Day 28

Today has been great so far -- I got up early and instead of sitting on my computer for hours at a time like I sometimes do when there are no plans on the horizon, I went a few minutes late to a new meeting I hadn't tried before. I wasn't going to go, but then I realized that I didn't go yesterday, and I've been feeling really good when I do go to meetings, so I went. It was a Step Study, studying step 6, which states that alcoholics are entirely ready to have G.O.D. remove all these defects of character. Even though I'm kinda keeping the steps a secret to myself as I work them, I know that step 5 is going to be making a complete inventory of myself. I kinda do that all the time, as many of my close friends know. I'm always thinking about what a crap job I did at this or how great I am at this... But this step really intrigues me. Maybe it's because it's more about accepting the character defects, which I understand...but I don't know how to let them go. I'm sure I'll get it in time...but right now, I just enjoy being intrigued by it. The really cool thing I heard at the meeting was this...that judgement can be a defect of character. And that by judging someone who has more or less time than you, you might shut out what they have to say. I think that's true. Everyone does have something important to say, no matter if you disagree with them or not. And if you think you're the only "right" one, then you have some defects to work on. As a newcomer to the program, it helped make me feel liberated to hear that, because I am *always* worried about what I have to say both inside the walls of the meeting and outside. This guy who was sharing said something to the effect of he might have ignored the speaker had it been a year ago because the speaker had less time than him. But since joining this program, and working through the steps, he realizes having more time sober means showing up as a newcomer each day, being open to hearing everything and not thinking you know it all...that was just a miracle. That's what this program is teaching me. It's not teaching me to not drink. I know how to be a dry drunk. It's teaching me how to love myself and live with others.