Random Playlists

So the other day I was thinking about my iPod. And, I realized something that iPods and life have in common. More often than not, when you just press "Shuffle Songs" and let it go, the iPod can create a better playlist than I could ever create myself. I don't know why it is, I'm sure it has something to do with the newfangled technology. Today I've been listening to my library on shuffle all day, and it just went from the Beatles' "Revolution" to the Arcade Fire's "Keep the Car Running" and straight into Otis' "Try a Lil Tenderness". Delicious. But you know, every time I try to create the perfect playlist, it just comes out so forced and fake. Just like life. I have found in the past couple of weeks, that if I just let go and do my best at just being, everything else falls into place. But if I force it and try to control things, well, they just end up falling apart. Of course, the good playlist and the good life have resources, the former being a good library of songs to choose from and the latter being some hard work and showing up on my part. However, I'm not forcing issues, and I'm not trying to figure out why people do what they do. That's like figuring out why some people don't have the same appreciation for Otis Redding and M.I.A that I do. I'll never be able to figure out either one anyway, so it's best to just have and appreciate my good library of songs and hard work.

That's all I got. That and a huge sense of accomplishment from my hard work today. Thanks for letting me share.

Death

So I think this year will be full of firsts while being sober. And even though I was and am still looking forward to actually feeling, something I felt was lacking while I was drinking, I was not looking forward to my first death. But it happened. Actually, it happened twice. Once was not someone I was related to, but it was still hard to see them lose their young one. Especially because there was so much doubt behind whether they did the right thing. That was almost inspiring though. My co-worker's daughter had to make the awful decision of whether or not to pull the plug on her very young daughter. The quality of life was not worth it, they decided in the end, because she would have been simply a body due to the disease that ate her from the inside out, and kept her little body from growing. And my co-worker bravely stated that she knew, and had faith that her daughter had been worth it. Her strength in that decision made the death seem not as bad, though I still know it caused many pain, including myself.

Today, my nieces called me when I was at work. I thought this to be odd, but I had told my youngest to call me because she was sad last night. They've been dealing with their grandmom, (my sister's real mom, because we're half sisters) dying of cancer in their house. My sister and brother have both been strong in this battle, going so far as to test out experimental drugs along with traditional chemotherapy to prolong the life of their mom. It has been a long battle, one that's shrouded my nieces' 16 year old lives in darkness and stress for the past year or so. And that's hard to watch. Not to mention watching my sister be sad. At any rate, this weekend I texted with them about the situation at home, and it had gone from bad to worse. My sister's mom, Marion, had stopped eating and talking. Now, I have had the awful unfortunate experience of watching a couple of people die of cancer before, and I know that this is not a good sign. Usually though, there is a day or more of waiting. Fortunately, my sister and brother and nieces did not have to endure too much of this time, because she passed today.

It's hard to know her sunny face won't be calling out "Merry Christmas" to me when I call my sister's house in the beginning of December. It's sad to know that my sister, no matter how close she and my brother have gotten as a result of this, that she has lost her mom. She's very lucky, because she has my mom, who has always been there for her. But I know and she knows that it's just not the same. I can't fathom what it's like, for her and others close to me that have lost their moms, but I can imagine how much strength it must take. And I just hope that strength builds for her and she can re-focus her attention on her sweet girls, who are darling, no matter how bratty they can seem, because they are, after all, sixteen going on seventeen.

As for me, well, I'm proud I didn't say OH POOR ME, and let this compound my stress over this coming weekend, and snowball into my one woman pity party as I have in the past. Instead, I called my sister and grieved with her. I chatted with my nieces over simpler things, like what happened when the great aunts arrived, and how they are dealing with the stress and sadness. I wished I could be there more for them, and help with funeral arrangements, but Seattle is just too far away for that right now. I did grieve, which was important, and I took care of myself by taking a nap. Not by going to a meeting, which I should have done, but it's progress, not perfection. Besides, some days you just need to cocoon and marinate a bit. Anyway, that's all I got. Thanks for letting me share...but I gotta sleep!

