Baby steps...

so life has been crazy, at least this week. Monday I was way overwhelmed and just plain in need of a meeting. Tuesday, I spent the day at a great Teaching Writing Seminar, and felt re-juvenated as a teacher. But then last night I was stressed about the BTSA thing (that beginning teacher support thing) that I have to turn part 2 of 2 in ASAP. I cannot work on it at home -- I get too distracted online. That's what happens when you have great friends online and offline ... or when I'm just online. I think I just love procrastination, actually. Because as I see this little kid studying frantically not far from me, probably for a test tomorrow, I totally relate. I was that kid, never getting how to finish an essay or project early, never studying at all in school.

Since I started the program though, I noticed something. Yeah I still totally procrastinate. I have to have this thing in by 3pm tomorrow and I'm writing a blog, for pete's sake. But I *want* to do better right now. I am figuring out that I should do the individual events ahead of time, and then this wouldn't have been such a pain in my ass. I would've been able to play hours of GTA4 last night, which I'm determined to figure out. That's what I'm going to do ... and strangely, I just heard this dad of this kid say the same thing to his son..."Don't put things off, just get things over with..."I smile to myself and tell myself the same thing. The thing about AA, it's a program of action. Today I did that in my personal life by calling my oldest sister, instead of just thinking I should call her. We had a fantastic talk, me in my car, hustling down the freeway to the parents', where they still live in the 20th century with dial-up, which I have no patience for. And will therefore, be the greatest thing tonight when I get home to their house and have to do hours of work. We talked about our family, how we understand it and love the people in it, but that from the outside it wouldn't make sense at all. I love those talks. I'm grateful for that, and I'm impressed with myself for getting the bulk of this horrid paper done before 4pm. Baby steps. Every little thing matters.

I'm grateful but I'm also kinda suspicious that the boy behind the counter heard caffeinated and not decaf tonight. I have a feeling that I might be grateful for that before too long -- I might be able to finish this thing before too long yet. I hope. If not, at least I'm going to go back to doing work. Really. I am. :) Thanks for letting me share...and have a great night!

Day 21 - New and Improved

A nap started off my new Day 21. I finally gave in and stopped the pity party after my last blog. The voices just started in on me when I went to take a nap. The same ones that used to drill scary thoughts into my head -- thoughts I'd never actually pursue because A. I'm too vain and B. I'm not that selfish. Anyway, they started creeping back in, and I said, "No, it's not my fault. These bad things are not happening to me because I am full of fail. They're happening because life happens." I only recently had that voice come out. Like only 21 days ago. It's gaining strength. And you know, before I knew it, I woke up with drool all over my left hand and twenty minutes of sleep under my belt.

I made my frozen mac and cheese (hey, not healthy but what I had in the freezer. We'll re-focus on nutrition around Thursday...) and watched a second of"Millionaire" and TMZ. I left for the meeting, early but ready. Immediately I was intrigued by NPR and this story on Wesley Snipes. Poor guy. I'm glad I'm not him, as I'm sure many are. It was interesting though...they interviewed both sides of the situation. I got there too early, and went to the room. It was locked, no one there. I freaked out. Great, no meeting? I thought...how am I going to make it? So I went to the car, took some deep breaths, thought Oh, I can get home and be productive...but I'll wait til 7:30 just to make sure. Lo and behold, my knights and ladies in shining armor came to rescue me. Only their armor was the Big Book, poker chips and intimacy.

At any rate, my new bff was the speaker. He turned four years old last week in AA years, the same meeting that I turned 14 days at. He was so welcoming last week, and this week as well. I was still anxious and not okay until they said the usual "So not to embarass you but so that we may get to know you better..."speech asking newcomers to identify themselves. Then I got to raise my hand and say the usual, Mireya, alcoholic, 21 days. And he asked me to read the 12 steps again. I was still not feeling the meeting until halfway through step 3. Then thanks to the candlelight and the comfort of the words, I felt ahhhhh. Ecstasy, relaxation, calmness and serenity. I felt like I could breathe again.

