well maybe not Triumphant but here nonetheless...
A Dim Time
So I never came back to finish the story. I guess I was just too fearful of sounding whiny and too cautious of living in the past. But basically, work put me in a horrible position -- walk and get respect from peers but possible disapproval from the man who arranges my check to be sent to me, or not walk and lose respect from peers but gain approval from my principal. It was a rough place to be, pressure from all sides, but I faced it head on. I simply went up to the principal and said, "Look, if I don't walk, I lose their respect. If I do walk, I might lose my job." He looked at me and said "You're going to be okay. Do what you need to do." I thought to myself, I already did. I faced my fear, and got the answer that I needed from doing so. I walked and it was good. I still feel like I'm not sure about the union's bullying tactics, but I'm not in charge there.
I also have been going through losses. They're called transitions, but whatever it is, it hurts. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for realizing I have the self-respect to deserve better. But on the other, I have been orbiting some of these people for *so* long, I can't imagine what it will be like without them. I think I might cry a lot less from being hurt by them in the long run, but right now it makes me cry most. The support system I've known is just being chipped away at, and I know that it'll make me stronger and that I'm going to be getting some great people in my life and blahblahblah, but that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel like love is constantly being given by me, and not much is coming back in right now. And I'm feeling all of this. I'm not running away or trying to orbit around anything else...just being driven by my feelings. Hanging tough like the New Kids but feeling every ounce.
The Bright Side...
Through all this, I've made it to 70 days. My friend made me realize that the other night. Through a death, through job loss possibilities, through a Lakers' loss, through family issues, through vacation, through feeling welcome and feeling ostracized, through feeling great and feeling like I was being ripped to shreds, I have made it. In the words of Stark Raving Brad, I win. I'm going to bed sober.
Good night and thanks for letting me share....
I am sitting here trying to write you a profound, witty, pithy comment that says I am proud of you, proud to be your friend and impressed with the guts it took for you to go to your principle, a man you respect, to face your fear. Unfortunately, my dad is loudly cursing out his computer and our house's wireless connection directly behind me and I find myself to be a bit distracted. So rather than a witty comment you get a direct, You Go Girl!! Yeah, I know, generic. However the sentiment is genuine. You are past 70 days, your days have been hellish and you are still sober. I love you.
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