Yoga

Who knew Fairfax and Santa Monica Boulevard could be so peaceful? I just got back from there, well, City Yoga to be exact. There was an 11th Step (which in layman's terms means Involving meditation in your life) Yoga Class/AA mtg. The man who runs it is just a dollface, and the room was filled with gay men and women, with a couple of straights here and there. So loving, so comfortable. After the intense yoga training where I defied gravity once or twice and did an incredible backbend, something I haven't done in years, we gathered to share and hold a meeting. Throughout the class we spoke of Grace, and the strength we have when it is within us, but how no matter what, you need to be open to it. And I really liked that feeling. So I thought I'd share. I think I'll have more to say on it, but my brain is yoga-fied right now, and I'm going to drop off to sleep. Namaste.

Video of the Week

Below is my song of the week, an intimate performance of fiona apple and her song "extraordinary machine." the lyrics are delicious but i didn't want to post them here because they're too long. :) enjoy! (oh, and if you get bored watching them tool around on stage, you can fast forward to 1:34 or so...)



ALSO....check out one of my sources of support -- Stark Raving Brad -- and his blog. You can see it here - http://www.myspace.com/starkravingbrad17. He lives in the beautiful city of SF, and we had a chance meeting at a meeting in LA. Amazing.

Exactly what I needed to hear...

Last night I made a shocking revelation to myself. I have been in a wonderful place - probably the most genuine-type happy I have been since high school graduation. Feeling absolutely fulfilled with the way life has been working out, because I've been letting go. Yeah my house is a mess, my room looks like my closet threw up all over it, and I am not being this awe-inspiring teacher, but I feel like a light is fucking radiating from my chest. A good light, kinda like E.T.'s. I feel, socially speaking, that I have had some incredible people enter my life. And stay there, which is even more remarkable.

I write this because it's so easy to forget the good things. For example, today was an emotionally raw day. But Saturday night, I was high on life after a good soccer game, and cracking up by myself while watching the "More Cowbell" skit from SNL. To be able to laugh so hard and call someone else up and laugh with them, that was a miracle this weekend. Total light years from the lonely solo pity parties of the "good ol' days" a few months ago. And yeah, while I'm being rigorously honest, today I had a pity party too. But I didn't feel alone completely, because I talked it out. Like, with a real human being, or several...instead of trying to just drink it all down. Or turn it inside and let it get me angry. Then..I went to a meeting, following what my sponsor told me to do. I hate to be bossed around, but I know if I do try it a different way, the way that she suggests I do, that good things will come of it. And you know what? It did! I went to the meeting, all puffy-eyed and exhausted and grumbling about how I have so much shit to do for school, and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. A guy speaking about how he didn't understand for a long time, why bad things kept happening to him even though he was being "the right kinda guy". And then he just said, fuck it. I'm letting go. The bad things that kept happening to him eventually made sense to him, because he didn't try to control them anymore. He stayed sober, he helped people, and he kept aspiring to be who he wanted to be. And eventually, he became the exact person he had walked into the program wanting to become.

I couldn't relate more. I have to just let go and go forward. It's easy to rationally say, emotionally, eh, I think it might take longer. But it'll show up. And in the meantime, I just need to take care of me and show up and be there. It's gonna resemble Colossus at Magic Mountain, I think, but I'll just enjoy the ride. (That's what she said.)

Listening to...
Fiona Apple's Extraordinary Machine

Can't wait to watch...
brothers and sisters from last week, the office.

My Friday Night

"Shoop" is playing on my iTunes, the Lakers just advanced, and I consumed a few grams of chocolate. It's been a stressful but fun week - seems like, I don't know, well-balanced with a few weird dreams splashed in during the nights. I think I love this balmy weather, though I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's heat, nor do I want to especially test 23 5th graders in this heat next Tuesday. But anyway, tonight was interesting. Intriguing, if you will. I was supposed to go see the Trachtenberg Family Slideshow players tonight, a greatly entertaining band who find slides and write songs with subliminally political messages weaved throughout them. I saw them open for Kate Nash a few days ago, another amazingly talented artist that I really enjoyed seeing. She is going to go far, man.