Daniel spoke and said some amazing things that I'll have to write at a later time. Mostly what struck me were his eloquent words and his portrayal of how he finds peace in the big book sometimes. Which is what I read when I was feeling so miserable earlier, before my nap. Hearing the shares made me feel...I don't know. Magically connected and anchored down again. Not sad and wallowing, even though some things I heard were sad, but a serenity in feeling like, oh right. I'm not the only one. But mostly I felt so connected to were hearing about the voices in the heads of normal people around me. Disproving, of course, that I am not broken, nor was I ever. I just suffer from a disease. Strange how comforting that is. The fact I feel connected to people because of a disease.

Anyhow, after the meeting, we broke. And a lovely girl came up to me and told me she knew just how crap I felt and how much patience it takes to work with kids. That too was comforting. But not as comforting as my next little tidbit...as we were walking out, she said, "OOOH PUPPY!" And I saw this woman walk by with a gorgeous wrinkly faced little brindle colored guy, not more than 8 weeks old. I melted right there into a puddle. And then we were petting him, and SHE LET ME HOLD HIM, and informed me that they were looking for a home for it, that he was a gift. I thought about it...remembered the strict No Pets policy and nearly cried, but realized on the way home that he's a mutt, one that could grow, as my friend says, OMG HUGE. I think the universe might bring me a better match in August. Anyway, that was my New and Improved Day 21, so thanks for letting me share.

Day 21

I had a rough day today. Not enough sleep last night, too much funny comedy on the web to keep me up. Exhausting weekend, but super fun and sober. Today I had committed myself to substituting for a 2nd/3rd Grade Combo Class. It wasn't that great, to be honest. They were very talkative, feeling listless because of the insane heat and not very powerful but very noisy air conditioner, and I was cranky as all hell.

After school, I met with my supporting beginning teaching program advisor, and it went well. I was able to convince her I've done a lot of work, which I have, but got several assignments to complete. All before Wednesday, and I have a "Teaching Writing Conference" and meetings to attend between now and 7:30 Wednesday morning. I could have done more work, but I haven't, and I guess I sadly accept that.

Then I came home, and was hip hopping around on cyberspace. I did something totally out of taste, even if it was intended for another target, and then just crumbled. I just started self-pitying it up, letting those voices take over and beat myself up for a few minutes. I even shed some teensy little tears and somewhere in the back of my mind thought of the wine tasting going on close by. But then I took some deep breaths. Calmed myself down. Drank some water, and read some Big Book. I tried to turn the energy around, congratulating others on their accomplishments and trying to be grateful for something. Anything. But it isn't working. I think maybe I've found the angry part of recovery. But it isn't going to take me back there.

Let it be

Something I've been working on this week is "Acceptance". There's this great passage that says, "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."I can't tell you how this has opened my eyes this week. It's not an easy task, but I have to remember that I can't control other people and their actions. For example, today I'm trying desperately to work on some of that "supportive program for teachers" work, and my upstairs neighbors are very enthusiastic about the futbol game. I have no issue with excitement and enthusiasm over sports, anyone who has watched a Lakers, Dodgers or football game with me knows this. But to hear "Chivaaaaas, muy bien!" and "Viva las Chivas" and screams and drunken laughs interrupt my thought patterns while examining the behavioral issues of my 5th graders, well that's just frustrating. Can I change this? I can get frustrated and yell back, but that won't change their behavior. So I have no choice but to accept it. In fact, I'm even smiling at their enthusiasm, as I imagine that's what it sounds like when LT scores his touchdown or Kobe hits his 49th point of the night. And, hey, at least it's not violent screams or angry footsteps I hear but sounds of excitement.

Similarly, I have no choice but to accept that sometimes, people won't like me. Sometimes people need a break from me. And even though it hurts, and even though I don't understand it sometimes, I need to let it go. Because if I force it and push it, I won't be liked more, nor will I improve the friendship. But if I let go and accept whatever it is the universe is trying to do with this friendship, it'll work out on its own. By pushing it and pulling into my way, I won't do anything but grow resentments and distrust. Maybe in a few months I won't care that this person doesn't want my friendship, or maybe the universe will make it so that we're the best friends in the world. I don't really know, but then it's not my job to do so. My job is to accept things the way they are put in front of me. To, as John Lennon and Paul Mc Cartney wrote.."Speaking words of wisdom, Let it Be". And that job is very liberating. Thanks for letting me share. And the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway or you can't figure out why that person won't call, let this be your inspiration....

