My Triumphant Return to Blogland

well maybe not Triumphant but here nonetheless...

A Dim Time

So I never came back to finish the story. I guess I was just too fearful of sounding whiny and too cautious of living in the past. But basically, work put me in a horrible position -- walk and get respect from peers but possible disapproval from the man who arranges my check to be sent to me, or not walk and lose respect from peers but gain approval from my principal. It was a rough place to be, pressure from all sides, but I faced it head on. I simply went up to the principal and said, "Look, if I don't walk, I lose their respect. If I do walk, I might lose my job." He looked at me and said "You're going to be okay. Do what you need to do." I thought to myself, I already did. I faced my fear, and got the answer that I needed from doing so. I walked and it was good. I still feel like I'm not sure about the union's bullying tactics, but I'm not in charge there.

I also have been going through losses. They're called transitions, but whatever it is, it hurts. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself for realizing I have the self-respect to deserve better. But on the other, I have been orbiting some of these people for *so* long, I can't imagine what it will be like without them. I think I might cry a lot less from being hurt by them in the long run, but right now it makes me cry most. The support system I've known is just being chipped away at, and I know that it'll make me stronger and that I'm going to be getting some great people in my life and blahblahblah, but that doesn't make it any easier. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel like love is constantly being given by me, and not much is coming back in right now. And I'm feeling all of this. I'm not running away or trying to orbit around anything else...just being driven by my feelings. Hanging tough like the New Kids but feeling every ounce.

The Bright Side...

Through all this, I've made it to 70 days. My friend made me realize that the other night. Through a death, through job loss possibilities, through a Lakers' loss, through family issues, through vacation, through feeling welcome and feeling ostracized, through feeling great and feeling like I was being ripped to shreds, I have made it. In the words of Stark Raving Brad, I win. I'm going to bed sober.

Good night and thanks for letting me share....

The Week Leading Up to my 60th Day...Part 1

Wow. What a week. It started off okay, I guess. Last Saturday I went to an incredible bbq at the last minute, and was surrounded by alcohol. While the tequila looked refreshing, I'm sure it would have left me with that "not-so-fresh" feeling in my mind and soul had I taken any. Without it, I felt like I was truly genuinely happy, and that's a feeling I love. Sometimes it feels so good, I get drunk off of that feeling, and I'm always jonesing for it now. I think the good meeting I attended Saturday morning helped, but it was kinda a weird vibe at the same time. I heard what I needed to hear though -- a thoughtful reminder that if I have peace in myself, I will stay calm no matter what. Oh, and not to drink. ;)

Anyway, Sunday took a turn for the not so great, with a fight with my mom over the pressure of my dad's attendance at a memorial service overcoming our conversation. We didn't speak again til Tuesday, which for anyone else is not that long of a time, but for us, well it just is. We at least say hi everyday, so that hit me hard. Luckily I was able to turn to my oldest half-sister, who really made me see it from a different perspective. Nonetheless, it being my first fight with my mom while sober, I especially took it to heart. I sucked it up for dinner on Sunday, which was nice but not the best Malo's experience, aside from the company. It makes me feel good to hang out with people who enjoy and express their happiness.

Monday was a hard, hard day at work. Parents make me sick sometimes, and the fact that right and left, people are allowed to have children without emotionally helping them grow just puts a pit in my stomach. The children deserve better than that, and furthermore, if we're putting them in this already messed-up world, we better teach them improved ways to constructively add to this world instead of teaching them anger and hate. Anyway...without going too much into that, I was angry and terrified all at the same time, both of which are emotions that just shock me into crying. Luckily, I had a meeting to turn to, which all of a sudden had three teachers in it once I shared. Amazing. Just what I needed. I got more than a few touching words after the meeting and felt all was right with the world.

Tuesday was okay -- my kids are itching to leave me, which is great but sad at the same time. I think I'll always treasure them. As a result of getting ready to leave my nest at school, they kinda turn into little asshole birds sometimes, pooping all over me. But at the end of the day, there's still a few willing to preen my feathers. However, the pressure to participate in Friday's walkout was starting to mount. And little did I know this was just the beginning...