One month, comin' right up!

Today is the 30th day of my sobriety. It leaves me with a strange feeling. It actually began with a strange feeling, too. I kinda took today as it came, spent most of the morning cleaning and the second half not knowing if I wanted to go to a meeting. I threw the idea back and forth in my head more than a few times, and finally let the idea go. I didn't want to go to a meeting and not know anyone or feel disconnected, because I don't really have a regular Wednesday meeting. Funny, that didn't stop me from going 30 days ago, but this time, I just felt at peace with myself. I tried some of my old tricks, pushing someone away from me, begging to be entertained by another, and then I realized nothing ever comes out the way I want to when I push for it. So I let go. Then I watched a dvr'd episode of "Brothers and Sisters", which entertained me for a bit.
It was such a lackluster day to the outside person, but as I sat there on the couch and looked around, I realized how clean my apartment was. Again, a totally mundane thought for anyone else, but for me, it was like...wow. I know I could have cleaned 32 days ago, but I was so focused on myself and my dislike for life that I just didn't give a shit. Scones would not have made me as happy as they did today, not just because of my growing sweet tooth but because I made them perfectly, without trying to, and with such a great cup of coffee. And the whole time, I spent the day thinking, you know, I got all this done. And if I get to mopping, I get to it. But if not, I still managed to 409 the counters. Like I said, totally mundane thoughts for a normie. For me, though, I would done one of two things 33 days ago...I would have either kicked my ass and been totally sad with myself for not making the house perfectly clean, and wound up depressed; or I would have called everyone I know, begging them to come over and approve of my handywork. Today, my 30th day, I did neither. Instead, I kinda prodded on through my day, doing only what I cared to do, and didn't expect anything out of the day. I didn't even force myself to write, and tonight I went out to a premiere of a campy horror movie that I loved, followed by a great brazillian meal, capped off with a homemade chocolate mousse, with a cherry of a blog on top. All because I let go.

I am nervous about my 30th day, which could be why I didn't go get a chip. I remember my last 30th day, in the other county, and how I started substituting all sorts of things for alcohol. Control of food, smoking, affection...it was a mess. I didn't get the program. Now sometimes I get it so well I'm scared. I'm scared that the feeling of confidence I have right now will disappear along with my free time next week when school starts up again. I don't know why it's crept up right now, after I've written about how everything has been great now that I've learned to accept, not expect. But it's an underlying fear. There are some greater issues than life that I am also dealing with, at least in a removed sense. Moreso than my usual boy troubles or work stress. But for some reason, it's easier to let go of the death that's looming on my family's horizon than it is for me to let go of what work might do to my program. Life's funny that way...it's so much easier to trust in certain situations than others, and I don't think I can really grasp that. Maybe it's not so much for me to grasp but to just let go.

Like I said, today started weird and ended weird, with an enormous amount of good in between. Gingerdead, the Walkers, Bill W., Kobe, Chicken and Gorgonzola Salad, reflection, laughing, paparazzi, 409, Tupac, new friends, moving on, Rock Star, instant messaging, hot showers, sponsors, acceptance, writing and letting go. This is what made my day today. Could it make my day tomorrow...some of them might, but overall, probably not. There's a whole other slew of adventures and lessons for that and the next few months, to say the least. I think that's all I got. Apologies for the disjointedness, but exhaustion's a beautiful thing that way. Besides, I'm not known for making sense, but I do love my strength in not doing so. Thanks for letting me share....