Let It Be, Lennon-McCartney

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

"To look backward for a while..."

Today I woke up feeling sorry for myself, as you could probably tell from my previous post. It's funny how those feelings didn't seem to surface when I was drinking until I was drowning in them. But today it's just starting off slowly. I read the chapter "Women Suffer Too" this morning, about a woman who comes to when she's in someone's apartment and doesn't remember how she got there, considering it was in "the remote parts of Brooklyn...it took me forty-five minutes and two subway changes to get back". It took me back to a time, actually, several times, where I would get so drunk and have no idea the danger I was putting myself in.

There was that one time, before I moved to LA, when my best friend from childhood defended a total stranger over something obnoxious that I said, and I took off walking down Cahuenga Blvd. Her personal trainer friend had to walk with me for many blocks before I would even consider calming down. I didn't go back to her party, I preferred to sleep in my car.

There was the other time, at a Rilo Kiley concert, when I said something totally offensive to my friend and felt so bad and felt like she was so mad at me that I left the concert as RK was taking the stage...and slept in my car. At the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium.

Oh, and one time, I was so mad at my then-boyfriend at our first Halloween for flirting with another girl that I slapped him, we both got kicked out of the bar, and I ended up looking for him for hours downtown Santa Cruz amongst festivities, and then walked home by myself in a flapper costume.

Most recently, I gave lap dances to my friends at a birthday party (which were pretty good, I might add), and then got offended when they were concerned about how I was getting home. So of course, I take off down Magnolia Blvd. In North Hollywood. By myself. On my way to, you guessed it, sleep in my car. Thankfully, I ran into my other group of friends who convinced me to go home with them and return to my car about 7 short hours later.

So. Much. Glory. I had fun, don't get me wrong. But writing about this now and looking back at it, I feel a lot of pain, but I also feel really relieved. Relieved that nothing happened to me, but saddened by my actions a lot of the time. Then I realize, you know, I was drinking because of this or because of that, because I didn't feel loved or because I was stressed about my job. There is always a reason. But those reasons don't hold water compared to the actions that come out of them. Strangely enough, looking back this morning has made me feel better. Better because what I have now, even if it's a ton of overwhelming work from the state to complete my credential, is way better than that headache and feeling of trying to figure out what happened last night. Or those false friendships I would form in the bar, or figuring out who I offended and what I said. Now I remember who I am, and even though this path might be very difficult, it might be worth it, because I can feel again.

i just don't know about this.

When I woke up this morning..I felt like this...

So it's been a week. My blog is happy, and I like writing in it. However, falling into line with being an alcoholic, I am also very self-centered. Of course I'm comforted by the fact that everyone that attends my meetings always says the same thing, "It's all about me...", "I'm selfish", "Me me me me me". It's quite common for alcoholics to have some degree of narcissim about themselves. That's why we drink, obviously. We don't drink to entertain others, we drink to make ourselves happy. I suppose that's what I should be doing with my writing. I should be using it as my alcohol, to be writing to make myself happy, not to entertain others. But at the same time, with but one comment and zero voters in my poll, I just feel like I'm talking to a wall right now. Maybe it's just the funk I crawled into at the end of last night, maybe it's just hormones, maybe it's the overwhelming stress my teaching "support" program is putting on my shoulders. At any rate, it's really frustrating. I guess I just want to know if anyone is out there.

Meh. I think I should go read the chapter on Self-Pity now. I just don't know.

Happy One Week Birthday to my lil' Blog, and happy sixteen days of sobriety to me!! Every day counts...

The Dream

So when I woke up yesterday, I realized I'd had a very troubling dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant with triplets. My water broke and I went into labor, with only my mom there to support me. My body is somewhat reluctant to finish going into labor even though everything was going as normal, according to the doctor in my dream whose face I didn't see but swear s/he was there, and they convinced me to somehow have a natural birth for triplets. Anyway, I deliver three healthy babies and begin contemplating whether I should give them up for adoption or not. The moment I start thinking about giving them up, my good and strong friend comes in with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. He walks in, gingerly holds one of the triplets and looks at me with his puppy-dog eyes and says, sweetly but forcefully,"You canNOT give this up." He hands me back the little one and leaves. I woke up, puzzled and totally amazed at the same time. After explaining my dream to my other friend, he urged me to look it up online. Actually, he sent me the link about pregnancy, which states that pregnancy resembles a new concept or a new idea that you want to pursue. Then I looked up triplets, which states, "You must examine a concept or new idea and evaluate its worth physically, emotionally and spiritually." *Plays Twilight Zone in head* I thought that was intriguing, and well-worth a blog entry, because it's true. Sobriety seems easy, but I'm not going to make it without the support of my friends, and I do need to consider all aspects of it. It may not always be easy, but it will all be worth it.

