patience for. And will therefore, be the greatest thing tonight when I get home to their house and have to do hours of work. We talked about our family, how we understand it and love the people in it, but that from the outside it wouldn't make sense at all. I love those talks. I'm grateful for that, and I'm impressed with myself for getting the bulk of this horrid paper done before 4pm. Baby steps. Every little thing matters.

I'm grateful but I'm also kinda suspicious that the boy behind the counter heard caffeinated and not decaf tonight. I have a feeling that I might be grateful for that before too long -- I might be able to finish this thing before too long yet. I hope. If not, at least I'm going to go back to doing work. Really. I am. :) Thanks for letting me share...and have a great night!

Day 21 - New and Improved

A nap started off my new Day 21. I finally gave in and stopped the pity party after my last blog. The voices just started in on me when I went to take a nap. The same ones that used to drill scary thoughts into my head -- thoughts I'd never actually pursue because A. I'm too vain and B. I'm not that selfish. Anyway, they started creeping back in, and I said, "No, it's not my fault. These bad things are not happening to me because I am full of fail. They're happening because life happens." I only recently had that voice come out. Like only 21 days ago. It's gaining strength. And you know, before I knew it, I woke up with drool all over my left hand and twenty minutes of sleep under my belt.

I made my frozen mac and cheese (hey, not healthy but what I had in the freezer. We'll re-focus on nutrition around Thursday...) and watched a second of"Millionaire" and TMZ. I left for the meeting, early but ready. Immediately I was intrigued by NPR and this story on Wesley Snipes. Poor guy. I'm glad I'm not him, as I'm sure many are. It was interesting though...they interviewed both sides of the situation. I got there too early, and went to the room. It was locked, no one there. I freaked out. Great, no meeting? I thought...how am I going to make it? So I went to the car, took some deep breaths, thought Oh, I can get home and be productive...but I'll wait til 7:30 just to make sure. Lo and behold, my knights and ladies in shining armor came to rescue me. Only their armor was the Big Book, poker chips and intimacy.

At any rate, my new bff was the speaker. He turned four years old last week in AA years, the same meeting that I turned 14 days at. He was so welcoming last week, and this week as well. I was still anxious and not okay until they said the usual "So not to embarass you but so that we may get to know you better..."speech asking newcomers to identify themselves. Then I got to raise my hand and say the usual, Mireya, alcoholic, 21 days. And he asked me to read the 12 steps again. I was still not feeling the meeting until halfway through step 3. Then thanks to the candlelight and the comfort of the words, I felt ahhhhh. Ecstasy, relaxation, calmness and serenity. I felt like I could breathe again.

Daniel spoke and said some amazing things that I'll have to write at a later time. Mostly what struck me were his eloquent words and his portrayal of how he finds peace in the big book sometimes. Which is what I read when I was feeling so miserable earlier, before my nap. Hearing the shares made me feel...I don't know. Magically connected and anchored down again. Not sad and wallowing, even though some things I heard were sad, but a serenity in feeling like, oh right. I'm not the only one. But mostly I felt so connected to were hearing about the voices in the heads of normal people around me. Disproving, of course, that I am not broken, nor was I ever. I just suffer from a disease. Strange how comforting that is. The fact I feel connected to people because of a disease.

Anyhow, after the meeting, we broke. And a lovely girl came up to me and told me she knew just how crap I felt and how much patience it takes to work with kids. That too was comforting. But not as comforting as my next little tidbit...as we were walking out, she said, "OOOH PUPPY!" And I saw this woman walk by with a gorgeous wrinkly faced little brindle colored guy, not more than 8 weeks old. I melted right there into a puddle. And then we were petting him, and SHE LET ME HOLD HIM, and informed me that they were looking for a home for it, that he was a gift. I thought about it...remembered the strict No Pets policy and nearly cried, but realized on the way home that he's a mutt, one that could grow, as my friend says, OMG HUGE. I think the universe might bring me a better match in August. Anyway, that was my New and Improved Day 21, so thanks for letting me share.