Anyhoo, I stayed at home, watched the Lakers, chatted with my friends and niece online, and even went grocery shopping. I mean, how great is that? I just took care of myself, and was satisfied just doing that. Though I did have an interesting run-in with a guy at the Trader Joe's. He was really overreacting to me being in his way, but I was the bigger person and just ignored him, and wished him a good night. Funny how a month or two ago, I would have been rude right back, but I saw that he's just struggling and it has nothing to do with me. Moments later, almost in the exact same spot, a woman who saw I was juggling apples and volunteered to help me by opening a plastic bag so I could put them in. Amazing. I made it back safely to my house, watched the Lakers really kick some ass, and then get cocky and almost lose, but they held on.

Totally satisfying night, if you ask me. I used to think I had to be out and about and socializing, but now I kinda realize I don't have to do anything. I can just be and still have plenty of fun. I am just being, and not really caring who thinks what about it. That's why I love this Kate Nash song...it's called "Mouthwash", and I think she's basically saying, hey, this is who I am and if you don't like it, that sucks for you but I'm not caring. I like to change the lyrics at the end, which say, "And I'm singing uh-oh on a Friday night and I hope everything's gonna be alright" to "I'm singing ohoh on a Friday night and I know everything's gonna be alright." It's happier that way, and it rounds out the song better, IMO. So with that being said, here's the cute and random video. Like I said, I saw her this week and absolutely recommend her to everyone.

Eleven O'Clock and All's Well

Ha. There's nothing like reading to make you feel like a jerk sometimes. Here's a passage I read randomly today.

A trying situation can be tolerated with relative ease when we have a positive, trusting attitude. We forget, generally, that we have an inner source of strength to meet every situation. We forget the simple truth - all is well, at this moment, and at every moment.

After reading this, my head snapped out of it. It's funny -- this message has been in and out of my realm of thinking since Friday night, thanks to random messages heard in meetings and conversations with friends.. but didn't really click emotionally until today. I got out of the funk, and got into a groove by visiting a close friend down near my parents. It was rejuvenating, and our talk made me realize that I don't have to be working the steps every freaking minute. What matters is that I am enjoying my life and finding that positive optimist that I grew up with deep down inside of me. With her comes this relaxed acceptance of any and all that might cross my path, along with a smart cookie that takes everything at face value - nothing more, nothing less. Most of all, I'm now comfortable with who I am, at least for today. And way more comfortable and forgiving than I was 34 days ago. And while actions speak volumes more than words, it feels good to write it all down and say it to myself, because that instills the positive attitude inside of me, and lets me marinate in it. Today I showed myself this person, as I did for most of the day yesterday and will hopefully do so tomorrow. And that's the most important person that needs to see it -- me. But I don't mind telling you about it. ;)

In case I don't get to write much this week, what with the return to the real world pending...have a beautiful week and keep your chins up and your hearts open! Thanks for letting me share...

Family Crap

I really want a meeting. Lakers lost, which bums me out, and there has been an overwhelming amount of family issues being tossed out. All I can really say is, staying sober in the real world is rough. I totes wanted a drink during the game, or at least a cigarette, but being at the parents' house, the latter was not viable. Needless to say, my jaw is tired from being clenched and upset about the bad plays by the Lakers and deep breathing has become my friend.

Family issues are the worst, and most prevalent, because of the obligatory calls to my mom, who is amazingly close to her entire family, both hers and my father's. The problems are about people who I care deeply about, and want to have the most control over, but just cannot. The pain that is caused by one's poor choices is dissected and re-evaluated by my mom, who then passes it on to me. Being that it's habit, and that I want to support my mom, I have to listen. Then I get worried, and everything turns into that knot that I wrote about the other night. However, I will prevail. I have to let go, because if I don't ... that knot might just turn into a craving.

I am so grateful though. I mean, my mom has overcome so very much, and she has persevered through a tragic upbringing and created her own successes in life. Her strength kept her company through an uprooting from Honduras and an arrival in a new country. The losses she survived last year and this year, the sickness she dealt with this year and overcame -- she's never given up. I have to appreciate her strength, because she has surely passed it on to me. The ever-compassionate love and forgiveness she has shown to her family members, some of whom have betrayed her, has never once wavered. She is a remarkable woman who loves her Lakers. And I am very grateful she is still with me.

