Partial recovery of Thursday Night

So last night I wrote this beautiful blog, super poetic and nice and pretty. But then the cyberspace gods were like, nope. We're not saving right now, even though we're going to say we're saving it. So I lost it. And now, I've kinda partially recovered it, but some words I guess weren't meant for public consumption, so they wouldn't come back.
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Fire balances Water

Today I worked all day, with the second grade. I don't think I like them too much -- they're too much like me, co-dependent and never sure of themselves, and when they need something, they whine. After a good talk with my MFT (Mentor/Friend/Therapist), I went to the gym. Before I went in, I sat by this fountain that I adore. There's always been something very calm to me about water. I guess it's my fire sign wanting and needing that balance. And it's hard now, living in the dead center of the universe, living so far from the ocean. I miss it in times like these, because it's kept me calm through a lot of things. But I seek and enjoy it in small doses like in that fountain. It's a fountain I keep wanting to draw, and keep attempting to draw, but am scared to finish my one really good sketch of it. I guess I'm just scared of success in general. This is "normal" for alkies, or so I keep hearing others at meetings have that feeling. Maybe I'll finish it one day. Maybe I'll just try to capture the view in my head and use it as my little happy place while meditating, I'm not really sure. I feel lost for water, especially since they emptied the local reservoir where I sometimes do my walk and think. At any rate, I did get to work out afterwards, which is one of my favorite places to be, so I'm glad for that.

After all my ellipticizing, I was craving Mexican food, so I called my Valley friend and went to dinner out there. It was just what I needed...good guacamole, good energy, good conversation. I know I was trying to escape being alone tonight -- not because I don't love being by myself, because actually, most of the time it's just what I need. No, it was because I was thinking too much of how life used to be seven years ago. How I was just about to enter something sweet and life-changeable, and how after that, I was about to drive four hours to meet a friend that would just four years later walk out of my life. Parts of me yearn for the days before, but a greater part of me is so grateful for the experience that I've had, and the survival tactics I have learned. After all, they make me who I am. Still, it's no fun when those yearning thoughts sneak out into the dark apartment I share with myself and taunt me. My fire sign wants to burn them or me or possibly both alive. And while that might be fun, I don't think I need to go there right now. So that's why I'm glad for my Aquarian friends that came out of the woodwork on cue today, as if they knew what I needed, and were there to be there for me.