From Breathing to Sunshine

I had a great night out karaoke-ing with my friends. Oh yes, NKOTB was performed along with the dance in 4-inch heels. And no ankles or necks were broken. SWEET! So. Much. Fun!

Anyway, on my way home, Sia's song "Breathe Me" came on. I don't know if you're familiar with it, but the lyrics say..

Be my friend,
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I was instantly taken back to about a dozen days ago. I was singing that about every five minutes, wanting someone to coddle me and indulge in my self-pity. I didn't have what I thought were good friends because they weren't buying into it. Since I have gotten sober though, I say THANKFULLY they didn't buy into it. No one needs a needy person. I guess I didn't realize that because I didn't believe in myself, no one else could either. Instead of attracting people with my sad sad soul, I was turning them away from me. I was encouraging them to run away instead of hold me.

But now, I feel absolutely loved. And I think that might be because I love who I have become since starting this program. I'm not saying it's always going to be great, because it probably won't. Right now, though, I have a deep lust for life that is slowly turning into a love for my life. I feel like I'm constantly been glowing in a post-coital fashion, even though no coitus has been occurring. I feel like I'm actually alive and witnessing the great parts of life. And I think that's where I realize that sometimes, you do need to have a good rain storm to have a beautiful rainbow. But I never want a storm as bad as that one ever again. So I'll stay away from the rain clouds that come to me in the form of bottles and focus on bringing sunshine into my life. Maybe I've had too many Red Bulls late in the evening, but that's what I feel like right now. I feel like the song "You Are My Sunshine" is way closer to how I feel now.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you...

Thank you to my friends, who are beautiful souls that bring my sunshine to the surface, and thank you to the program, that's encouraging me to look for the sunshine instead of dwell on the rain. I love you both from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for letting me share.

The Engine Makes it Go

The speaker Friday night was incredible. And very much well-received, at least by me. See, I worked in 2nd grade again today, which went great until lunchtime, and then it was like I took a grouch pill at lunch. I think it might have just been sheer exhaustion, which definitely means I'll have to get more than 5 hours of sleep a night when I go back to my babies, my fifth graders. I digress. My Friday afternoon felt a lack of enthusiasm towards recovery and towards life in general once I left school. Might have had something to do with the daily convo with mom, who has the answers to everything, or it might have had to do with the sad news that my favorite school secretary in the world might lose her first grandchild to an obscure disease. I hate having to see people I love and cherish go through the hard times. I'm not sure, but for some reason I was really on edge this afternoon and just feeling bleh about daily life. Not sobriety, but the part we call life. I didn't think for once to drink. I just felt like I would hate anyone I would meet, (even if it were Picasso or Tori Amos or the guy who came up with the recipes for Porto's cakes) for those couple of hours. And I actually became the snarky monster I used to become when I drank. So I gave in and passed out in a gentle afternoon-nap-type-way on my couch. It was perfect, and I woke up in a happy Snow White glow, with the birds chirping and little bunnies gather 'round my feet. Okay, so there were no bunnies but I was loving life once again. A nice feeling. I looked at http://www.ihasahotdog.com and some LOL cats pictures, which totally revved me up, and then I went to the meeting.

I was late, or rather, just in time to have to stand next to the trashcan. I wasn't even annoyed by that though -- I got there just in time to do the whole newcomer thing, where a lovely sober alki came over and brought me to a seat next to her. Finding a seat in this ginormous meeting is a bit like finding a ten dollar bill in a dollar store. The people I found there were like finding a hundred dollar bill. And I got to see someone take a cake for like, 14 years, and talk about how it's changed their life, being in this program. It made me so unbelievably high.