Briefly

It's Mother's Day, and I did the right thing by coming down here. It's been pretty good quality time so far with Mom. With Dad, it's a whole other story. Sobriety is rough around him - it's just hard because he's so grouchy and for so long, I've believed it was always a fault of mine. But what I've come to realize is that he is just very spoiled and set in his ways, and if something isn't going his way, he gets really upset and takes it out on me or my mom. That's hard. But that's how people are, and I know I've acted that way plenty of times. He was rude to me, and I just basically found strength, acceptance and serenity in myself and didn't react like I have my whole life. I'm very proud of myself. I'm learning and re-wiring, and so far it's working.

The Lakers are on, so I have to go watch. In my room. Where I can watch without anyone complaining about my enthusiasm - because that's who I am. I'll write more after the game's over. Depending on my mood of course...;)

Unbelievable

I'm learning how to cut the ties, and it's painful. Being a teacher, I always want to see the potential in people, and it saddens me when they can't live up to their potential. But I have to just accept it, cut out people who don't live up to my standards. What's ironic is that I wasn't living up to their standards at one time, but now that I am, they're not living up to mine. Life is funny that way, I guess.

So I cried, and I probably will cry a few more times before this year is over. Maybe after that too.

What's more amazing about this, is that I was just so letting myself feel in the car on the way home. I was going to go to the Farmer's Market, but my battery was dying in my phone, and my emotional battery was sunk too. So I went home. Then, I got a text, unsolicited, from one of my best friends in the world, who does not text unsolicited. Sometimes he doesn't even text solicited...but anyway. It said, "Sorry I couldn't call you back yet. Very long week. Going now to help mom. How r you?" I could not f-ing believe it. I just couldn't. I needed it, and it was sent to me.

And then I go look in my book for an inspirational title, and it opens to a page that says..."We each have to grab our own happiness, create our own richness through experieces. We may share what we capture with loved ones, but like us, they too must search their own avenues for the satisfaction that lasts. We can neither give happiness to another, like a gift, nor expect it in return. " Part of cutting this loss is realizing that I am happy, and if people choose not to see that, well, I feel sad for them, but I can't change it. When they're happy enough and they're ready...I'm here.

Just further proof that I deserve people who love me and they will find their way to me as life sees fit. No pushing, no prodding required.

Carbon

So last night when I was having emotions, I comforted myself with some good ol' Tori Amos. She used to be my source of comfort steadily, until I had my last downward spiral and decided in a drunken state that she's sold out. Which she is. But now that I'm sober, hell, I'll cling on to an old memory to get me through the night without drinking and to help reteach me how to cope. I guess I thought that since she was an obsession for so much of my life and then let me down in various ways on tour last year (hello! a red wig, tori, really?!?), that I didn't connect with her music anymore. But last night she sympathized with me. When I feel down and need some strength, I listen to this song called Carbon off her seventh album, "Scarlet's Walk". She usually writes in abstract metaphors but you'll get it if you get it. These are the some of the lyrics I held onto last night as I thought about how I can't control life.

"Little Sis you must crack this"
he says to me
"you must go in again
carbon-made
only wants
to be unmade" ...

and keep your eyes on her
keep
don't look away
keep your eyes on
her eyes
on her horizon

The Day I Fell

Emotions hurt. I don't know if anyone knows this or not, but it's true. And you know what? I haven't felt them for so long I don't know how to feel them anymore. I used to turn them inward, and I still do. Tonight I let them all out on the 5 freeway, and didn't know what to do. I warmed up first by calling my friend, who said she was there for me no matter what. But I know it's a big load for one person. So then, I didn't do what I would've done a month ago, and I called my sponsor and asked for help. Instead of being pissed, she said, I totally understand. Instead of feeling like I was being a burden, I felt like I was worth something. The following statements are things she said mixed with my own words to make them stick in my soul. "All these feelings and emotions are what normies feel, but you used to cover them up, so you're not going to be used to them. That awful lump that's coming into your throat when you think of the death that's about to surround your life, that pit in your stomach that you get when you realize you're coming from a pure place but no one else can see it or cares, that painful separation from your best friend of two years...yeah you used to drink it away. You used to blow it all off with as much alcohol as you could get your hands on. But not anymore. No, you're not going to try to control the situation, no matter how tempting. You're not going to be full of resentment of how others are suffering due to an uncontrollable illness...You're not going to ask anyone any questions because chances are, they're just as unsure themselves. You're going to let go, you're going to learn from it, you're going to go home and comfort you in any way you want. Take a bath, drink tea, watch tv, draw, go to a meeting, read, cuddle under the blankets, eat cake in bed...BUT you are NOT, under any circumstances, going to drink or use. Those will bring those haunting voices back. You're worth something now. You are worth something to those 23 kids that'll be waiting for you come Tuesday morning. You are worth something to your parents. You are worth something to me. No matter what anything else tells you in your brain, you win at this game tonight...you win at life always..."