Day 21

I had a rough day today. Not enough sleep last night, too much funny comedy on the web to keep me up. Exhausting weekend, but super fun and sober. Today I had committed myself to substituting for a 2nd/3rd Grade Combo Class. It wasn't that great, to be honest. They were very talkative, feeling listless because of the insane heat and not very powerful but very noisy air conditioner, and I was cranky as all hell.

After school, I met with my supporting beginning teaching program advisor, and it went well. I was able to convince her I've done a lot of work, which I have, but got several assignments to complete. All before Wednesday, and I have a "Teaching Writing Conference" and meetings to attend between now and 7:30 Wednesday morning. I could have done more work, but I haven't, and I guess I sadly accept that.

Then I came home, and was hip hopping around on cyberspace. I did something totally out of taste, even if it was intended for another target, and then just crumbled. I just started self-pitying it up, letting those voices take over and beat myself up for a few minutes. I even shed some teensy little tears and somewhere in the back of my mind thought of the wine tasting going on close by. But then I took some deep breaths. Calmed myself down. Drank some water, and read some Big Book. I tried to turn the energy around, congratulating others on their accomplishments and trying to be grateful for something. Anything. But it isn't working. I think maybe I've found the angry part of recovery. But it isn't going to take me back there.

Let it be

Something I've been working on this week is "Acceptance". There's this great passage that says, "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."I can't tell you how this has opened my eyes this week. It's not an easy task, but I have to remember that I can't control other people and their actions. For example, today I'm trying desperately to work on some of that "supportive program for teachers" work, and my upstairs neighbors are very enthusiastic about the futbol game. I have no issue with excitement and enthusiasm over sports, anyone who has watched a Lakers, Dodgers or football game with me knows this. But to hear "Chivaaaaas, muy bien!" and "Viva las Chivas" and screams and drunken laughs interrupt my thought patterns while examining the behavioral issues of my 5th graders, well that's just frustrating. Can I change this? I can get frustrated and yell back, but that won't change their behavior. So I have no choice but to accept it. In fact, I'm even smiling at their enthusiasm, as I imagine that's what it sounds like when LT scores his touchdown or Kobe hits his 49th point of the night. And, hey, at least it's not violent screams or angry footsteps I hear but sounds of excitement.

Similarly, I have no choice but to accept that sometimes, people won't like me. Sometimes people need a break from me. And even though it hurts, and even though I don't understand it sometimes, I need to let it go. Because if I force it and push it, I won't be liked more, nor will I improve the friendship. But if I let go and accept whatever it is the universe is trying to do with this friendship, it'll work out on its own. By pushing it and pulling into my way, I won't do anything but grow resentments and distrust. Maybe in a few months I won't care that this person doesn't want my friendship, or maybe the universe will make it so that we're the best friends in the world. I don't really know, but then it's not my job to do so. My job is to accept things the way they are put in front of me. To, as John Lennon and Paul Mc Cartney wrote.."Speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be". And that job is very liberating. Thanks for letting me share. And the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway or you can't figure out why that person won't call, let this be your inspiration....

Let It Be, Lennon-McCartney

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

"To look backward for a while..."

Today I woke up feeling sorry for myself, as you could probably tell from my previous post. It's funny how those feelings didn't seem to surface when I was drinking until I was drowning in them. But today it's just starting off slowly. I read the chapter "Women Suffer Too" this morning, about a woman who comes to when she's in someone's apartment and doesn't remember how she got there, considering it was in "the remote parts of Brooklyn...it took me forty-five minutes and two subway changes to get back". It took me back to a time, actually, several times, where I would get so drunk and have no idea the danger I was putting myself in.

There was that one time, before I moved to LA, when my best friend from childhood defended a total stranger over something obnoxious that I said, and I took off walking down Cahuenga Blvd. Her personal trainer friend had to walk with me for many blocks before I would even consider calming down. I didn't go back to her party, I preferred to sleep in my car.

There was the other time, at a Rilo Kiley concert, when I said something totally offensive to my friend and felt so bad and felt like she was so mad at me that I left the concert as RK was taking the stage...and slept in my car. At the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium.

