Exactly what I needed to hear...

Last night I made a shocking revelation to myself. I have been in a wonderful place - probably the most genuine-type happy I have been since high school graduation. Feeling absolutely fulfilled with the way life has been working out, because I've been letting go. Yeah my house is a mess, my room looks like my closet threw up all over it, and I am not being this awe-inspiring teacher, but I feel like a light is fucking radiating from my chest. A good light, kinda like E.T.'s. I feel, socially speaking, that I have had some incredible people enter my life. And stay there, which is even more remarkable.

I write this because it's so easy to forget the good things. For example, today was an emotionally raw day. But Saturday night, I was high on life after a good soccer game, and cracking up by myself while watching the "More Cowbell" skit from SNL. To be able to laugh so hard and call someone else up and laugh with them, that was a miracle this weekend. Total light years from the lonely solo pity parties of the "good ol' days" a few months ago. And yeah, while I'm being rigorously honest, today I had a pity party too. But I didn't feel alone completely, because I talked it out. Like, with a real human being, or several...instead of trying to just drink it all down. Or turn it inside and let it get me angry. Then..I went to a meeting, following what my sponsor told me to do. I hate to be bossed around, but I know if I do try it a different way, the way that she suggests I do, that good things will come of it. And you know what? It did! I went to the meeting, all puffy-eyed and exhausted and grumbling about how I have so much shit to do for school, and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. A guy speaking about how he didn't understand for a long time, why bad things kept happening to him even though he was being "the right kinda guy". And then he just said, fuck it. I'm letting go. The bad things that kept happening to him eventually made sense to him, because he didn't try to control them anymore. He stayed sober, he helped people, and he kept aspiring to be who he wanted to be. And eventually, he became the exact person he had walked into the program wanting to become.

I couldn't relate more. I have to just let go and go forward. It's easy to rationally say, emotionally, eh, I think it might take longer. But it'll show up. And in the meantime, I just need to take care of me and show up and be there. It's gonna resemble Colossus at Magic Mountain, I think, but I'll just enjoy the ride. (That's what she said.)

Listening to...
Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine

Can't wait to watch...
brothers and sisters from last week, the office.