And then I remembered that we are absolutely right. It's not my issue nor my place to understand why things are happening the way they are. It's my job to accept. Redundant, I know. But it's what's getting me through the night.

One month, comin' right up!

Today is the 30th day of my sobriety. It leaves me with a strange feeling. It actually began with a strange feeling, too. I kinda took today as it came, spent most of the morning cleaning and the second half not knowing if I wanted to go to a meeting. I threw the idea back and forth in my head more than a few times, and finally let the idea go. I didn't want to go to a meeting and not know anyone or feel disconnected, because I don't really have a regular Wednesday meeting. Funny, that didn't stop me from going 30 days ago, but this time, I just felt at peace with myself. I tried some of my old tricks, pushing someone away from me, begging to be entertained by another, and then I realized nothing ever comes out the way I want to when I push for it. So I let go. Then I watched a dvr'd episode of "Brothers and Sisters", which entertained me for a bit.
It was such a lackluster day to the outside person, but as I sat there on the couch and looked around, I realized how clean my apartment was. Again, a totally mundane thought for anyone else, but for me, it was like...wow. I know I could have cleaned 32 days ago, but I was so focused on myself and my dislike for life that I just didn't give a shit. Scones would not have made me as happy as they did today, not just because of my growing sweet tooth but because I made them perfectly, without trying to, and with such a great cup of coffee. And the whole time, I spent the day thinking, you know, I got all this done. And if I get to mopping, I get to it. But if not, I still managed to 409 the counters. Like I said, totally mundane thoughts for a normie. For me, though, I would done one of two things 33 days ago...I would have either kicked my ass and been totally sad with myself for not making the house perfectly clean, and wound up depressed; or I would have called everyone I know, begging them to come over and approve of my handywork. Today, my 30th day, I did neither. Instead, I kinda prodded on through my day, doing only what I cared to do, and didn't expect anything out of the day. I didn't even force myself to write, and tonight I went out to a premiere of a campy horror movie that I loved, followed by a great brazillian meal, capped off with a homemade chocolate mousse, with a cherry of a blog on top. All because I let go.

I am nervous about my 30th day, which could be why I didn't go get a chip. I remember my last 30th day, in the other county, and how I started substituting all sorts of things for alcohol. Control of food, smoking, affection...it was a mess. I didn't get the program. Now sometimes I get it so well I'm scared. I'm scared that the feeling of confidence I have right now will disappear along with my free time next week when school starts up again. I don't know why it's crept up right now, after I've written about how everything has been great now that I've learned to accept, not expect. But it's an underlying fear. There are some greater issues than life that I am also dealing with, at least in a removed sense. Moreso than my usual boy troubles or work stress. But for some reason, it's easier to let go of the death that's looming on my family's horizon than it is for me to let go of what work might do to my program. Life's funny that way...it's so much easier to trust in certain situations than others, and I don't think I can really grasp that. Maybe it's not so much for me to grasp but to just let go.

Like I said, today started weird and ended weird, with an enormous amount of good in between. Gingerdead, the Walkers, Bill W., Kobe, Chicken and Gorgonzola Salad, reflection, laughing, paparazzi, 409, Tupac, new friends, moving on, Rock Star, instant messaging, hot showers, sponsors, acceptance, writing and letting go. This is what made my day today. Could it make my day tomorrow...some of them might, but overall, probably not. There's a whole other slew of adventures and lessons for that and the next few months, to say the least. I think that's all I got. Apologies for the disjointedness, but exhaustion's a beautiful thing that way. Besides, I'm not known for making sense, but I do love my strength in not doing so. Thanks for letting me share....