Oh, and one time, I was so mad at my then-boyfriend at our first Halloween for flirting with another girl that I slapped him, we both got kicked out of the bar, and I ended up looking for him for hours downtown Santa Cruz amongst festivities, and then walked home by myself in a flapper costume.

Most recently, I gave lap dances to my friends at a birthday party (which were pretty good, I might add), and then got offended when they were concerned about how I was getting home. So of course, I take off down Magnolia Blvd. In North Hollywood. By myself. On my way to, you guessed it, sleep in my car. Thankfully, I ran into my other group of friends who convinced me to go home with them and return to my car about 7 short hours later.

So. Much. Glory. I had fun, don't get me wrong. But writing about this now and looking back at it, I feel a lot of pain, but I also feel really relieved. Relieved that nothing happened to me, but saddened by my actions a lot of the time. Then I realize, you know, I was drinking because of this or because of that, because I didn't feel loved or because I was stressed about my job. There is always a reason. But those reasons don't hold water compared to the actions that come out of them. Strangely enough, looking back this morning has made me feel better. Better because what I have now, even if it's a ton of overwhelming work from the state to complete my credential, is way better than that headache and feeling of trying to figure out what happened last night. Or those false friendships I would form in the bar, or figuring out who I offended and what I said. Now I remember who I am, and even though this path might be very difficult, it might be worth it, because I can feel again.

i just don't know about this.

When I woke up this morning..I felt like this...

So it's been a week. My blog is happy, and I like writing in it. However, falling into line with being an alcoholic, I am also very self-centered. Of course I'm comforted by the fact that everyone that attends my meetings always says the same thing, "It's all about me...", "I'm selfish", "Me me me me me". It's quite common for alcoholics to have some degree of narcissim about themselves. That's why we drink, obviously. We don't drink to entertain others, we drink to make ourselves happy. I suppose that's what I should be doing with my writing. I should be using it as my alcohol, to be writing to make myself happy, not to entertain others. But at the same time, with but one comment and zero voters in my poll, I just feel like I'm talking to a wall right now. Maybe it's just the funk I crawled into at the end of last night, maybe it's just hormones, maybe it's the overwhelming stress my teaching "support" program is putting on my shoulders. At any rate, it's really frustrating. I guess I just want to know if anyone is out there.

Meh. I think I should go read the chapter on Self-Pity now. I just don't know.

Happy One Week Birthday to my lil' Blog, and happy sixteen days of sobriety to me!! Every day counts...

The Dream

So when I woke up yesterday, I realized I'd had a very troubling dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant with triplets. My water broke and I went into labor, with only my mom there to support me. My body is somewhat reluctant to finish going into labor even though everything was going as normal, according to the doctor in my dream whose face I didn't see but swear s/he was there, and they convinced me to somehow have a natural birth for triplets. Anyway, I deliver three healthy babies and begin contemplating whether I should give them up for adoption or not. The moment I start thinking about giving them up, my good and strong friend comes in with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. He walks in, gingerly holds one of the triplets and looks at me with his puppy-dog eyes and says, sweetly but forcefully,"You canNOT give this up." He hands me back the little one and leaves. I woke up, puzzled and totally amazed at the same time. After explaining my dream to my other friend, he urged me to look it up online. Actually, he sent me the link about pregnancy, which states that pregnancy resembles a new concept or a new idea that you want to pursue. Then I looked up triplets, which states, "You must examine a concept or new idea and evaluate its worth physically, emotionally and spiritually." *Plays Twilight Zone in head* I thought that was intriguing, and well-worth a blog entry, because it's true. Sobriety seems easy, but I'm not going to make it without the support of my friends, and I do need to consider all aspects of it. It may not always be easy, but it will all be worth it.

From Breathing to Sunshine

I had a great night out karaoke-ing with my friends. Oh yes, NKOTB was performed along with the dance in 4-inch heels. And no ankles or necks were broken. SWEET! So. Much. Fun!