Then the speaker. This guy was electric. One of the first things he talked about was how he's seen it in every meeting, the people who have had such a hard time sobering up and then get sober for five months or five years and still stand outside and say "I have a problem with the whole God thing." He then compared it to going down the 405 at 80mph and turning to your passenger and saying, "You know, I have a problem with this whole engine thing." And I think he's right. I mean, far be it from me to become a Jesus Freak, because I've been screwed by, judged by and crucifed by organized religion. And I've seen organized religion used in politics to just make a mockery of a guy who seemed like a pretty good guy. But there has to be someone or something out there that knows more of the answers than I do, because my answer was always a bottle of champagne or red wine or vodka. And something made me change my mind. So there has to be something there, you know?

He went on, completely cracking me up through his words, and then within seconds, putting tears in my eyes. His words were radiating with enthusiasm for sobriety. And later, as I found out when I thanked him, his entire manner was that way. I'll probably be writing more about him as I let his words marinate and permeate my thoughts, but I was just entirely grateful for this man. It's true, someone said this the other day, another speaker..."since I can't find "God", I might as well look for his stash. And his stash is in the good people in the world." And they make me high.

Partial recovery of Thursday Night

So last night I wrote this beautiful blog, super poetic and nice and pretty. But then the cyberspace gods were like, nope. We're not saving right now, even though we're going to say we're saving it. So I lost it. And now, I've kinda partially recovered it, but some words I guess weren't meant for public consumption, so they wouldn't come back.
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Fire balances Water

Today I worked all day, with the second grade. I don't think I like them too much -- they're too much like me, co-dependent and never sure of themselves, and when they need something, they whine. After a good talk with my MFT (Mentor/Friend/Therapist), I went to the gym. Before I went in, I sat by this fountain that I adore. There's always been something very calm to me about water. I guess it's my fire sign wanting and needing that balance. And it's hard now, living in the dead center of the universe, living so far from the ocean. I miss it in times like these, because it's kept me calm through a lot of things. But I seek and enjoy it in small doses like in that fountain. It's a fountain I keep wanting to draw, and keep attempting to draw, but am scared to finish my one really good sketch of it. I guess I'm just scared of success in general. This is "normal" for alkies, or so I keep hearing others at meetings have that feeling. Maybe I'll finish it one day. Maybe I'll just try to capture the view in my head and use it as my little happy place while meditating, I'm not really sure. I feel lost for water, especially since they emptied the local reservoir where I sometimes do my walk and think. At any rate, I did get to work out afterwards, which is one of my favorite places to be, so I'm glad for that.

After all my ellipticizing, I was craving Mexican food, so I called my Valley friend and went to dinner out there. It was just what I needed...good guacamole, good energy, good conversation. I know I was trying to escape being alone tonight -- not because I don't love being by myself, because actually, most of the time it's just what I need. No, it was because I was thinking too much of how life used to be seven years ago. How I was just about to enter something sweet and life-changeable, and how after that, I was about to drive four hours to meet a friend that would just four years later walk out of my life. Parts of me yearn for the days before, but a greater part of me is so grateful for the experience that I've had, and the survival tactics I have learned. After all, they make me who I am. Still, it's no fun when those yearning thoughts sneak out into the dark apartment I share with myself and taunt me. My fire sign wants to burn them or me or possibly both alive. And while that might be fun, I don't think I need to go there right now. So that's why I'm glad for my Aquarian friends that came out of the woodwork on cue today, as if they knew what I needed, and were there to be there for me.

Drawing Class

When I went to drawing class tonight, I was alive again. It was a gorgeous day, I paid my parking ticket on time before going to class, and I had all my supplies ready to go. I saw my instructor and he was stoked I was taking his class again. Anyway, we went into the class, he spoke for a bit, and then he suggested we introduce ourselves. Not hard, right? Well, the guy on the left of me started..."Hey, I'm Steve" and I automatically went "Hi, Steve," like we do at meetings! DOH! Oh well...guess those meeting habits die hard.

the sponsor

On Monday, a few miracles happened. I know, you're probably rolling your eyes, but srsly. They did, and as a result of a meeting being cancelled. (Who does that, anyway? Cancelling a meeting for AA?? But I digress. Back to the story...) So our usual forty-plus meeting was whittled down to just oh, eight brave people who didn't mind sitting on the sidewalk of the boulevard and baring their alcoholic souls so that people might overhear. And it was a great meeting. An open, honest share from a girl whose story sounded just like mine -- family and herself perfect on the outside, high-functioning, but falling apart and being self-destructive on the inside.

