Death

So I think this year will be full of firsts while being sober. And even though I was and am still looking forward to actually feeling, something I felt was lacking while I was drinking, I was not looking forward to my first death. But it happened. Actually, it happened twice. Once was not someone I was related to, but it was still hard to see them lose their young one. Especially because there was so much doubt behind whether they did the right thing. That was almost inspiring though. My co-worker's daughter had to make the awful decision of whether or not to pull the plug on her very young daughter. The quality of life was not worth it, they decided in the end, because she would have been simply a body due to the disease that ate her from the inside out, and kept her little body from growing. And my co-worker bravely stated that she knew, and had faith that her daughter had been worth it. Her strength in that decision made the death seem not as bad, though I still know it caused many pain, including myself.

Today, my nieces called me when I was at work. I thought this to be odd, but I had told my youngest to call me because she was sad last night. They've been dealing with their grandmom, (my sister's real mom, because we're half sisters) dying of cancer in their house. My sister and brother have both been strong in this battle, going so far as to test out experimental drugs along with traditional chemotherapy to prolong the life of their mom. It has been a long battle, one that's shrouded my nieces' 16 year old lives in darkness and stress for the past year or so. And that's hard to watch. Not to mention watching my sister be sad. At any rate, this weekend I texted with them about the situation at home, and it had gone from bad to worse. My sister's mom, Marion, had stopped eating and talking. Now, I have had the awful unfortunate experience of watching a couple of people die of cancer before, and I know that this is not a good sign. Usually though, there is a day or more of waiting. Fortunately, my sister and brother and nieces did not have to endure too much of this time, because she passed today.

It's hard to know her sunny face won't be calling out "Merry Christmas" to me when I call my sister's house in the beginning of December. It's sad to know that my sister, no matter how close she and my brother have gotten as a result of this, that she has lost her mom. She's very lucky, because she has my mom, who has always been there for her. But I know and she knows that it's just not the same. I can't fathom what it's like, for her and others close to me that have lost their moms, but I can imagine how much strength it must take. And I just hope that strength builds for her and she can re-focus her attention on her sweet girls, who are darling, no matter how bratty they can seem, because they are, after all, sixteen going on seventeen.

As for me, well, I'm proud I didn't say OH POOR ME, and let this compound my stress over this coming weekend, and snowball into my one woman pity party as I have in the past. Instead, I called my sister and grieved with her. I chatted with my nieces over simpler things, like what happened when the great aunts arrived, and how they are dealing with the stress and sadness. I wished I could be there more for them, and help with funeral arrangements, but Seattle is just too far away for that right now. I did grieve, which was important, and I took care of myself by taking a nap. Not by going to a meeting, which I should have done, but it's progress, not perfection. Besides, some days you just need to cocoon and marinate a bit. Anyway, that's all I got. Thanks for letting me share...but I gotta sleep!