Anyway, on my way home, Sia's song "Breathe Me" came on. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but the lyrics say..

Be my friend,
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I was instantly taken back to about a dozen days ago. I was singing that about every five minutes, wanting someone to coddle me and indulge in my self-pity. I didn't have what I thought were good friends because they weren't buying into it. Since I have gotten sober though, I say THANKFULLY they didn't buy into it. No one needs a needy person. I guess I didn't realize that because I didn't believe in myself, no one else could either. Instead of attracting people with my sad sad soul, I was turning them away from me. I was encouraging them to run away instead of hold me.

But now, I feel absolutely loved. And I think that might be because I love who I have become since starting this program. I'm not saying it's always going to be great, because it probably won't. Right now, though, I have a deep lust for life that is slowly turning into a love for my life. I feel like I'm constantly been glowing in a post-coital fashion, even though no coitus has been occurring. I feel like I'm actually alive and witnessing the great parts of life. And I think that's where I realize that sometimes, you do need to have a good rain storm to have a beautiful rainbow. But I never want a storm as bad as that one ever again. So I'll stay away from the rain clouds that come to me in the form of bottles and focus on bringing sunshine into my life. Maybe I've had too many Red Bulls late in the evening, but that's what I feel like right now. I feel like the song "You Are My Sunshine" is way closer to how I feel now.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you...

Thank you to my friends, who are beautiful souls that bring my sunshine to the surface, and thank you to the program, that's encouraging me to look for the sunshine instead of dwell on the rain. I love you both from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for letting me share.

The Engine Makes it Go

The speaker Friday night was incredible. And very much well-received, at least by me. See, I worked in 2nd grade again today, which went great until lunchtime, and then it was like I took a grouch pill at lunch. I think it might have just been sheer exhaustion, which definitely means I'll have to get more than 5 hours of sleep a night when I go back to my babies, my fifth graders. I digress. My Friday afternoon felt a lack of enthusiasm towards recovery and towards life in general once I left school. Might have had something to do with the daily convo with mom, who has the answers to everything, or it might have had to do with the sad news that my favorite school secretary in the world might lose her first grandchild to an obscure disease. I hate having to see people I love and cherish go through the hard times. I'm not sure, but for some reason I was really on edge this afternoon and just feeling bleh about daily life. Not sobriety, but the part we call life. I didn't think for once to drink. I just felt like I would hate anyone I would meet, (even if it were Picasso or Tori Amos or the guy who came up with the recipes for Porto's cakes) for those couple of hours. And I actually became the snarky monster I used to become when I drank. So I gave in and passed out in a gentle afternoon-nap-type-way on my couch. It was perfect, and I woke up in a happy Snow White glow, with the birds chirping and little bunnies gather 'round my feet. Okay, so there were no bunnies but I was loving life once again. A nice feeling. I looked at http://www.ihasahotdog.com and some LOL cats pictures, which totally revved me up, and then I went to the meeting.

I was late, or rather, just in time to have to stand next to the trashcan. I wasn't even annoyed by that though -- I got there just in time to do the whole newcomer thing, where a lovely sober alki came over and brought me to a seat next to her. Finding a seat in this ginormous meeting is a bit like finding a ten dollar bill in a dollar store. The people I found there were like finding a hundred dollar bill. And I got to see someone take a cake for like, 14 years, and talk about how it's changed their life, being in this program. It made me so unbelievably high.

Then the speaker. This guy was electric. One of the first things he talked about was how he's seen it in every meeting, the people who have had such a hard time sobering up and then get sober for five months or five years and still stand outside and say "I have a problem with the whole God thing." He then compared it to going down the 405 at 80mph and turning to your passenger and saying, "You know, I have a problem with this whole engine thing." And I think he's right. I mean, far be it from me to become a Jesus Freak, because I've been screwed by, judged by and crucifed by organized religion. And I've seen organized religion used in politics to just make a mockery of a guy who seemed like a pretty good guy. But there has to be someone or something out there that knows more of the answers than I do, because my answer was always a bottle of champagne or red wine or vodka. And something made me change my mind. So there has to be something there, you know?