Then, I saw this woman next to me, who I could have sworn I knew from somewhere. As she began talking about missing her old crew in another county, I knew who she was. The black hair, the colorful tattoo and the Coach purse were all clues and she confirmed who she was when she opened her mouth. It was a woman I had known and absolutely admired back when I was first in the program, about a year and a half ago. See, I started going to meetings in November of '06, and quit in April of '07. It just didn't click for me. Anyway, this woman, who I will call "Julie", starts in on her old crew and how she just doesn't feel a part of the crew up here, and she's not connecting. (This can be very dangerous for the alcoholic. Most alcoholics are, after all, co-dependent.) And then I make the connection of who she is, and I can barely sit still through the rest of the meeting. Finally, after everyone shares, a rarity in the typical AA meeting and no doubt a sign of both how small we were in numbers but how large we were in need of the meeting, we closed. I went up to her, asked her if she used to go to this club and she recognized me right away! I saw in her eyes this warmth, a connection and happiness, and we exchanged numbers.

Yesterday she called me, reminding me of this great women's meeting today. I texted her back that I was pretty sure I would go, but not a hundred percent sure. Today I called and asked her where it was, and assured her I would be there. I was late, unfortunately, to the meeting, but I still made it to hear the speaker speak, sharing time and for snacks. (It sounds like kindergarten, doesn't it?) Julie wasn't there yet. I got my fourth newcomer chip in the past nine days, which I was reluctant in picking up, but proudly put it on my purse with the key chain that comes with it. Julie came in afterwards, and told the leader I would lead the group in the Serenity Prayer for closing, which has saved my life and sobriety in the past nine days. Afterwards, I helped her carry out the literature box, and she gave me the Daily Meditation book to read. Then, I popped the question...will you be my sponsor? And this woman, that I wanted so desperately to be my sponsor last year at the other club but we never really connected, said yes! I am floored and so excited to have her be my official lifeline, but I am really grateful for everyone I have met. Especially the other miracle from Monday -- my blog partner-in-crime up in the bay area who keeps sending me words of support. Such an inspiration, and so nice to know we're out here writing about this.

Anyway, from these kind folks I get at least three texts or two calls a day, which helps so much, and in return, I send out three or five texts or calls or emails. Together, we are fighting this disease and succeeding. It's funny, Kanye West writes, "I'm trying to write my wrongs, but it's funny how these wrongs helped write this song." This is so true of this program. Yeah, we have all made mistakes but those mistakes are what got us here, and those mistakes are what are helping us write these songs of friendship and strength, not to mention blog entries that might help someone who is lost or curious about getting sober. Thanks for letting me share.

And so it begins...

I went to bed last night, puzzled as how to start this new world that I'm creating. Then somehow through my dreams, I got the message that all I have to do is start it, and stop making excuses of having writer's block. So here I am.

Welcome to my road of recovery. I have been sober from alcohol for 9 days at the end of today, which will be in about, 14 hours. I was lead to recovery through real friends who were using the words "self-destructive" and "full of apologies but not action" to describe me. When I heard those words, I knew I had to change something, so I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. In fact, the day I heard those words at 10am, I went to a noon meeting in Hollywood, where I saw a couple of familiar faces, faces that have been on television or movies, faces that I will respect and not reveal, but faces that are inspirational to me. I mean, they have it all. Money, adoring fans, cars I will never be able to afford, and this destructive disease.

I have to admit, when I first walked into the doors of the club, I was unsure if I really wanted to stop drinking. I told my friends and my family and even myself after the meeting that I was just "doing this to keep myself in check". I didn't want to admit I had a problem. But I found after my second meeting, along with reading some of Dr. Drew's wise words, that I do have a powerlessness over alcohol, and that I cannot have any of it. It eats me alive and turns me into a self-destructive, unlovable, snarky and mean human being. I don't deserve that.

Luckily I'm here to admit that, and to help people feel like they're not alone. Because they aren't. At the very least, I am here for them. This blog will be available to read and comment on, and it will be a tale of my recovery and my sobriety. I hope you like it, but even if you don't, well, my name is Mireya and I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me share.