oh, here I am!

I haven't written in a while -- I always start blogs that way, but I know it's better to just get the truth out there. I've been busy -- watching my first class of 5th graders graduate, letting them go into the wild world of middle school with a lavish ceremony and amazingly fun activities, escaping from the negativity by taking in some movies and escaping through new methods of sleeping and exploring, pouring myself into the two things that have kept me motivated this year -- AA and work. These two things have kept me motivated because they keep me connected. I'm so grateful I have a job where I'm connected to people, because I think it's helped me most when I'm in a dark place, but it's never fun to cut the cord, even though I felt so proud. I didn't get too much time to mourn, whine, bitch OR complain though, because I received a new patch of pumpkin seeds to grow just three days later. They're different, and don't yet feel like "my" class, but they're special nonetheless and I think I"ll help them out in some way or another.

Today I'm going to my parents' house to celebrate Independence Day. My parents don't really celebrate holidays, and they sometimes have a tendency to not make me feel independent at all, which is their job, I guess. I don't really know why I'm going down there, but I guess a lack of other plans propelled me to go get some TLC from my mom and puppies. My dad can give it too, if he feels like it, but I'm not expecting much. We're not barbecuing, but I will get to see a gorgeous fireworks display without leaving my front door, and will be closer to the ocean, which will feel like a vacation without having one, I suppose.

The bad news? The meetings in the OC are awful. I feel like I'm on an episode of television, and do not feel connected at all. I will have to call lotsa people today to feel like I'm a part of this world. Otherwise, I may disconnect further, which just makes me feel like crap. Sigh. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, and my weapons include my journal, my books, my laptop and my work. OH, and don't forget the caffeine. At least that doesn't turn me into a weirdo, freaked out self-conscious monster like the booze used to. And prayer. I don't think I'm really religious, but I do feel a spirituality exist inside of me. My higher power is to be described further in a later blog entry, but it's a good one. Much better than undependable people who change like the wind.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got for now. I feel good, and even though I might not all day today, I'm going to fake it til I make it. :) And I will make it. I know I will. Thanks for letting me share.