He went on, completely cracking me up through his words, and then within seconds, putting tears in my eyes. His words were radiating with enthusiasm for sobriety. And later, as I found out when I thanked him, his entire manner was that way. I'll probably be writing more about him as I let his words marinate and permeate my thoughts, but I was just entirely grateful for this man. It's true, someone said this the other day, another speaker..."since I can't find "God", I might as well look for his stash. And his stash is in the good people in the world." And they make me high.

Partial recovery of Thursday Night

So last night I wrote this beautiful blog, super poetic and nice and pretty. But then the cyberspace gods were like, nope. We're not saving right now, even though we're going to say we're saving it. So I lost it. And now, I've kinda partially recovered it, but some words I guess weren't meant for public consumption, so they wouldn't come back.
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Fire balances Water

Today I worked all day, with the second grade. I don't think I like them too much -- they're too much like me, co-dependent and never sure of themselves, and when they need something, they whine. After a good talk with my MFT (Mentor/Friend/Therapist), I went to the gym. Before I went in, I sat by this fountain that I adore. There's always been something very calm to me about water. I guess it's my fire sign wanting and needing that balance. And it's hard now, living in the dead center of the universe, living so far from the ocean. I miss it in times like these, because it's kept me calm through a lot of things. But I seek and enjoy it in small doses like in that fountain. It's a fountain I keep wanting to draw, and keep attempting to draw, but am scared to finish my one really good sketch of it. I guess I'm just scared of success in general. This is "normal" for alkies, or so I keep hearing others at meetings have that feeling. Maybe I'll finish it one day. Maybe I'll just try to capture the view in my head and use it as my little happy place while meditating, I'm not really sure. I feel lost for water, especially since they emptied the local reservoir where I sometimes do my walk and think. At any rate, I did get to work out afterwards, which is one of my favorite places to be, so I'm glad for that.

After all my ellipticizing, I was craving Mexican food, so I called my Valley friend and went to dinner out there. It was just what I needed...good guacamole, good energy, good conversation. I know I was trying to escape being alone tonight -- not because I don't love being by myself, because actually, most of the time it's just what I need. No, it was because I was thinking too much of how life used to be seven years ago. How I was just about to enter something sweet and life-changeable, and how after that, I was about to drive four hours to meet a friend that would just four years later walk out of my life. Parts of me yearn for the days before, but a greater part of me is so grateful for the experience that I've had, and the survival tactics I have learned. After all, they make me who I am. Still, it's no fun when those yearning thoughts sneak out into the dark apartment I share with myself and taunt me. My fire sign wants to burn them or me or possibly both alive. And while that might be fun, I don't think I need to go there right now. So that's why I'm glad for my Aquarian friends that came out of the woodwork on cue today, as if they knew what I needed, and were there to be there for me.

Drawing Class

When I went to drawing class tonight, I was alive again. It was a gorgeous day, I paid my parking ticket on time before going to class, and I had all my supplies ready to go. I saw my instructor and he was stoked I was taking his class again. Anyway, we went into the class, he spoke for a bit, and then he suggested we introduce ourselves. Not hard, right? Well, the guy on the left of me started..."Hey, I'm Steve" and I automatically went "Hi, Steve," like we do at meetings! DOH! Oh well...guess those meeting habits die hard.

the sponsor

On Monday, a few miracles happened. I know, you're probably rolling your eyes, but srsly. They did, and as a result of a meeting being cancelled. (Who does that, anyway? Cancelling a meeting for AA?? But I digress. Back to the story...) So our usual forty-plus meeting was whittled down to just oh, eight brave people who didn't mind sitting on the sidewalk of the boulevard and baring their alcoholic souls so that people might overhear. And it was a great meeting. An open, honest share from a girl whose story sounded just like mine -- family and herself perfect on the outside, high-functioning, but falling apart and being self-destructive on the inside.

