Scattered.

I feel like last night's update was kinda like how I've been feeling all week -- scattered, happy but with a little confusion on top. I guess that's what being sober and being reintroduced to having a huge pile of work is like. It's going to be my reality soon -- working and being sober and not having all day long to attend meetings. I'm getting anxious about it, which has prompted feeling scattered and trying to keep myself busy so I don't overanalyze and anxious-cize about it. This results in me feeling burned out and not feeling like I'm taking care of myself, but I am. I think it might be my way of living in denial or something. Just keep myself busy and I don't have to deal with the impending worry of real life settling back in.

I'm also having strange feelings towards alcohol. I don't know what these strange feelings are. I don't think they're cravings, but I do think my view of it has shifted. I don't know if talking to my sponsor, who has sponsored before and is actually studying to be a drugs and alcohol counselor but never has sponsored someone who went into the program without being in rehab prompted it but i think being on the eve of my 30th day might have something to do with it. They're feelings of like, what's wrong with me that I can be around alcohol and not want it? Why did I not feel that way when I was drinking? Is it because I've admitted I'm totally powerless over it? I don't know. It kinda makes me nervous.

But I am hanging in there. Gladly, actually. I'm realizing how much better my life has been without alcohol. I've been busy, having an event almost every night for the past few weeks, or something to do...whether it be a meeting or something just to get me out of the house. I've been surrounding myself with positive friends that are aware of my dedication to fighting this disease but maybe don't know that sometimes I feel shaky. It kinda reminds me of my depression, actually. I can maintain in front of my class no matter what, no matter how depressed I feel, but then I get home and crumble sometimes. Totally high-functioning. I feel that way right now. Just totally lost. My sponsor is great, and she and I have a strong connection that I feel like I can ask her all of these things and more. I'm grateful for all the busy-ness but kinda wonder if I'm going to collapse when life gets back to being life.

I kinda feel like I really really want to be back to where I was two weeks ago, happy and optimistic and feeling good about my choice to be sober. But right now, I feel like maybe I didn't make the right choice, maybe I'm not capable of feeling good about being sober. I've heard others deal with this -- and then they say this is the nature of the disease. It's out "talking" you. In fact, it "out-talked" a 29 year old last week in his first two months of the program. It out talked him right to his suicide. That's scary, and I know I don't want to go there, but it just goes to show that this isn't going to be rainbows and happy times, no matter how much I want it. I just don't know.

So yeah, I'm scattered. Yeah, I'd love to get back to where I was. But I just don't know how right now. Maybe I'll know better after some downtime, maybe I'll know better when I wake up in the morning, maybe I'll know better tomorrow after my Friday night meeting. Maybe I won't even know til next year. For now I'm going to strive to be happy, and strive to maintain my positivity and strive to be a person that is trying to be good. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can o, feel free to let me know. Thanks for letting me share.