Day 28

Today has been great so far -- I got up early and instead of sitting on my computer for hours at a time like I sometimes do when there are no plans on the horizon, I went a few minutes late to a new meeting I hadn't tried before. I wasn't going to go, but then I realized that I didn't go yesterday, and I've been feeling really good when I do go to meetings, so I went. It was a Step Study, studying step 6, which states that alcoholics are entirely ready to have G.O.D. remove all these defects of character. Even though I'm kinda keeping the steps a secret to myself as I work them, I know that step 5 is going to be making a complete inventory of myself. I kinda do that all the time, as many of my close friends know. I'm always thinking about what a crap job I did at this or how great I am at this... But this step really intrigues me. Maybe it's because it's more about accepting the character defects, which I understand...but I don't know how to let them go. I'm sure I'll get it in time...but right now, I just enjoy being intrigued by it. The really cool thing I heard at the meeting was this...that judgement can be a defect of character. And that by judging someone who has more or less time than you, you might shut out what they have to say. I think that's true. Everyone does have something important to say, no matter if you disagree with them or not. And if you think you're the only "right" one, then you have some defects to work on. As a newcomer to the program, it helped make me feel liberated to hear that, because I am *always* worried about what I have to say both inside the walls of the meeting and outside. This guy who was sharing said something to the effect of he might have ignored the speaker had it been a year ago because the speaker had less time than him. But since joining this program, and working through the steps, he realizes having more time sober means showing up as a newcomer each day, being open to hearing everything and not thinking you know it all...that was just a miracle. That's what this program is teaching me. It's not teaching me to not drink. I know how to be a dry drunk. It's teaching me how to love myself and live with others.

Religion and Some other Clarifications

So my friends pointed out to me tonight that I've been using the term "Big Book" a lot in my blogs. By using this term, I'm not talking about the Bible. That's a book I simply haven't picked up since high school, I think. No, the Big Book is the AA's nickname for the book that's actually called Alcoholics Anonymous. It has a lot of great info on how AA works, how it came about, and how it can continue to work. Not only that, but it has stories of people. These stories are actually between 65 and 80 years old, but a lot of them could be written by me or any other alcoholic I know. It is our Bible in the program, and can be very scary and very enlightening at the same time. Both feelings are conjured in me because of its relevance.

As well, I tend to talk more about GOD, but it's not who you think. Quite frankly, I'm kinda a believer that something or someone is out there, but I'm not sure who. And recently, I'm realizing what connotations the word God can have, politically, emotionally and spiritually. The GOD I think about when we use the term "God" or "Higher Power" in the program is actually the "Gathering of Divinities". Buddha, Jesus, Confucious, Earth...I think they all play a part in my spirituality, in some way. And that is all I have to say about that. ;)

Not *just* an alcoholic

When you're in the dumps, it's really hard to get out of them. And I think with sobriety this week, and reading these last few posts, I was thinking...hey, I'm getting sober, why aren't my problems going away? Then, after hearing a few good speakers, and talking with the sponsor, and my MFT (Mentor/Friend/Therapist) I realized...the problems aren't going to go away. That's life. Right now, I'm focusing all my energy on sobriety, but in the end, it's not going to be who I am. The sponsor and I were talking, hmm, Friday, I think it was...and she said something interesting. People who are in the program in the area I was formerly in the program are much more likely to say, "I'm an alcholic. So what?" As in, they only see themselves as just that. And, as Maria Shriver said the other day when I happened upon her talking at a book fair..."You are never *just* one thing...each one of us has a value." Each one of us has many different aspects to them, and even though right now I am focused on being an alcoholic, and recovering, that's not going to solve my problems in life completely, nor is it going to consume all of my life. Right now, it has to, so I can get better. It's just like that speaker I heard a few weeks ago, that because someone scratches his balls, that does NOT make him just a ball scratcher. No, he might be a father or a son or a great friend, and that's just something you're focused on. Similarly, alcoholics are teachers, they are doctors, they are the homeless, they are famous...and they, just like me, have to focus on staying strong and working on sobriety.