Then, I saw this woman next to me, who I could have sworn I knew from somewhere. As she began talking about missing her old crew in another county, I knew who she was. The black hair, the colorful tattoo and the Coach purse were all clues and she confirmed who she was when she opened her mouth. It was a woman I had known and absolutely admired back when I was first in the program, about a year and a half ago. See, I started going to meetings in November of '06, and quit in April of '07. It just didn't click for me. Anyway, this woman, who I will call "Julie", starts in on her old crew and how she just doesn't feel a part of the crew up here, and she's not connecting. (This can be very dangerous for the alcoholic. Most alcoholics are, after all, co-dependent.) And then I make the connection of who she is, and I can barely sit still through the rest of the meeting. Finally, after everyone shares, a rarity in the typical AA meeting and no doubt a sign of both how small we were in numbers but how large we were in need of the meeting, we closed. I went up to her, asked her if she used to go to this club and she recognized me right away! I saw in her eyes this warmth, a connection and happiness, and we exchanged numbers.

Yesterday she called me, reminding me of this great women's meeting today. I texted her back that I was pretty sure I would go, but not a hundred percent sure. Today I called and asked her where it was, and assured her I would be there. I was late, unfortunately, to the meeting, but I still made it to hear the speaker speak, sharing time and for snacks. (It sounds like kindergarten, doesn't it?) Julie wasn't there yet. I got my fourth newcomer chip in the past nine days, which I was reluctant in picking up, but proudly put it on my purse with the key chain that comes with it. Julie came in afterwards, and told the leader I would lead the group in the Serenity Prayer for closing, which has saved my life and sobriety in the past nine days. Afterwards, I helped her carry out the literature box, and she gave me the Daily Meditation book to read. Then, I popped the question...will you be my sponsor? And this woman, that I wanted so desperately to be my sponsor last year at the other club but we never really connected, said yes! I am floored and so excited to have her be my official lifeline, but I am really grateful for everyone I have met. Especially the other miracle from Monday -- my blog partner-in-crime up in the bay area who keeps sending me words of support. Such an inspiration, and so nice to know we're out here writing about this.

Anyway, from these kind folks I get at least three texts or two calls a day, which helps so much, and in return, I send out three or five texts or calls or emails. Together, we are fighting this disease and succeeding. It's funny, Kanye West writes, "I'm trying to write my wrongs, but it's funny how these wrongs helped write this song." This is so true of this program. Yeah, we have all made mistakes but those mistakes are what got us here, and those mistakes are what are helping us write these songs of friendship and strength, not to mention blog entries that might help someone who is lost or curious about getting sober. Thanks for letting me share.

And so it begins...

I went to bed last night, puzzled as how to start this new world that I'm creating. Then somehow through my dreams, I got the message that all I have to do is start it, and stop making excuses of having writer's block. So here I am.

Welcome to my road of recovery. I have been sober from alcohol for 9 days at the end of today, which will be in about, 14 hours. I was lead to recovery through real friends who were using the words "self-destructive" and "full of apologies but not action" to describe me. When I heard those words, I knew I had to change something, so I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. In fact, the day I heard those words at 10am, I went to a noon meeting in Hollywood, where I saw a couple of familiar faces, faces that have been on television or movies, faces that I will respect and not reveal, but faces that are inspirational to me. I mean, they have it all. Money, adoring fans, cars I will never be able to afford, and this destructive disease.

I have to admit, when I first walked into the doors of the club, I was unsure if I really wanted to stop drinking. I told my friends and my family and even myself after the meeting that I was just "doing this to keep myself in check". I didn't want to admit I had a problem. But I found after my second meeting, along with reading some of Dr. Drew's wise words, that I do have a powerlessness over alcohol, and that I cannot have any of it. It eats me alive and turns me into a self-destructive, unlovable, snarky and mean human being. I don't deserve that.

Luckily I'm here to admit that, and to help people feel like they're not alone. Because they aren't. At the very least, I am here for them. This blog will be available to read and comment on, and it will be a tale of my recovery and my sobriety. I hope you like it, but even if you don't, well, my name is Mireya and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me share.