The Day I Fell

Emotions hurt. I don't know if anyone knows this or not, but it's true. And you know what? I haven't felt them for so long I don't know how to feel them anymore. I used to turn them inward, and I still do. Tonight I let them all out on the 5 freeway, and didn't know what to do. I warmed up first by calling my friend, who said she was there for me no matter what. But I know it's a big load for one person. So then, I didn't do what I would've done a month ago, and I called my sponsor and asked for help. Instead of being pissed, she said, I totally understand. Instead of feeling like I was being a burden, I felt like I was worth something. The following statements are things she said mixed with my own words to make them stick in my soul. "All these feelings and emotions are what normies feel, but you used to cover them up, so you're not going to be used to them. That awful lump that's coming into your throat when you think of the death that's about to surround your life, that pit in your stomach that you get when you realize you're coming from a pure place but no one else can see it or cares, that painful separation from your best friend of two years...yeah you used to drink it away. You used to blow it all off with as much alcohol as you could get your hands on. But not anymore. No, you're not going to try to control the situation, no matter how tempting. You're not going to be full of resentment of how others are suffering due to an uncontrollable illness...You're not going to ask anyone any questions because chances are, they're just as unsure themselves. You're going to let go, you're going to learn from it, you're going to go home and comfort you in any way you want. Take a bath, drink tea, watch tv, draw, go to a meeting, read, cuddle under the blankets, eat cake in bed...BUT you are NOT, under any circumstances, going to drink or use. Those will bring those haunting voices back. You're worth something now. You are worth something to those 23 kids that'll be waiting for you come Tuesday morning. You are worth something to your parents. You are worth something to me. No matter what anything else tells you in your brain, you win at this game tonight...you win at life always..."

And then I remembered that we are absolutely right. It's not my issue nor my place to understand why things are happening the way they are. It's my job to accept. Redundant, I know. But it's what's getting me through the night.