There's a certain high to being sober for the first month or so...mine lasted a little longer last time I started being sober. I have to admit, I've been getting off on it. What's not to be high about? I mean, it seems like This week, it ended, hence the sad posts and questioning of sobriety. I was kinda like, what's the point? I'm not getting any of my problems solved, I still feel sad sometimes, and I don't feel liked all the time. Then I realized...OH! It isn't going to solve everything, but it IS going to remove part of me. That whole alienation of people that I wrote about in earlier posts, that whole blurring of lines that allowed me to manipulate situations, that false sense of control...those will start to lessen because I'm not drinking. Will I still say stupid things? Will I still try and control things? Will I maybe try to manipulate still? Probably. It's all part of being human. But I'll be more aware of my actions and the importance of being a good person and feeling that light of loving life, and therefore be more attracted to doing the right things. I won't have a crutch of alcohol anymore, to blame and use as an excuse. Scary? Yeah. But in that fear I will gain a sense of being human, being Mireya, being a lot of different things. Most importantly, just being me. (Which, I have to admit, makes me want to sing that darn "She's just being Miley" song...but I will spare you.)

That's all I got, folks. At least for now.

Scattered.

I feel like last night's update was kinda like how I've been feeling all week -- scattered, happy but with a little confusion on top. I guess that's what being sober and being reintroduced to having a huge pile of work is like. It's going to be my reality soon -- working and being sober and not having all day long to attend meetings. I'm getting anxious about it, which has prompted feeling scattered and trying to keep myself busy so I don't overanalyze and anxious-cize about it. This results in me feeling burned out and not feeling like I'm taking care of myself, but I am. I think it might be my way of living in denial or something. Just keep myself busy and I don't have to deal with the impending worry of real life settling back in.

I'm also having strange feelings towards alcohol. I don't know what these strange feelings are. I don't think they're cravings, but I do think my view of it has shifted. I don't know if talking to my sponsor, who has sponsored before and is actually studying to be a drugs and alcohol counselor but never has sponsored someone who went into the program without being in rehab prompted it but i think being on the eve of my 30th day might have something to do with it. They're feelings of like, what's wrong with me that I can be around alcohol and not want it? Why did I not feel that way when I was drinking? Is it because I've admitted I'm totally powerless over it? I don't know. It kinda makes me nervous.

But I am hanging in there. Gladly, actually. I'm realizing how much better my life has been without alcohol. I've been busy, having an event almost every night for the past few weeks, or something to do...whether it be a meeting or something just to get me out of the house. I've been surrounding myself with positive friends that are aware of my dedication to fighting this disease but maybe don't know that sometimes I feel shaky. It kinda reminds me of my depression, actually. I can maintain in front of my class no matter what, no matter how depressed I feel, but then I get home and crumble sometimes. Totally high-functioning. I feel that way right now. Just totally lost. My sponsor is great, and she and I have a strong connection that I feel like I can ask her all of these things and more. I'm grateful for all the busy-ness but kinda wonder if I'm going to collapse when life gets back to being life.

I kinda feel like I really really want to be back to where I was two weeks ago, happy and optimistic and feeling good about my choice to be sober. But right now, I feel like maybe I didn't make the right choice, maybe I'm not capable of feeling good about being sober. I've heard others deal with this -- and then they say this is the nature of the disease. It's out "talking" you. In fact, it "out-talked" a 29 year old last week in his first two months of the program. It out talked him right to his suicide. That's scary, and I know I don't want to go there, but it just goes to show that this isn't going to be rainbows and happy times, no matter how much I want it. I just don't know.

So yeah, I'm scattered. Yeah, I'd love to get back to where I was. But I just don't know how right now. Maybe I'll know better after some downtime, maybe I'll know better when I wake up in the morning, maybe I'll know better tomorrow after my Friday night meeting. Maybe I won't even know til next year. For now I'm going to strive to be happy, and strive to maintain my positivity and strive to be a person that is trying to be good. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can o, feel free to let me know. Thanks for letting me share.