Day 21 - New and Improved

A nap started off my new Day 21. I finally gave in and stopped the pity party after my last blog. The voices just started in on me when I went to take a nap. The same ones that used to drill scary thoughts into my head -- thoughts I'd never actually pursue because A. I'm too vain and B. I'm not that selfish. Anyway, they started creeping back in, and I said, "No, it's not my fault. These bad things are not happening to me because I am full of fail. They're happening because life happens." I only recently had that voice come out. Like only 21 days ago. It's gaining strength. And you know, before I knew it, I woke up with drool all over my left hand and twenty minutes of sleep under my belt.

I made my frozen mac and cheese (hey, not healthy but what I had in the freezer. We'll re-focus on nutrition around Thursday...) and watched a second of"Millionaire" and TMZ. I left for the meeting, early but ready. Immediately I was intrigued by NPR and this story on Wesley Snipes. Poor guy. I'm glad I'm not him, as I'm sure many are. It was interesting though...they interviewed both sides of the situation. I got there too early, and went to the room. It was locked, no one there. I freaked out. Great, no meeting? I thought...how am I going to make it? So I went to the car, took some deep breaths, thought Oh, I can get home and be productive...but I'll wait til 7:30 just to make sure. Lo and behold, my knights and ladies in shining armor came to rescue me. Only their armor was the Big Book, poker chips and intimacy.

At any rate, my new bff was the speaker. He turned four years old last week in AA years, the same meeting that I turned 14 days at. He was so welcoming last week, and this week as well. I was still anxious and not okay until they said the usual "So not to embarass you but so that we may get to know you better..."speech asking newcomers to identify themselves. Then I got to raise my hand and say the usual, Mireya, alcoholic, 21 days. And he asked me to read the 12 steps again. I was still not feeling the meeting until halfway through step 3. Then thanks to the candlelight and the comfort of the words, I felt ahhhhh. Ecstasy, relaxation, calmness and serenity. I felt like I could breathe again.

Daniel spoke and said some amazing things that I'll have to write at a later time. Mostly what struck me were his eloquent words and his portrayal of how he finds peace in the big book sometimes. Which is what I read when I was feeling so miserable earlier, before my nap. Hearing the shares made me feel...I don't know. Magically connected and anchored down again. Not sad and wallowing, even though some things I heard were sad, but a serenity in feeling like, oh right. I'm not the only one. But mostly I felt so connected to were hearing about the voices in the heads of normal people around me. Disproving, of course, that I am not broken, nor was I ever. I just suffer from a disease. Strange how comforting that is. The fact I feel connected to people because of a disease.

Anyhow, after the meeting, we broke. And a lovely girl came up to me and told me she knew just how crap I felt and how much patience it takes to work with kids. That too was comforting. But not as comforting as my next little tidbit...as we were walking out, she said, "OOOH PUPPY!" And I saw this woman walk by with a gorgeous wrinkly faced little brindle colored guy, not more than 8 weeks old. I melted right there into a puddle. And then we were petting him, and SHE LET ME HOLD HIM, and informed me that they were looking for a home for it, that he was a gift. I thought about it...remembered the strict No Pets policy and nearly cried, but realized on the way home that he's a mutt, one that could grow, as my friend says, OMG HUGE. I think the universe might bring me a better match in August. Anyway, that was my New and Improved Day 21, so thanks for letting me share.